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HeartFeltHurt
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| Joined: | Tue May 15th, 2007 |
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Posted: Wed May 16th, 2007 09:10 pm |
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My story is alot like some of yours. I got married 18 years ago in November, actually Nov. 26th, 1988. I thought I was marrying a wonderful, great guy. Before we were married we would talk all the time, about everything, I told him the things I loved to do and dreams I had for my future, as well I told him about all the bad and ugly things I had done in my life that I was not proud of, I told him I was a true believer in God, Jesus Christ my Savior and that I try very hard to live a pure and decent life a life where my Father would be proud of me, he at that time told me he to believed in God. I really thought I had found the right guy. Although when I married my husband I was not completely what you would call IN LOVE with him, because we had only known each other for 3 months, but I just knew that he was the kind of man I could Fall In Love with thru time. I beleive that love is something that comes in time, in times of good and in times of bad, I think Love is many words, like Respect, Trust, Belief, etc..and thru time together you learn to truly love someone.
Not soon after we were married some thing came to light about his past, things that I did not agree with, but he thought was normal, this really concerned me, but I was married and because of my faith and what God feels about marriage I accepted it to be in his past, and prayed that God would help me move beyond it, which I did. It was approximately 3 months after our marriage that these past issues came to my attention. My husband started becoming distant, not to a point of real concern, but always to busy from work to listen to me anymore and take time for me. I went to the old belief of well thats marriage. Don't get me wrong here now, my husband didn't treat me real bad, just got busy. Well I got busy to, raising kids, house, job, etc....and life went on....7 months into our marriage I went to his job site, as he is in Construction and while I was there I saw a girl walk past us, I looked at her face she looked at his I looked at his and bam, I knew something wasnt right. I confronted my husband, he told me I was nuts, that we had just gotten married and he was totally in love with me and would never do anything like that. Within days the girl was gone from work, my husband and I fought for days over this because God gave me good intuition and I wasn't going to let it go so easy. I found this girl and I called her, I asked her about my husband and her, she told me they were friends and had gone to lunch, breakfast and even dinner a few times, also my husband was caught leaving her motel room one morning at 5:30am, which he said was because he needed her to sign some papers for work, she told me the same story, she also told me they did not have sex, but that she did believe that he wanted to. She knew everything about us, my family, his past, etc....I was devasted...My husband had told me that he never took her out to eat, and that she knew everything because she would over hear him talking to the other guys at work...I knew better deep down, but I decided to stay in my marriage and Love my husband unconditionally...This was not his first Lie to me and would not be his last....
My husband and I took trips to fun places, we did alot of traveling together and with the kids, we had such great times, or so I thought. Live went on and thru time I began to notice how my husband was never really there....I would ask him every once in a while if he was cheating on me and his answer would always be "I'd never do that, I would tell you first and leave the marriage" and I choose to believe him.
Four years into our marriage I got Herpes. I was in so much pain it was unbearable at times, I wanted to go to the doctor but my husband kept saying oh it will just go away but after a few days of agony I decided to go, and when the doctor told me I had Herpes, I just lost it. I had only been with 2 other men in my life, my first husband of 5 years and a man who I was dating for 4 years after that and because of my faith I had always felt bad that I had a sexual relationship without marriage, but I did, its the truth and I own it but God has forgiven me. Anyway after I found out the news from the doctor I confronted my husband, who than told me that I must of gotten it from either my first husband or my old boy friend as it can live in the body for years, I made him take me to his doctor, who told me he had never treated my husband for Herpes, and guess what I bought my husbands story...but deep down in my gut for years I still questioned it but I dropped it and moved on in the marriage.
I beleive that in marriage, what goes on in the bedroom between husband and wife, thru love is okay anything goes as long as its done thru love. On our fifth wedding anniversary I decided to do something that my husband always wanted to do, even tho I felt completely uncomfortable about it, I did it for him, because I loved him so much, even through all the above, I loved him. I made a video tape of our love making, just for him to enjoy. I can now say that is never a good idea. Amazing to me now to is that he never watched it, he preferred the xxxvideos to ours. He recently told me that he never watched it because it was about us making love, wow, I burned that tape a few months ago.
After about five years I started feeling gut wrenching painful feelings that my husband was not a good man at all....I started doubting everything about him and I started building a wall, keeping him at arms length, I knew deep down I was being lied to all the time and that he was doing thing outside this marriage that was not healthy, we never did have a real good sex life, because my husband had some problems in that area, but I loved him so I accepted it the best I could. My husband could only complete our love making by using the hand, the first time we made love he used his hand and I freaked, I told him that I wanted to be a part of all of it and that I would not accept him doing himself. For years I never understood why he could not finish vaginally, it always made me feel so empty inside and like I couldn't please him, I hated those feelings, but I learned to accept them over time. I was so naive. I use to tell him that it was all phsycosamtic, but he would argue with me and we would get no where. Now I no it was because he masterbated all the time and that is why he was this way.
In 1998 I was diagnosed with cancer, I was scared to death and my husband was no where to be found. He never had the time to take me to the doctor or treatments, I was also building houses, planning my oldest daughters wedding and my youngest daughter was about to have my first grandchild so I was sick and extremely busy. I would go to treatments in the morning and than run off to work come home make dinner and be sick all day and night, one night I was so tired and scared that I started to cry and tried to talk to my husband about my fears of leaving my kids, what he said to me just hurt so bad I have not been able to cry infront of him since. He said "Stop being so over dramatic, grow up" it was so cruel that for a moment I hated him. I would get up in the middle of the night and pray for Gods will, I felt so alone, but without God I would not be here today. Praise HIM....Also one day I was so sick and tired and I needed to drive to treatment, so I asked my husband to please stay home and take me, he said NO, I grabbed his leg and begged him, he drug me across our deck and told me to "Get a Life", Those were very hard days. I knew he didn't love me, but I gave my word to God that I would Love my husband and so I stayed and continued to Love my husband. God gave me peace when I was put in remission....I can do nothing but Praise Him.....
My marriage has been very exhausting, lonely, painful and emotionally abusive, and here is now why.....
On November 24th, 06, Thanksgiving Day, my husbands cell phone was beeping with a message, I told him, but he ignored me, I never listened to my husbands messages before, they were his work and I just never wanted to waste my time, energy or life checking up on him, but this time, God spoke to me and I listened, it was a woman who said "If you wanted to Hurt me, you did a real good job, Thanks alot and have a happy thanksgiving", now that did not sound like a work call to me, so I confronted my husband, and because it was late after everyone left he just told me it was a wrong number, but I knew better and I had decided this was it....I didn't sleep at all that night, and the next morning my husband got up and handed me a gift, a card and gospel Cd by Alan Jackson, this was for our 18 year anniversary the next day, I refused his gift....He finally set down on the edge of the bed and said, The call you heard last night was a mistake I made in the late 90's and she just can't let go....I thought late 90s, 2006, there are alot of years there.....He than told me they had been seeing each other for 9 years.....I couldn't do anything but cry.....my heart was shattered. I asked him to leave, to just go away....and with that I saw all my dreams and future life go to.....I gave him an hour to be out of the house and he was. After about 5 days and some very angry phone calls to him I went up to see him, we talked for the first time in years seriously...he told me some details about his affair and that he never loved her she was just a mistake...after awhile of talking I told him that I will not be married or even see a man who does not have GOD first place in his life...period...at which time he told me that he never believed in GOD....more news for me....he said he just couldn't beleive that there was a man sitting up in the sky somewhere running everything....I had to explain that GOD was Love and faith...after awhile of talking about that....he agreed to see a Pastor, Counselor at my church....GOD has since put my husband on his knees a few times....upon our pastors advice I let my husband move home, he said that this was everything, I knew everything now.....but something kept nagging at my gut....God was not done with my discovery...two weeks later I called and spoke to my husbands girlfriend and through her I found out so much more....I heard about an affair for three years before her and about a one night stand that was the one I got the Herpes from...I found out how my husband told her he had never loved me, wasn't in love with me now and that he wished he could be free to be who he is....even after he confused to me about her, he asked her to hold on until he could calm me down, than they would get back together...he just needed time...Now once again a big confrontation took place and I was really mad...I told him than that it was through GODs Grace he was here at all and that I was even talking to him...he confessed to the things she had told me..he said they were all true and he was so sorry, that he did love me always did love me...well can't believe that, he than confessed to being with two prositutes...Now I new I had a very very serious problem...I had never heard of Sex Addiction, but when I started researching it hit home and slapped me right in the face....God had directed me and I had followed Him straight to my husbands problem...my husband again told me I knew all....so I gave it to Jesus, I laid it at his feet and I put 1 foot infront of the other and started moving.....I read every book out there on Sex Addiction and had my husband read them with me, so each night we would spend an hour reading books, we also read books like the Purpose Driven Life, Joel Osteens books for his spiritual healing....My husband would not accept that he was a sex addict for months, he just refused to admit he had an addiction problem, but when I listed it all on paper, from porn, adult book stores, prositutes, affairs, masterbation all of it in front of him, he could no longer refute it he is a SEX ADDICT...so here was our plan of action....
1. We read a self help, christian based book every night for an hour
2. We listen to Arch Radio, Blazing Grace, Road to Freedom, every day
3. We take a walk every night for an hour to talk about everything and anything, we do not talk about his issues in our bedroom, we keep it to our walks, and if I need to talk or he needs to talk, we ask to walk. This is very helpful, because you can burn off energy when your angry.
4. He never leaves the house in the morning for work now without waking me up to say goodbye and that he loves me..
5. We pray every night together before we go to sleep.
6. We see our Pastor and a Counselor.
7. My husband agreed to a lie detector every three months.
This is hard work, very hard and painful, but through GOD all is possible and if you lean on HIM all can be healed...
I know that sex addicts can forget somethings that they have done and over time new things are revealed and it is so painful when they are, my husband just told me about another affair he had when he worked away from home for a year and half, he had another woman living with him, and when I would come he would move her to a motel or something...bam....hurt......he also revealed some more one night stands he had...more pain....but through my Father all is fine, I just go to his feet and he carrys me through......I LOVE HIM SO....
I have been able to make love to my husband again because the man I knew before Dec. 1st has died and a new man in Christ has been given to me....When we make love sometimes my mind will begin to wonder, but I just pray for Gods peace and it always comes.....I am enjoying my husband for the first time, because he is present and I know that God has his armor around me and I am safe......I know that there is more discovery yet to come, and I know that I still have alot of hard work ahead of me and so does my husband, but the communication is open and when I get hurt and angry my husband now lets me go through it and only says, he's sorry and that he loves me and how he wishes he could go back and take it all away....well we know he can't, but I know GOD can....
When ever I think I just can't take anymore, God gives me peace and makes my heart soft and even a safe place for my husband to fall.....Gods grace and mercy is all we need He has promised us that He is always there and I know He is.....
My husband feels like he is free from his addiction now, and that he will never relapse, he feels that since he is now known by me and he has found God that he can beat this addiction, to me he relapsed just a month ago when he picked up two playboy magazines and looked through them for 15 minutes, he didn't think of it as a relapse at the time, but now he says he does....I just pray he does...and I give it to GOD......Loving my husband is not easy, but loving my husband through GODs eyes is. When I want to just let him have it and spill out all my anger, God reminds me, I am not above my husband, I am beside him. One day while I was venting out my venom to my husband, God hit me like a thunder bolt....."WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE" and every sin I had committed during my life went through my heart, and God reminded me.....I am on the same plain as my husband....no better no worse....in Gods eyes we are equal.....my husband is one of Gods sons and I Love him because of that.....Through all this pain God is teaching me and I am growing and although I am 50 years old now and thought I knew all...LOL...I praise God that I am still learning through Him.
My thoughts and prayers are with each and everyone of you as you all travel down this very rocky highway of sex addiction.....but remember....GOD'S ENDURING LOVE WILL CARRY US ALL THROUGH TO A BETTER A BRIGHTER PLACE....
Love and Prayers to ALL
Kathy - Sorry this turned into a book, didn't mean to do that....
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Wed May 16th, 2007 10:58 pm |
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Hi Kathy,
I trust that you are aware of the following threads.
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/forum7/1049.html
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/forum7/1051.html
Praying for you both...
TruthSeeker
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