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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Wed May 9th, 2007 02:52 am |
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I wish I could say I felt more confident, however that would be a bold faced lie.
He has been reading the book the pastor recommeneded (asked him to pick up at church) and he has since attended church (remember he threatened to never attend again).
HOWEVER
His take on the book is that it's stories about people who cheated and what not and what pieces of dirt they were and how no one was addressing the pain of the person acting out. That is his battle cry you know WHAT ABOUT MY PAIN????
It's so very sad to read the men's posts on here, the ones who truely get it. It' s like a huge flashlight on his lack of getting it.
I've paid DEARLY for being honest with my leadership and while I would do it again out of obedience to God, I'm almost afraid to say anything in this meeting for fear of being emotionally beat down again.
Just pray for me and tell me it's not unusual for denial to go away very S L O W L Y (as I know it does, it would just help to hear).
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed May 9th, 2007 03:30 am |
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Hi tropicalstorm,
You are absolutely correct. "it's not unusual for denial to go away very S L O W L Y."
Just a thought... I wonder if he is displacing pain from his past, which almost all addicts have, on to you in his present, thereby avoiding thinking about the past pain, anger, and parents or others he needs to forgive.
The meeting, itself, should be a safe place for you to share, but concern about the aftermath at home is very understandable. Not that this would preclude something being said later, but maybe something could be said to the effect of, "I need to know that it is safe to share my feelings/concerns here, and that you will share your genuine responses while we have a third party to mediate/buffer while we sort through things. I will not be receptive to later revisions that blame me."
Hugs and prayers...
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Wed May 9th, 2007 04:02 am |
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May your time be blessed and may you be able to be at peace!
Could I just make a comment on the addict's pain?
If your husband wants things to read that focus on the addict's pain, he might try either the basic texts of the various 12-step S fellowships or the book "Hope and Recovery" put out by the Hazelden Foundation. All these are rather like the big book "Alcoholics Anonymous," in that they end with a long series of accounts by addicts of their addiction and recovery. He could also read "Alcoholics Anonymous" and just substitute his own addiction for alcohol as he reads.
I'm a proponent of the 12-step approach, but if, like some people here, your husband is suspicious, I think it would still be possible for a person of good will to read the stories as honest accounts of pain and of hope, even if the program of recovery the authors advocate isn't exactly what he is doing.
My own therapist had me watch a video by Craig Nakken on addiction, in which Nakken describes addiction as one of the most painful diseases known. I think people who study and treat addiction get this pain. Of course, our pain as addicts doesn't mean we aren't responsible for the pain we cause others; and of course, we can't necessarily expect those we have hurt to extend a lot of sympathy for our pain while they are still hurting.
Recovery from addictions includes learning to feel the pain of others and to accept our role in causing it, but if a first step of that for your husband is having someone validate the pain he feels, there are some sources he might look at.
Again, may tomorrow go well and may it be a beginning of a new way for both of you.
Tim M.
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Wed May 9th, 2007 04:02 am |
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I had thought along similiar lines - telling him I would not pay for what was said later.
Sadly, due to the approaching appointment, he's gotten fairly ugly tonite over nothing. I did not engage - I just said I wasn't going to argue with him.
I'll keep you wonderful folks posted.
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Thu May 10th, 2007 11:45 am |
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Well that was different then I expected. Trust me when I tell you I TRUST my pastor which is huge for me. It was just different is all. He didn't thump either of us, and really honestly, he's going stright for the root of the issue with hubby, not the symptoms (that christ is our sufficiency - but there was more to it then that).
The FIRST thing I said was that I wasn't going to pay for two weeks for anything I said in there. P. said that if we used anything shared in counseling as ammunition, he would not see us anymore.
Well, at least I can breath now.
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