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prayingdaily
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 12:12 am |
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| Hi this is my first time here and I am so tired of living life through my emotions. It seems my husbands addiction to porn and pot have taken total control over me at time. Any suggestions?
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Joy Will Come Again
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 04:21 am |
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My suggestion for not going crazy (and this comes from someone who is in a marriage that is not healthy yet, so take it for what it's worth...):
Start to separate your mind and soul from him. Expect that you will get nothing of value for yourself out of the relationship. Expect that if you continue to be vulnerable, what you will get is more pain. Look at him like a wounded animal, and feel compassion. (Research addictive personalities; it's usually more than one addiction stemming from childhood trauma) Pray for him. Start to discover who you are now apart from him. I mean try to find a way that you don't need him or his love to enjoy life. Since he's not tending to your needs, you need to take time out for yourself. Be alone, be with friends and family, treat yourself, etc.
This is what I'm attempting to do, and I've actually had some days with laughter and happiness here and there.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 05:28 am |
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Hi prayingdaily,
So sorry you need to be here. This is not what any of us envisioned when we walked the isle.
Joy's suggestions, and I don't mean to be critical, are great if survival in a broken marriage is all you want, for whatever length of time it takes for him to move on to another broken relationship. If, however, you want a marriage, though it takes two, of course, to do that, there must be a catalyst to get your husband on the path to recovery. Sometimes that rock bottom is us simply finding out about what he has been up to. Sometimes it is drawing the boundary that intimacy cannot happen until you can see him working on his recovery. Sometimes it is separation. And sometimes there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that will disrupt his choice to sin and abandon you.
The blame game is often one of their favorite weapons, but do not be deceived. As joy said, these things stem from shildhood issues, not you. I would be extremely surprised if you told me that he had never smoked pot or looked at porn prior to your marriage. I might even call him a liar. Therefore you have absolutely nothing to do with it.
Is he getting any help while you are separated? Are you getting counselling together? If he is not pursuing any recovery, what are you waiting for? Do you want to still be in survival mode a year from now? Five or ten years from now?
I do not mean to discount Suzi's excellent advice about prayer. That is also essential. Right now you need God's wisdom, and discernment about whether he is truly seeking recovery, or just going through the motions to appease you.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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prayingdaily
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 10:20 pm |
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Thanks for your response. As far as I know he is not getting help anywhere. He told me he refuses to get help and that he would be content being a hermit. He also said he doesn't really care about anything right now. I asked him if he would go to counseling with me and he said no. Good question about what am I waiting for. Well through much prayer and talking to God I am going to move on. My husband does not want to change. I am not to wait any longer. He told me he will not put his pot down and that he can't put the porn down. Enough is enough. His anger is to a point now that I thing he may harm me or my girls. I actually see him checking girls out all the time. It hurts and it is enough. I have peace about my decision for now.
I will pray for him, for his soul, but as far as our marriage is concerned I can't be married alone. Any comments?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 10:59 pm |
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Hi prayingdaily,
It sounds like prayer has really clarified things for you. Yours and your girls' safety is paramount. I'm trusting the Lord to guide you in the decisions that will follow.
The sad thing is, we have no way of warning the rest of humanity about these unrepentent guys, as a scarlet P would violate their civil rights.
TruthSeeker
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prayingdaily
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 11:38 pm |
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| Yes, prayer is a powerful thing. It is our complete connection to the Holy Spirit. Thank you for your prayers and your comments. It's amazing how much power there is in peace and making decisions. I have a question what is a scarlet p? I can't seem to figure that one out. How are things in your life? Anything I can pray about for you? Thanks for being a good listener. I just know when we put God first everything else falls into place.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat May 12th, 2007 01:06 am |
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Hi prayingdaily,
The scarlet P comment was an allusion to the book The Scarlet Letter, where a woman convicted of adultery was required to wear a scarlet A on all of her clothing. I substituted the P for porn.
Life always has twists and turns, but generally I would say that life is tranquil, for which I am immensely greatful. I can always use prayers for time management, and being open to God's will and direction. My desire is to yield to the Potter's hand, but, of course, I often stray off in my own will.
Thank you.
TruthSeeker
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Joy Will Come Again
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Posted: Sat May 12th, 2007 06:27 pm |
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I don't take offense, as I know we all have different viewpoints.
My advice earlier is what I'm using to cope WHILE I'm hoping for recovery, not passively, but actively.
Without this perspective, I was so depressed I couldn't even face the situation.
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crucified123
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Posted: Sat May 12th, 2007 07:46 pm |
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Dear Prayingdaily,
Rule #1
Addicts are not motivated to do something about their problem until they know it is their problem. As long as they are not experiencing the pain that their choices are having upon the world about them, it's easy to stay in denial.
In other words, as long as you carry the pain and the responsibility, the the addict has no reason to do differently. All the arguing, persuasion, debating, or nagging is not going to prompt them to come out of denial.
You may want to call New Life Ministries.
You may want to read "Boundaries" by Cloud/Townsend
You definitely want to meet with a therapist that is an expert in Sexual/Romance Addiction.
Rule #2
Do not counsel with someone who is not well versed on addiction in general and sexual addiction more specifically. If you do, it will take longer or totally missed the mark altogether, while injuring you even further.
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