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geeky_student
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 08:01 pm |
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Sorry I posted it in the masturbation section. it wasnt just m
Please do post a response here if you can, i dont mind you copy and paste. 
It was Sunday, during worship i was still thinking "no way i am gonna sin today!" I felt peace with God. I took it for granted. The Holy Spirit helped me to not take it for granted like i've said on my post in the thread "confession" Here it is, some reading...
Report on Pornography and Masturbation 04-01-07
This is not an April fools thing. As a matter of fact, I feel like a fool—I have been deceived, again.
I felt blind. I felt stupid. I felt empty. I felt regretful. I felt like a traitor. I felt like a hypocrite. I felt like a pervert. I felt like I am an idiot who rejected God’s gift for me and “thanked” Him by sinning against Him.
I felt blind—for a long time (not anymore now thank God) I had flashbacks of what I saw and kept thinking perverted things in my mind. I close my eyes and they flashed up. My eyesight literally felt sorta blurry. My mind, too felt blurry.
I felt stupid—it was stupid of me to not listen to God. It was stupid of me not to quit during the midst of sinning, even when God has calmed my heart and told me how disgusting the sin I was committing. I felt stupid stopping so many times in the midst and kept going back! I felt stupid not thanking God for all these Godly songs He put in my head to write down even when I was sinning. I was not willing to turn. I felt stupid pushing the line. I felt stupid unbuckling the belt (literally) and lifting the shield of faith half-heartedly.
I felt empty—obviously worldliness has not, does not and will never satisfy our needs. It was a horrible thing I had done having sex with myself—it has a backfire leaving you feeling empty. I thought: oh no God is going to take away everything He has given me, every blessing, every gift, every opportunity, every ministry, every inheritance. And also the ones He has blessed me with today (I will explain later).
I felt regretful—again, I always think, wouldn’t it be so good if I hadn’t done any of this junk? It’s true, it is good to not sin. But when the temptation is there it just seems so…like I didn’t care for anything or if I did I numbed my thoughts and tried to block what the Holy Spirit is telling me, half-hearted prayers, superficial thoughts and “thinking” as in I think of it but don’t really think about it. It feels horrible.
I felt like a traitor—I betrayed God and turned to my old ways. I didn’t thank Him for the blessings He has blessed me with but instead sinned against Him for my selfish wants. I betrayed her—the girl I love. Okay, when I held her hand that day I made a promise, thinking: never will I ever use these hands masturbating or clicking/typing the wrong things again. I also made a promise that I will not look at/or masturbate at all during spring break. Well, I failed to do both.
I felt like a hypocrite—well, earlier I was telling Josh (my accountability partner) this story about how we must not give into temptation no matter how tempting it may sound: story is here:
So I promised my son $100 if he beat me in golf. He did. So I said, double or nothing? He said no, decisively. I said: 1 free shot. No. 2 free shots. No. 3 free shots. “I don’t know”. C’mon 3 free shots in a 9 hole game, take it or leave it. Fine.
10 minutes later his son was tearful and said: that wasn’t fair.
It was your choice.
“Well, you were like a little devil sitting on my shoulder telling me to do it.”
So I told my friend that this story shows that we can A: not give in and grow in God. Or B: give in and …
But what have I chose to do today? Not to mention this was among the many thoughts God put in my mind during the midst of me sinning.
I felt like a pervert—like I said, using my good, big and long hands and fingers not for Godly purposes, not praising God, not keep it clean from such abominations and keeping it clean when I hold her hand. I feel sick having done all that. It feels so sick when I think that I’ve held her hand and then… but wait, woah, isn’t that what I did on the day I got baptized? I was washed and baptized in the name of Christ and sinned the very day… yeah, I confessed this before, and God forgave me for that. Surely He will cleanse me from this. J YAY! (PS: I felt quite “unsure” ‘til now J)
And now the idiot part—this is what happened today. By the way, it’s the Lord’s Day and I sinned on this day L. How very blasphemous (not that it’s any less blasphemous on other occasions, I still sinned against God). This is something I am going to describe here. Okay, so we had this singing group from California Baptist University come over and praise the Lord with us today during the service. So after the service, I went to the piano and started playing (thought I felt that it was kind of getting glory for myself and not for God, but I tried to justify it by thinking “well, I am showing what gifts God has given me”. (Was I right? Please, if you can try answer that in your post.) So while I was playing the people from the choir came and asked me if I would like to attend CBU! They offered me a $3000 scholarship. So after I just kinda walked out of the sanctuary. To be honest I felt confused if I had done something displeasing to God and whether it’s Him blessing me instead of punishing me or maybe He had something better for me. I guess part of me was that “well, I am not gonna make it “big” going to a Christian music college (which the Holy Spirit rebuked right away because that was a worldly thought of getting fame instead of serving God). So the thing is, does God want me to go there? I mean, I can still give glory to Him and serve Him going to a different music college right? Then I thought “well how am I going to be able to provide for my family?” Again, the Holy Spirit rebuked that thought by telling me that God is my provider and deliverer, I shouldn’t be of little faith, just fully rely on Him and stop worrying! Okay, with that said to you, here’s what I thought before and during sinning, it sounds silly and nonsense and truly a lie. The Holy Spirit did rebuke these thoughts when they flashed up in my mind but I did the “one eye open and one eye closed” thing again. So I thought, well maybe I don’t want to go to that school, hmm… perhaps God will take it away if I sin against Him. (eww… “excuse” for sinning, and how could I not want His blessings? Foolish man I was! Thank God that He is compassionate. I pray that He forgives me for what I’ve done. I feel disgusted at that really). So yeah, I felt confused and weird and gave in. Shouldn’t have, I should’ve seeked God and listen to Him counseling me and showing me what is true. I was being deceived big time there. (PS: we get deceived because we want to be deceived, so it’s no excuse.)
I started writing this report on the day I sinned but neglected that big paragraph ‘til today when God, again reminded me that I should. (Yes, I’ve sinned by disobeying Him and being distracted to other things instead of writing this. Not porn though, thank God!)
I must not even think of getting any glory to myself, I must always give all glory to God! Please pray that He will show me what is true and not let me allow myself to think in blur. I mean, it's a gift to think consiously. To try to block out what God says to you is not something anyone of us should do.
God is with us, let us listen to Him and obey Him!
I will continue praying for you guys!
Keep clean!
Blessed in Christ we all are! J Always!
Last edited on Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 08:01 pm by geeky_student
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For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 11:37 pm |
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Geeky, you are obviously being convicted of the sin by the Holy Spirit which is a good sign. If the Spirit stops talking to you, then you should worry. I can't help thinking of St Paul writing in Romans, Chapter 7 and you've heard it a hundred or more times, I'm sure: verse 14- "For we know that the Law is spiritual; but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. V.15 For that which I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. V.16 But if I do the very thing I do not wish to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that it is good. V.17 So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which indwells me. V.18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the wishing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. V.19 For the good that I wish, I do not do; but I practice the very evil that I do not wish. V.20 But if I am doing the very thing I do not wish, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. V.21 I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wishes to do good. V.22 For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, V.23 but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind, and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. V.24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? V.25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin." Don't forget to carry on reading to Chapter 8. This is a sermon (really it's a module) that needs to be read in the context of the adjacent chapters. If Paul wanted us to stay in the no man's land of this turmoil described in Chapter 7, he would not have gone on to describe the way out. Chapter 8 begins, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. V.2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death." Read on and especially from verse 9 "However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. V.10 And if Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. V.11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who indwells you. V.12 So then, brothers, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh - V.13 for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. V.14 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God." Read on.
Our constant battle is to try with Christ's strength, with His Spirit's power working within us, transforming gradually our corrupted bodies, to achieve the state of harmony with Christ and Abba Father that is described in Romans Chapter 8. Some may be under the misapprehension that a Christian cannot have the Holy Spirit indwelling if sin is ever present. Yet we are all of us sinners, and all have fallen short. Therefore the Holy Spirit indwells all Christians because they confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. Blessings, Stephen.
Last edited on Thu Jun 21st, 2007 09:45 pm by guitarist63
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