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JesusLives!
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Posted: Sun May 13th, 2007 12:59 am |
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Just had a whole discovery of things come my way, leading to my husband revealing to me that he believes he may be addicted to porn. We have been married for almost 9 years. He told me that he has been into porn since before we met. That the reason why he isn't in the mood for sex is from the porn. He says he is attracted to me and it has nothing to do with me not being good enough, that he thinks he is addicted.
I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to do. Will he keep lying to me. Is it worth working things out?
He has pushed me away, rejected me, for so long and it is almost a relief that I know the truth now. Atleast, I think I do.
I feel like he has been unfaithful in viewing other women. If he wanted to see other women he shouldn't have settled with me.
What do we do, where do we begin.
He says he will seek help and go to counciling. I met with the counciler and all she says is that "I know it is a problem for you, but is it a problem for him" and "a little porn now and then isn't bad"
We have limited resources where I am and I feel stuck.
Can he get over this? Can I trust him again??
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun May 13th, 2007 02:45 am |
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Hi JesusLives,
As you know that Jesus lives, you know that there is hope. Your hope has more basis since he is agreeing that there is a problem and is willing to seek help for it. That is a hurdle that many couples never surmount, destroying their marriage. Is he a believer too?
That counsellor, though, will not do. It is essential to find a christian counsellor who has experience in helping those with SA. You may be able to get referrals in your area from
http://www.family.org
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com
Remember the sermon on the mount? If he looks on them with lust, he has committed adultery in his heart. For the believer, it has to be zero tolerance on porn.
I realize that having nothing to do with you sounds proposterous, but it is true, and as you know it preceeded your marriage, that is additional evidence. I presume that you are reading Mike's articles on the BG homepage. They will give you a good foundation.
http://www.pureintimacy.org
was also very helpful to me.
It is too soon to know whether it is worth working out, but if he is serious about recovery, it likely is. Some people quit cold turkey, but others relapse periodically for differing amounts of time. There is no particular way that you are supposed to feel, though devastated, crushed, empty, ugly, sick, etc., are commonly shared feelings. He should not minimize your feelings. Part of his recovery is to internalize just how much he has hurt and betrayed you, and be able to acknowledge that to you. He may already be doing that, or it may take some time. Trust takes time, in direct proportion to his demonstration of trustworthiness. Hopefully, at this point with things being in the open, he will stop the lying, but you will need to watch and listen carefully, and with discernment.
What you can do is listen, since it may take time for him to figure out whom else he can trust of male friends with whom to share. Accountability software may be a good initial barrier, though it only helps control symptoms. Every scrap of porn must be destroyed, not just tossed for someone else to possibly find and use. This may need to include catalogs with lingerie advertisements also. He must get to the root of whatever he is hiding from in a fantasy world, or he will not truly break free. If he isn't following through, you need to gently, but firmly, remind him of his commitment. Prayerfully he will need no further consequences than your finding out, though some couples do separate before the husband grasps how seriously this could impact his life.
Rejection is a horrible experience, and I pray for the healing of those wounds.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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JesusLives!
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Posted: Sun May 13th, 2007 02:58 am |
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Thank you so much, I have been waiting for someone to just tell me something. It is more helpful than I ever expected to read other womens battles with this. I can not believe how common my feelings are in this situation.
My problem is that I am overseas on a military base with limited resources for help. I am not sure if they even have a SA counciler here. Is online counciling or phone counciling effective?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun May 13th, 2007 03:25 am |
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Hi JesusLives!,
There are people who have been helped by online meetings and telephone counselling. The Setting Captives Free site I mentioned above has free courses for the self-motivated. do a search here on BG for SLAA. This should bring up posts that give sites for online meetings. Be sure to check through the resources forum for useful books and links.
TruthSeeker
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JesusLives!
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Posted: Sun May 13th, 2007 03:29 am |
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| Thank you again.
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prayingdaily
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Posted: Mon May 14th, 2007 11:31 pm |
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| So sorry you had to find out such a devastating thing. I know your mind is in a whirlwind right now. Know one thing - God loves you very much and is there for you and your husband. Is your husband going to lie to you? Probably and with a straight face. The counselor you mentioned, you need to not go back there. A little porn as they put it is a problem, in fact, any porn viewing is a problem. For right now just pray and don't make quick judgments. Alot of us wives on this web have known for years about our husbands viewing porn and we have had longer to process things. Everyone's situation is different. I will be praying for you, for God's wisdom and for peace to your situation.
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JesusLives!
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Posted: Tue May 15th, 2007 12:22 am |
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| Thank you. I did speak with the the councilor about my concerns and she said that it is a problem if it is affecting our marriage and actually recommended that I see her one on one and that I see another woman who has experience in family counseling and pornography issues. The other lady made a response once I opened up with my feelings on the situation and it made me feel like I can trust her, she said that pornography is an affair of the heart. Our Chaplin I also talked to and he mentioned that there are some councilors where these ladies work that are Christians, he didn't say which ones but I am thinking that this lady may be one. I want to give her a try for the marital counseling but want my husband to have some spiritual support, maybe one on one with a Christian councilor, face to face, over the phone. I don't know. He just doesn't feel comfortable with the Chaplin's. He doesn't feel that they are true pastors. All I know is that we can not get through this without involving the Lord and I am just not sure how to involve him with our limited resources. (other than personal prayer of course)
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Natasha
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Posted: Tue May 15th, 2007 02:38 am |
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I am sorry about your pain. I am a Christian and a counselor. I agree with the others...do not settle with a therapist that doesn't understand the issues with sexual addiction. Anyone that minimizes it, doesn't grasp the problem. It is a very real problem, but not a problem that can't be managed. You and your husband CAN grow through this. New Life Ministries is planning on starting a phone based Christian counseling program, hopefully within the next month or so. Stephen Arterburn (founder of New Life Ministries) has written several books that help with SA issues, including
"Every Man's Battle." New Life Ministries is a good resource (newlife.org) and they are dedicated to healing in the name of Jesus. He also has resources for the women who are married to these men (Every Heart Restored).
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JesusLives!
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Posted: Tue May 15th, 2007 08:33 am |
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Thank you, I did look into that and am in contact with a female councelor there. We may just have to take this step. I appreciate your support.
God Bless
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