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tiredofit
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Posted: Tue Oct 4th, 2005 01:47 am |
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Where do I start? I have always known that men looked at women and couldn't do anything about it. I felt that that was how God made them. When I met my husband in Bible college, the fact that he struggled with occasional porn seemed like nothing to me. Six years later after all the re-tries of cutting it out of his life- I am at the end of my rope. Divorce, separation, altamatimes are not an option.
My husband was severely abused as a child. Physically, mentally and emotionally. His father watched porn and disrespected his wife in front of him. He would put his hands between her legs and then tell my husband to smell his fingers. Shocking, I know. He was a drunk. Ever since then, my husband has struggled with intimacy, masturbation and porn.
He doesn't buy anything or go to prostitutes, he even clicks off as soon as he gets to a site because he is so scared. He genuinly wants to do what is right, and is very honest with me...but can't seem to stop. I know a way to check the history of the computer that he doesn't know how to access. I go there sometimes to see what he has been up to- to try to hold him accountable. Well, today, I saw some things that a married woman just doesn't want to see--- other women. I know he looks- but I just felt like today was the last time I could handle it.
I don't have a self-esteem problem- it's not that the other women are prettier then me (which of course they are) it's the fact that it is another woman. It is also the fact that my husband is so respected in our church and is extremely intelligent and knows a lot about Biblical things- he is working on finshing a Master's of Divinity. How could anyone ever think that MY HUSBAND looks and struggles with porn? It is so tough for me- I don't want to hurt his integrity, or his ministry- he really, very genuinly wants to stop and tries....a lot. But, I can't talk to anyone about this for those reasons, and sometimes- I want to hurt him back by giving him huge guilt trips after he has already given himself the same ones. I will not offer him an altimatem because I know he genuinly wants to quit, and has...many times. We have a one year old son, we are Christians and active in a church and I will never leave him or offer such a thing if he doesn't stop. Don't get me wrong- if he ever cheated on me with an actual human- it would be a different story. I am not a walking mat for him to clean his shoes on. I know what you are thinking- it is the same as if it were a real woman- but lets be practical- it really isn't.
I want to help him and stay accountable with him...but sometimes I have too much going on to take care of another child! This hurts me because when he is in these times of lust- he speaks meanly to me, is short with me and doesn't give quality time to our son. This is not the man I married. The man I married would not continually hurt me. He is a good father and a good husband who is very caring, loves the Lord and loves me. Of course he has his quirks, as do we all.
Now I know other women have it a lot worse then I do...but since this is an open forum and I have kept it in for so darn long.... wow- I really let it all out, huh?
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Oct 7th, 2005 11:59 am |
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I am sorry you find yourself on this forum for wives of porn addicts.
I too thought that "at least" he was actually cheating. Well that is what my husband told me. It kept me stuck for years. I think that if he had actually physically cheated it would have been better. I could have dealt with that swiftly and precisely. The porn is so gray. I kept thinking it was as bad and yet the resentment grew. The poison in my marriage was insidious. I started to truly lose respect for the man I loved since I was 13.
You say your husband wants to stop then he needs to get accountable to others. It has to hurt or he won't change.
Nobody has it worse than you. This pain is happening to you. It is real. It is hurtful. It is a betrayal. It is a grievous sin. It is tainting your marriage. God gave us all desires that doesn't mean we have to act on them. Godly men should not look at other women besides their wives. This is hurting you, your husband and God.
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tiredofit
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Posted: Fri Oct 7th, 2005 01:02 pm |
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He does want to stop and he is accountable with others. He has been free so many times, yet when times get tough he goes back to it for comfort. His father was an alcoholic and beat them, he did not teach them the way a man is suppossed to act. My husband is caught in this little boy mentality because he was never taught how to be a man. While at the same time, he is very grown up and manly.
I'm not making excuses for him, I know it is adultery- he is the one that continues to tell me this! I just want him to find his fulfillment in Christ. We have a few people that treat him like a son. We both appreciate that, and these are the people he is accountable with.
But, what are these people going to do when he says, "yes, I've fallen again" All one can do is pick up and start again. That's all we can do. Forgive.
It hurts, but the main reason I keep going is because I know his heart. Don't think I'm naive- cause I'm not- but I know he truly wants to stop and continues to do so everyday. Some days are tough and he doesn't win the battle, these are the days when he is hardest on himself. This is where it really affects our marriage- he is so down on himself and guilt-ridden, that he is mean to me, and short-tempered. THis isnot the man I married. He is so calm, happy and sweet-natured. Porn has affected our marriage in this way, and I want my husband back for good, that is why it is so hard, becaus as much as he wants to be free, sometimes, it rears its ugly head!
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Oct 7th, 2005 02:39 pm |
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You say he wants to stop and is accountable to others. That is a good start but it is NOT working if he still struggling.
This is a winnable war. It is not a lost cause. They DO have a choice. My husband grew up with an alcoholic father who still drinks and still uses porn openly. His mother turned her eyes. This was part of my husband's life for almost 30 years. He is free now, completely free. It has not been without work and faith though. For the first 4 years he never went online unless he had a purpose. We don't have any movie channels and all the questionable ones are blocked. That has been his doing. He went up over and above to steer away from temptations.
Prayer is the best defense but it is NOT the only one. I believe God wants us to fight for our marriages. If porn if present there is no trusting, loving, and sense of oneness.
The option for my husband to act out at all had to be removed. It was the only way.
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