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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Mon May 7th, 2007 04:10 am |
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So my H and I have been separated since February (porn addiction). We're giving it another shot. We've been on two dates so far. They start out fine and we end up fighting. I think the only reason I'm trying to reconcile is that I have no clue what else to do. I don't know what to do so I might as well do what my H wants to do. I feel like being with him is a chore. Lately, I've been wanting to just be by myself. I think that if he came back home, it would be a huge inconvenience in my life. But I don't want to hurt my H. He's trying so hard. He's come so far.
I always wanted a big family more than anything. I couldn't wait to get married and have kids. Anymore, I don't think I even want children. It's so strange to even say that because I've wanted to be a mom badly for most of my life. I don't even think I want a H. I just want to be alone. I don't think I want to be married anymore. Everything that's happened has changed me. I don't recognize myself. I don't know who I am anymore. My goals have changed. My heart has changed. I don't trust anyone. I've always been such a caring person. I would be there for anyone who needed anything. I put all of myself into every relationship, including friends. Everyone has let me down. Everyone has broken my trust. Everyone has used me. Now I'm alone. I'm separated from my H. I have no friends. My job sucks so I usually only get to see my family once a week. They're the only ones I can depend on who really want the best for me.
God said to ask anything in His name and He will do it. I've asked Him to show me what He wants me to do, what path He wants me on, what direction He wants my life to go. I still don't see the answer. I'm becoming so depressed, but I really don't want to go on meds again. Smiling feels unnatural. I want to go to bed and wake up with a new life. I feel like I'm permanently damaged. If I had the chance, I would do so many things differently. Some damage just can't be fixed. Some broken hearts can't be mended. Some pain just never goes away, like when somebody close to you dies. A part of me died. That pain won't fade.
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Mon May 7th, 2007 03:39 pm |
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| I know I didn't really ask a question. I guess what I'm looking for here is, has anyone else ever felt this way? Is it normal? Is it just my fear because I know I'm terrrified to be with him? Is it Satan? He's done a lot already to divide us...I can see that. Can the love come back if we just push on?
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BlessedGanny
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Posted: Mon May 7th, 2007 06:04 pm |
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HopelesslyDesperate
I left my H in January for his PA and started therapy for myself because I had the same feelings you have. I had to figure out who I was and what I wanted for my life and it has helped me a lot. Have you thought about that? I
Because of my therapy I decided this past weekend that I should go back home. My H has come along way with his therapy and 12 step program. But he truth is I don't know how I feel about my H right now I keep hoping that I will love him again and want to be close him but I understand it will take some time. I am scared to death that I won't get those feelings back for him but I am willing to try. I feel it is what God would want me to do and how else will I know if he is serious about changing his life if I'm not around to see it. I am praying that I will find what it is I loved about him before and we will be better than we were.
The last 2 days have been very awkward lying next to him at night I don't feel anything and I don't feel like I want to either but I believe it will change.
If you can talk to a therapist or pastor it would help you a lot even if you don't stay with your husband. I hope I helped. BlessedGanny
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Mon May 7th, 2007 06:32 pm |
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I tried to find a Christian counselor for myself. I found a counseling center in my area but it's part of a church and they don't take insurance. It's the only place I've been able to find and I can't afford to go. My pastor is our marriage counselor. I'm not sure I would be comfortable with that because I think I'm entitled to privacy and he seems like he would bring up our separate conversations in our joint counseling sessions. So far, this forum is the only real support I have for me.
It is a bit of a relief to know that someone else has similar feelings. I can only imagine what must go through your head when you're lying next to him. That's one thing I think will be hard to get used to. Another thing I'm scared of is that his whole mentality has chanaged. He went from not caring if he ever had kids and not actually ever wanting to get married to being so gung ho on having 5 kids. I told him that I can't even think about having children with him and it might be years before I'm ready for that. He said he won't wait years to have a kid. All that tells me is that he still doesn't care about my feelings and I'm still not good enough. As for trying to find what I used to love about him...I want to do this too, but it scares me even worse. I feel like I never knew him, like everything I thought I knew and loved about him was fake because he was living this double life. I've erased every compliment and adoring look he's ever given me from my mind. It actually offends me when he stares at me now. What I loved was the addict, the lost soul, the selfish, unloving man. Is that what I want to find again? What else is there? The whole relationship was fake...at least that's how I see it sometimes.
I feel like I'm just being weak. I'm happy that you found the strength to do what you're doing. I pray that it gets better for you. Thank you for your words. I'm just so glad I'm not alone, since that's all I feel anymore.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon May 7th, 2007 09:14 pm |
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Hi HopelesslyDesperate,
I'm not sure how to help you through the process of sorting out what to believe about who your H really is, but I do believe that it is highly probable that most of the characteristics you loved about him are still present. Many of the men on this site have expressed the conflict between what almost sounds like a split personality. Pray to trust God to have filtered out the bad, but left the good.
Does there seem to be a pattern to the conflict that occurs on your dates? Is it the same subject? Are you disagreeing about one or the other's actual behavior, philosophy/opinion, or perceptions/feelings? Could it be a defense mechanism of your fear, trying to maintain distance, fearing to allow the whole evening to go well lest your hopes be dashed?
There could be pros and cons about resuming life under the same roof. The longer you are apart, the more likely either of you might become complacent with that situation. Daily routines occupy a lot of time in marriage, and can actually be a way to start reestablishing emotional intimacy. With your H's salvation, and your recommitment, you have a whole new area of intimacy to explore--spiritual intimacy--reading the Bible together and praying together. Physical intimacy would not necessarily be involved at first, as the emotional intimacy, for both partners, needs to get to that point. Also, what better way to see how genuine his changes are. It is much easier to put on appearances by e-mail, phone, or even brief times together. On the other hand, it could mean even increased difficulty for him to be near you so much without both of you being ready for physical intimacy. You would need to discuss these things candidly before considering it.
A marriage needs to be on a firm foundation for a mutually comfortable length of time before you consider children. Children, while a joy, complicate the marriage relationship, magnifying stresses, not smoothing them over. You will have less one on one time together, different budgeting needs, and parenting decisions to make, just to name a few. It is best to read some books on parenting, (I would suggest Dr. Dobson's,) and make sure you agree on the basics of parenting before getting pregnant. Children will figure out very young if their parents are not united and can be played off one against the other.
Praying for the two of you...
TruthSeeker
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Tue May 8th, 2007 03:42 am |
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You know when all the dry bones in my husband's closet starting doing a tango line through my house (and trust me, most of the time I wasn't even LOOKING for them) I felt like my entire marriage had been a big joke no one let me in one. I was furious.
It took a LONG time to recover from that and realize that in a way it was a farce because God was not at the center OR the head of our marriage.
This latest "relapse" - I use that term loosely because there's never been an actual recovery YET, (but my deliverer - or more correctly - HIS deliverer) is coming.
It is hard, but you know if you take this opportunity in the pressure cooker to really dig what you need to about you - completely and 100% YOU - cuz you know God's not going to ask you about your spouse's sin when you die, you may be thrilled to find errors where God's grace COULD abound.
I've been blessed with many ministry opportunities by God. Wooo Hooo work for Jesus and so many times the devil has used this very issue to keep me from my calling.
I remember those days though - where you are.
It will get better in God.
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Wed May 9th, 2007 12:28 am |
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I'm not really sure why, but I have a little peace inside me right now. It's weird because of all that I've been thinking and feeling lately. Thank the Lord for that.
My H and I went to dinner last night. We said not one unkind word to each other. He listened to me when I spoke. Maybe I've been too preoccupied with detesting him, that I never noticed he does this now. It was very strange. We actually had a very nice night together, and I miss him today. Given all my concerns written just the other day (I still think about those things sometimes), it almost felt out-of-body to watch us get along, for once. Ya know, I'm just realizing at this moment, that God really does everything He says. I asked God in His name to show me the path He wants me on, the life He wants for me, and maybe this is His way of doing that.
One question always plagues me and I'm afraid it always will...how long will this last?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed May 9th, 2007 01:19 am |
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Hi HopelesslyDesperate,
"One question always plagues me and I'm afraid it always will...how long will this last?"
Only God knows the answer to that. I hope and pray that it lasts for the rest of your lives. You guys have come a long way in the last three months, giving you significant reason to hope that this would not rear its ugly head again, but I caution both of you against complacency. Marriage is like a garden. When tended faithfully by both partners, it flourishes beautifully. If neglected, for even a short time, ugly weeds will encroach. After all that the two of you have been through, it would be understandable if you set a zero tolerance boundary, i.e., any more porn the marriage is over, no questions asked.
Having said that, as each couple's circumstances are different, let me share the dicotomy I experienced upon my second discovery. It was harder, because I was so sure that the efforts we had made in the previous 16 months had been a complete success. I had given it no thought for months, not questioned him, not nosed around, nothing. Then wham! I stumbled over it head-long. Now, almost a year later, I snoop periodically, just not able to let that guard down completely. On the other hand, as broken-hearted as I was, I also knew that if I'd survived it once, I could survive it again. That is not to say that I would maintain that perspective perpetually, because boundaries have never been a problem for me, but that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is faithful to see me through. It is God's abiding presence, not what storm may come in to my life on a given day, this one or some other, that is the bedrock of my life. Jesus told us straight up that "in this world you shal have tribulation, but be of good courage, for I have overcome the world." With Jesus as my anchor, I am like one of those kids character themed punching bags. The world can throw its punches at me, but with faith in and dependence on God, I will always return to an upright position.
Praise God for the peace you are experiencing. Always remember that Jesus is the author of peace, Satan the author of confusion.
TruthSeeker
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Wed May 9th, 2007 10:40 pm |
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What a great analogy to a garden. Too many marriages these days are left unattended and fall apart. That's a great way to look at it and I completely agree. My H is actually trying to find a book about being the leader of the family (Christian book). I don't think I've ever seen one like that but we might go to the Christian bookstore this weekend.
I have already established a zero tolerance policy. I told my H a bit ago that I don't "need" him. If there is a "relapse" I will not tolerate it. I will simply leave. I may be able to survive it again, but I don't want to. If he falls, that means that Satan has gotten a hold of him again and will soon try to take me down too. I've been down that road and have no desire to travel it again.
He's opened up to me more than he has to anyone ever before in his life. He gave me his passwords to email and other sites. I can check whenever I choose. He has offered to get tracking or blocking software on his computer. He lets me go through his phone bills to see who he's talking to. I almost don't know what to do with this. It's so far from what I'm used to with him. I find myself wondering what it would be like with him back home, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet.
Your words are always filled with warmth and understanding. I will always appreciate that. Your punching bag analogy was great too. I know exactly what you mean. I'm slowing coming upright again. A very hard blow knocked me over, but I know God is helping my get up and stand strong.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu May 10th, 2007 12:06 am |
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Hi HopelesslyDesperate,
Did you mention resources? :-)
There are, thankfully, more than you might expect. The first is by Dr. Dobson...
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=317489&netp_id=485013&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW
The next, though written by a woman, I have heard great things about, and has a companion book for women.
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=40413&netp_id=271420&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW
The rest of these books are ones with which I am not familiar, but might give you a starting point for what's out there.
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=0401X&netp_id=271454&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=14488&netp_id=316955&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=241836&netp_id=335516&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=08268&netp_id=208023&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=758237&netp_id=437790&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=66827&netp_id=300303&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=33049&netp_id=349462&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW
Promise Keepers has articles and links to other resources.
http://www.promisekeepers.org/store-under-construction
Focus on the Family and Growthtrac have an abundance of articles about many aspects of marriage.
http://www.family.org
http://www.growthtrac.com
Your kind words are uplifting as well.
TruthSeeker
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Thu May 10th, 2007 12:33 am |
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| Wow!!! Thank you. The only site I found to be helpful is http://www.marriagemissions.com. I really appreciate it and I'm sure my H will too.
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Thu May 10th, 2007 09:58 pm |
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Thanks for the references. I gave them to my H and he ordered two books and wants to order a couple more when he finishes with them. They are just what he was looking for. There are even some for how to be a good Christian wife, which was my next question. I also want to know about having a Christian family and raising kids right in the Lord, but since that probably won't be for quite a while, I'll hold off on asking for any references there. Thanks Last edited on Thu May 10th, 2007 10:13 pm by HopelesslyDesperate
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prayingdaily
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 12:15 am |
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| They are days I feel I want to be married and days that I don't. I feel as this is a grieving process and we have to walk through these valleys to find our healing. I know I love my husband right now, but I sure don't like him very much. His anger and isolation from everyone scares me. I know I have to realize that God loves him more than I do and to let go, but of course that is the hard part. As far as fear goes, it is an attack from the devil. The Bible says that God has given us a sound mind.
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Joy Will Come Again
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 04:10 am |
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I know exactly how you feel. My husband's sex addiction with consequent lies, anger and neglect have killed the person I used to be.
I was depressed for a long time, and I feel maybe now, I am trying to become a whole person again. It's not over, and he's trying, but I honestly can't imagine things becoming completely wonderful.
Just today, I thought we were having a nice day, and I discover he was composing an email to a girl he used to (?) have a crush on about a picture of her body. Whoopee. Recovery is slow going, if he will ever get there, I don't know.
I want to feel hope when people say they have healed marriages, but I know that I am forever changed because of this. I too, don't want to have children with him.
I'm sorry I'm not encouraging, but I too have badly needed an anonymous place to vent and commiserate as I've had no one to talk to.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 05:56 am |
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Hi HopelesslyDesperate,
If you're not careful, we'll have to change your name to DesperatelyHopeful. :-)
I'm glad I was able to help connect you with some resources. It gives me great joy to see the steps you are both taking toward healing. MarriageMissions looks like it has good articles too. Thanks for sharing.
TruthSeeker
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 05:40 pm |
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This may be another set worth considering.
[url=http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=8966&event=71457SBF|1086397|71457]http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=8966&event=71457SBF|1086397|71457[/url]
I have also heard good things about Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages series. That includes titles for marriage as well as parenting. For future reference, I probably based a great deal of my parenting on Dr. Dobson's books, and feel that I have found his principles helpful.
TruthSeeker
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BetterDays
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Posted: Sat May 12th, 2007 07:13 am |
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HD,
I think your feelings are totally normal. I've also always wanted kids and (even though I'm still young and not ready) I have already given my H an ultimatum about having kids. I told him I won't even consider having children with him until I know (as much as I can know) that he will never look at P and M every again. This is going to take a long time, he is only 3 weeks clean today and he's got a long way to go.
There have been days, weeks when it hurt to smile. I would start randomly crying at work, and had to make up some excuse to my co-workers, which made me feel very alone. I've also felt depressed and found myself thinking about medication (even though we don't have insurance) because it got to the point where I just hated who I was becoming. I look back now to a couple weeks ago, and realized I must have hurt some people by the way I was acting (detaching myself, not answering phone calls, not listening...none of which are a part of my normal personality). I've also always considered myself a caring, loving, and patient person, but I've come to realize that this kind of situation we are in hardens our hearts. We turn our backs on people, we lose trust, and we can't make or keep friends because we are dealing with so much. I pray to God every night for my heart (and everyone else's dealing with the same thing) to be softened. I want to be that person I was again, I want to be the best wife I can be, and those two things are a really good motivator for me when I'm not in the thick of things anyways.
I hope truthseeker is right and we can start calling you DesperatelyHopeful...I pray we can all be hopeful and find some rest in the arms of God when we are hurting the most. I'm praying for you.
____________________
~Since I am where I am, this must be what I need~
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Mon May 14th, 2007 06:44 pm |
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prayingdaily wrote: They are days I feel I want to be married and days that I don't.
Right now I'm stuck on don't. I'm so sick of all of this. I just want to start my life over again. I can't stand it anymore. He doesn't care about my feelings. He doesn't try to understand. He pushes and pushes and doesn't realize that all it makes me want to do is give up and file the paperwork. I told him about all my doubts and concerns the other night. About how my heart isn't in this (reconcilliatioon) and I don't feel anything when he hugs me and I actually have to force myself to hug him back. His reply? He wants to move back in. I don't get it. Does any sound come out of my mouth when I speak? He says he hears every word and understands every word, but he just doesn't. I can't seem to get through to him no matter how hard I try and I'm getting so sick of trying. I asked him if he realized that it might be a long time before we live together again, like even a year. He made it conditional and said as long as he could stay over some nights that would be fine. I said it might be a really long time before I could consider having children with him, like what if it takes five years? He said he won't wait five years to have kids. What is that supposed to mean to me? He doesn't care about my feelings, about my healing. If he really loved me and wanted the life he talks about with me, should there be a time limit? He doesn't want me, he wants this picture of a family in his head. He wants to get out of his Mom's so bad. That's why he wants to move back. He was at a family picnic yesterday and was jealous, so he wants kids. Do I matter at all? Now he thinks we should just not talk about "us" because we always end up arguing. Just talkk about day to day stupid stuff and we'll be fine. Is that a good relationship? Is there any intimacy there when you can't share your feelings with each other because you might argue? He's blaming my pushing him away for temptations to use P & M. Is it my fault? I'm so sick of everything!
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BetterDays
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Posted: Mon May 14th, 2007 11:04 pm |
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It is definitely not your fault that he is being tempted, and he shouldn't be using that against you. I know when my H trys to blame me I tell him flat out it's not my fault and that it's his problem.
I don't know what else to say except that God is listening to you and He knows what your needs and wants are.
____________________
~Since I am where I am, this must be what I need~
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geeky_student
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Posted: Tue May 15th, 2007 07:03 am |
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is your husband repentant?
love isnt just a feeling, love is patient, always forgiving, never envying, not expecting anything back, not self seeking, love is caring.
do read Romans chapter 5 i think.
honestly, does he loves you in these ways? you guys have been apart for a long time, dont let the enemy get any foothold. Be willing to take him back if he's sincere.
we are to be like Christ, if Christ didn't want us to reconcile with Him because we might sin again, hmm....
God did not give us a spirit of fear.
God bless! Trust in Him, surrender all to Him completely
i will continue praying for you guys
stay strong in God
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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