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somuchpain
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Posted: Tue May 22nd, 2007 06:42 pm |
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 Hi, I just found this site. I hope it can be of help too me. My H is a sexual addict and I have dealt with the pain for almost 20 years. We have 3 kids together (13,10 and 4). My situation seems unique and I feel as if we are a freak show. Let me start wayyyyy back and try and get you all the basic picture.
H and I met when we were 19. His job relocated him and he asked me to move in with him. This was after 3 months of dating. I did. We moved a couple hours from home so he was all I had. Shortly after that I discovered his hidden porn magazines. I was crushed and felot severly hurt. This continued on and off throughout the years. His hiding, me snooping, me finding, us blowing up and then getting better for awhile.
We married at 21 and I had my first child at 24. This was hard on our marriage to say the least as I went into MOMMY MODE and he wanted the attention for himself. When our aby was aprox 8months old, H lost his job due to sexual harrassment of many women in the job place. I freaked and after weeks of talking I forgave him and supported him again. Eventually the same porn pattern continued throughout of marriage however it was now computer porn.
Oh and another issue we have is his emotional/verbal abuse to me. he puts me down all the time especially in front of others which makes me hurt and everyone else very uncomfortable. he also talks very sexual to me and everyone and again makes people feel awkward.
So years pass and when our second child is 3 I discovered yet another thing. He had been posting ads to places online looking for sexual partners (male and female). He had a secret email. I got into it and found out that he had been having an emotional affair with an ex girlfriend on there for 7 months. They were talking nasty and she even had plane tickets to visit our town a few months down the road.
I flipped. This sent us to marraige counceling where the councelor suggested a book about sexual addiction to H. He read it and agreed that he has that. Supposivly the MC gave him the tools to ue to not repeat this anymore. H and I went through a honeymoon stage and everything was great.
After child 3 was born things went downhill quickly. H got on antidepressents as he was so unhappy and irritable. he got a vasectomy as he decided he couldnt handle anymore kids with the attention being pulled from him. He would constantly tease me in front of everyone about being such a prude, non drinking person.
I brought him to chucrh with me and the kids and after months he decided it was boring and fake and still believes in evolution. A couple years ago he started to really pressure me about lightening up. he said I needed to be on antidepressents. So I went to dr and got on Prozac.
I started lightening up, drinking more and being more playful. he liked this and eventually started talking to me about me having sex with someone else. He started pushing me and constantly talking about this. He would send me personal ads from men who were advertizing sexual favors etc. I was mortified and deeply hurt. I would tell him I was so upset that he'd risk my safety as well.
He then started talking about me having sex with his brother. He would bring it up during our sexual relations and he would get severly horney from the idea. This went on for months and months Now here is where it turns bad................
To make a long story short, I did have an affair with his brother. H knew all about it and said it excited him and would push me to do it more and more and more. Eventually I started having feelings for his brother and ended the whole thing. H wanted me to find someone NOT related to us. I started going out with my friends occasionally on weekends. Not to look for a guy, but because I felt the need to be away from H and my friends were being supportive.
I met a man one night and talked to him and gave him my phone number. That night I told him what H wanted. He called the follwoing week and I figured he called because he wanted to PLAY. No.......he called and talked to me and told me how wrong this was of my H. I felt so validated and it felt so odd that sex wasnt on every guys mind. This guy called me again and again and eventually we had a secret phone affair. I tried to end it once but broke down and called him again. I think it was because I really liked the feeling of not being wanted for only sex.
H found out about this emotional affair and I ended it for good. Then about a week later H decided that maybe this man was the one to have sex play with. He suggested that I call man and meet him one night. He wouldnt let it go. He pushed and pushed and pushed me and so I called. Man decided to meet me. We did play but didnt have intercourse. We talked mostly. I was so upset that my H was alright with me going. he pushed me even. H saw I was sad about leaving and told me it was fine and encouraged me to go.
Well everything came to a head and H decided he was upset about it all, I was and am upset about it all and feel so pushed. I have morals and values and am a Christian and feel so upset about doing the things I have done. We went to a marriage councelor last week and H was told he groomed me as a predator grooms a child, and that he is being emotionally and sexually abusive towards me. He goes to see a sex addiction therapist Friday.
Right now H is dwelling on the emotional affair I had. I ended completely by the way! He also says he needs sex and me withholding it is making him worse. I want to try and help myself and with the way he is acting, sex is the farthest from my mind.
I dont know where to go anymore. My mind is in a fog and I am so confused. I cant make a decision if my life depended on it. I just feel numb and in limbo. He is either way up or way down and expects my moods to follow. He said I need to hurry and figure out what to do to help him!!!!!!!!!!!! What about me?????????????
J
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Tue May 22nd, 2007 09:00 pm |
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Hi somuchpain,
Each situation is unique in the particulars, but more similarities exist than you might think. The link below is to a thread that came to mind as I read yours, different, but you will see that you are not utterly alone.
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/view_topic.php?id=869&forum_id=22&highlight=growthtrac
Now let me see if I can get enough light shining through the fog to help you find the shore. It is not your responsibility to fix your husband. He was broken before you met him, and he has to want to be fixed. It will be very hard work, which he will do with his SA therapist. Christian counsel for you individually would be a good idea also. Once you have each had time to work on your own needs separately, then the marriage counsellor may be able to work with you together. As he is an unbeliever, and may not be willing to accept that God's wisdom is best, he may or may not choose to work on the marriage. If, and only if, he is showing overt evidence of working on his addiction and the marriage, can even the emotional intimacy begin to be restored. The physical will take longer still. When he says that not having sex makes it more difficult, he is trying to blame you for his addiction, and that is a lie from Satan. He needs to learn to be sexually pure before he can learn what true intimacy really is. You are not a mere receptical for his deposit to relieve an itch. If that is all you are to him, he is not being a husband, and needs no wife. If he does not respond to help, I would be concerned about his influence as a father. Every time he puts you down he is teaching your children about "how women should be treated". He has a lot of audacity to be upset about the affair he pushed you to have, especially having had his own as well. What has been building for more than twenty years cannot be fixed in twenty days, or likely weeks. Make sure that you write down all of the things that have been problems, so you do not forget anything that needs to be addressed in marriage counselling. Minimize nothing!
God loves you, and His grace, mercy, and the beginning of healing are but a prayer away.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Tue Jun 5th, 2007 09:28 pm |
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I agree with TruthSeeker. I may be wrong but I feel the reason your husband was pushing you to do the things you did was so he could use the excuses that you were to blame also,
Sometimes our husbands play these games to get blame off him and place it else where in the case you. Kind of like "well, you can't say anything you were doing it also." Or "How dare you judge me you did it too."
It sounds as though you are making the efforts to make this right with you and with God. As TruthSeeker said "it is not your responsibility to fix your husband." Nor are you responsible for his salvation.
You asked "What about me?" Sweetie it is not about you and the sooner you except this the faster you will start to recover. The enemy comes in like a flood, he uses anything and anyone he can to archive his purpose. You can not fix your husband, you can only work on you and I would suggest seeking some one on one counseling with a good Christian female. It is nothing you have or have not done that has cause your husband to fall into this addiction.
What about you? Here are some suggestions. Seek help as stated above. Pray and pray some more. Seek God on matters that hurt you and once you have asked Him for forgiveness lay those things at the foot of the cross and leave them there, don't let Satan use them against you. If he tries tell him they are under the blood. Pray for your husbands addiction and also pray for your children. Come here when you are feeling alone, there are women here like myself that have been right where you are. Yeah, our stories may vary but they all boil down to the addiction.
You are not alone, and there is nothing you have done that can not be forgiven and please please know that God loves you so very much.......
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