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mission13
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| Joined: | Wed May 9th, 2007 |
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Posted: Wed May 9th, 2007 11:14 pm |
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This is so difficult, but I hope I can find some help and support. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have dealt with his sexual addictions the entire time, except for the first 6 monthes when I was blissfully ignorant. We've gone back and forth with him confessing (after I questioned and questioned) and making attempts to change. I've been as supportive as I can be, but yet, here I am again in this horrible place. Each D-Day (discovery day) was more horrible than the last because it entailed not only more lust, but also more and more lying and deception. Each time I have somehow (by God's grace) managed to stay in love with this man who keeps hurting me and support him in spite of my unbelievable pain. The last D-day was a week ago tonight and this time has been so different. I am really struggling with my feelings for him and although I love him and care about him, I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore. It is a painful thing to face.
I need help because I don't know what to do about what I'm feeling and what I'm not feeling for him. I can't consider divorce, but what am I supposed to do? I feel like I need to fall back in love with him, but honestly I don't think I would have ever fallen in love with this man that I know today. He isn't the same man I thought I fell in love with. God please help me, I don't know what to do to save my marriage.
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Suzi
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Posted: Thu May 10th, 2007 04:51 am |
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I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I am glad you found this place, and a lot of times, just knowing others are there and have been through similar things is a big help.
You mention multiple D-days. I guess my question is this... what steps has your H taken to deal with this? What is his attitude? Other than the fact that he has destroyed your feeling of love for him, has he had any other consequences to experience.
I too have had multiple D-days with infidelity involved, so I know how "dead" our feelings can get. It's a protection for our heart. And at this point, don't give up on "love", but know that something has to change before you can recover this emotion.
What has to change is your H!!! And you can't make him change. However, there are things you can do for yourself that will make this more tolerable. Please let us know what kind of support you have in real life. Who knows about this? Who is helping you?
Also, please know that we are here to offer a hand to you and to pray for you.
Lots of hugs headed your way!
Suzi
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Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Joy Will Come Again
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| Joined: | Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 04:30 am |
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Well, you're not alone. Reading what you wrote, I feel like I could have written it myself.
I personally feel I CAN consider divorce, but it would be so painful in so many ways for me and him and our families, that it's a SUCKY option.
What really hurts me is I really do love him, and I feel extremely betrayed the infidelity, lies and general disregard for me as a spouse. So that makes me hate him.
I'm still looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe we can find it together.
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mission13
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 02:39 pm |
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Thanks for your support. I am really amazed at even the feeling of knowing that you guys understand. This is the first time I've been able to feel that.
Suzi - I really think you hit on something I've been missing with all this - consequences. I guess I liked to think that the effect on me would (should) be enough of a consequence for him to change, but until this point that really has been the one consequence. This time is different in this regard for a lot of reasons. First, he has never experienced this emotional seperation from me before. I've always been there for him and tryed to just back into the loving wife mode as quick as I could. This time I have actually held back that part of me because I don't want him to get the idea that this is getting better so he doesn't need to do anything else. Second, he has sought out other accountability (since obviously being accountable to me isn't working). He is a really shy guy who doesn't like to have to talk to people in normal circumstances, so he really feels like a group setting would not work for him because he wouldn't talk. But he has several solid Christian friends that he works with who he has gone to in these last 2 weeks and told everything. He feels like he can talk to them and be honest since he isn't worried about hurting their feelings and he sees them on a daily basis. He also sees that this is all a result of him not being in the spiritual place he needs to be, so he is working on that. His attitude has been, for the most part, very good. We've struggled with him getting a bit frustrated with me, but when we talk it out he sees my perspective and backs down. I do see him taking steps to make sure we don't end up here again. Honestly I think he is having more trouble with repairing our relationship. I think he knows what he needs to do to fix his relationship with God and to stop the sin, but he is struggling with how to mend things with us. I've pretty much told him that he has to make me fall back in love with him and show me a man that I want to be in love with. As for my support, that is hard. I have my best friend who I have confided in completely and although she is heartbroken for me and I know she is praying for me, she has never been through this. That is why I'm so glad I found this site. I really have no one else I feel I can talk to about this and I'm in such horrible pain. You mentioned that there may be things I can do to help me get through this. I would love to hear your thoughts with that because I'm really looking for that now and I just don't know what to do. Thank you for caring.
Joy- Yes, I agree, maybe we can help each other through. Honestly if we didn't have our kids (2 girls) I might be able to think about seperation or divorce more easily, but I just can't imagine that. My parents divorced when I was just a baby and my whole life was back and forth and I never felt like I really fit in either place. I don't want that for my girls. But I have told him that if we end up back here again I don't know if I would be able to stay and I think we would have to at least have a seperation at that point. I think that really scared him. I really understand your hurt because I love my husband so much, even though I can't stand him right now and I don't know that I've ever been more disgusted by a person before. That alone tells me that God is in this because I don't even know how I can love and care for him like I do. I think that leaves us with this raging battle in our hearts and minds. I feel like I have multiple personalities right now. One part of me wants to hit him, one part wants to never have to look at him again, yet one part of me actually wants to comfort him through his pain and wants be able to be in his arms again. It is all so confusing. Keep me posted on how you're doing and I'll be praying for you. Since I've found this site I just keep thinking of all of you and hurting for you. I pray that God will give you some peace today.
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prayingdaily
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Posted: Fri May 18th, 2007 12:49 am |
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Wow mission13, you said it all in your last paragraph about being disgusted, thinking you hve multiple personalities, loving him but not liking him. I am RIGHT THERE, RIGHT NOW. It's a helpless feeling, but God is Faithful to never leave us nor forsake us. Hallelujah for that. I do love my husband very much, but boy his moods, anger, addictions, attitudes right now are just so overwhelming.
So the best thing for me I believe right now is to work on my heart with God's help. We have three daughters between us and one teen who is not ours but lives with us off and on. (his ex-wives daughter, he has raised her since she was three) We also have a grandaughter who is a joy. My husband and I are living separately right now and it is a hard time for all of us. Sometimes tempers flare and we say things that are hurtful. Right now I am just living in God's grace and His loving arms.
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