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Bill
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| Joined: | Wed Jan 31st, 2007 |
| Location: | Mississippi USA |
| Posts: | 45 |
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 07:47 pm |
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Hello my friends,
First I want to apologize for being away for so long, but I have not been "up to no good". And I want to thank everyone why has contacted me telling me that they have been missing me and telling me that they hope everything is going ok. I have been checking the site out just about every day just to see what is going on and get encouragement from everyone. So thanks alot to all of you.
I am a farmer and I have been working in the fields from daylight til dark 6 days a week for about the last 5 weeks. I have been planting corn, fertilizing it, and putting chemicals on it. I finally kinda got caught up with my work this morning. This has been a very stressful time for me but hopefully things will slow down until we get a rain so I can start planting soybeans. It is really dry here.
But, anyway, I have not fallen since we last talked. The last time I looked at porn and masterbated was Jan. 28. " 2 WHOLE MONTHS. THANK YOU LORD JESUS CHRIST". So I am kinda proud of myself for that. I still have problems and I am afraid that since I have some free time I might fall. I told you earlier that I have not told my wife about this problem. Well, it is still the same about that. She has no idea that I have been a sex addict ever since before we were married. Over the last few week I have spent a lot of time thinking about this while I have been on a tractor. "That's one thing about farming, You have plenty of alone time to just think".
Anyway, I know that I have got to tell her and I want to so bad but it just scares me to death to thing about hurting her so much. I still don't have an accountability partner, except you guys of course. If she starts asking certain questions it is no way I can answer her truthfully. Sometimes I think that since I have gone for two months without acting out I wonder if I might be able to beat this on my own and not tell her. I know that is just wishful thinking and I also know that if I ever get to where I can talk to someone it will be so much easier. This isolation is just killing me.
Well, I need to get back to work. A frien just called and wants me to spray a few hundred acres for him. I need the money so I had better go.
Thanks again to everyone and may God bless and keep everyone safe.
Billy Day 61 of the rest of my life. THANK YOU JESUS.
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Gettinbetter
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| Joined: | Wed Jan 10th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 07:55 pm |
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Bill,
Really good to hear from you. I was wondering how you were. Praise God for your freedom!!!
I'm not sure about telling your wife. I know most people say you should, but I'm not so sure. If you are clear with God and working with folks here on staying free, that's enough for right now.
The time may come when you tell her, but it may be a bit down the road. Enjoy your freedom in Christ. Take some time to settle into this new skin. When the time is right it you will know it's right. And who knows when that time will be? Only God.
Conratulations and God bless this years crop!!!
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 846 |
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 08:07 pm |
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Hi Bill,
Yes, it is good to hear from you, and praise God for the freedom you are experiencing.
It is not that it is or is not necessary to tell your wife in order to beat the addiction, but that something of this magnitude that remains unspoken, unconfessed, unforgiven, will hinder your intimacy from being all that it can be. Barriers to the best possible intimacy do not have to be known to both partners in order to be barriers. Having said that, it is definitely wise to seek God's timing for the conversation, but don't use your own fear as an excuse for it not being God's time yet.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Bill
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| Joined: | Wed Jan 31st, 2007 |
| Location: | Mississippi USA |
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 09:32 pm |
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Thank you for your reply, Truthseeker
I know that I have to tell me wife and I want to more than anything. I know that it will be a burden off of me. I just don't know how to go about doing it. I need some guidance before I do it. I want to be sure I am prepared before hand. I have got to talk to someone else first and then I think it will be easier talking to her. Maybe I can kinda practice with someone else. Like I said, I need some guidance really bad.
Thank you so much for being on here for me.
Billy
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gaylon
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| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 10:45 pm |
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If you haven't already, you might want to check out this thread:
http://blazinggrace.org/forums/forum24/863.html
Hawkeye wrote a letter to his wife, and used it as a guide in talking to her. Pretty much you just have to open your mouth and start talking, without expecting anything from her than crying and anger and disappointment, and if it's any better than that, then be thankful. And, you've got to be willing to tell *all* to her, in as much detail as she wants to hear. This will plant the seeds of trust in her, and her intuition will tell her when you're holding back. We don't understand that, since we don't have much of that kind of intuition, but I'm still learning that it's very real ;-) Then, keep talking each day. Ask her how she feels; does she feel angry, and tell me about it; does she feel insecure, and what can I do to help her feel safe; report each day how you're doing; tell her every day you love her; try to see some new thing about her each day. Lisa Terekuest recommends putting a picture of her as a little girl in your wallet, and think about protecting this little girl's heart. This has helped me begin to develop the beginnings of a non-sexual intimacy with my wife.
Anyway, praying for you.
And -- re: farming - don't know the first thing about it, but it's always seemed like a cool occupation. Feast or famine on the rain, eh? 2004 and 2005 you were probably asking God to ease up on the rain ;-) We did a relief trip to Gulfport - what a mess that was...
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TimM
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Posted: Sat Mar 31st, 2007 05:21 am |
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Bill,
Thanks for coming and sharing, and great work!
I don't farm, myself, but I live in the woods in an area where up on the flats people mostly grow corn and soybeans and some livestock, so I kind of know the routine.
In answer to your question on talking to your wife, I just started a separate thread where I quote a letter I read to my wife as the start of a conversation. I also mention in there a book that helped me think about disclosure. It's just my words and my story, and I do a lot of writing, but there might be things there that could help you or somebody else think about how to have that sort of conversation.
Do well with that. It's hugely important that we learn how to share and be open and intimate with our spouses, and we're here in large part because we never did learn those things.
Again, you've done great work already and you're looking to move in some very important directions in the future. Keep coming back.
Tim M.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Sat Mar 31st, 2007 10:33 pm |
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Praise the Lord, Bill. Well done for achieving the two months without "p" and "m". What were the other problems? May God continue changing your heart and renewing you, filling you, daily with his love, peace and strength. Farming is a fine occupation that requires a lot of hard work and we can learn from you about discipline - i.e. getting up early and working hard. Blessings, Stephen.
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Bill
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| Joined: | Wed Jan 31st, 2007 |
| Location: | Mississippi USA |
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 01:57 am |
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Hello
The other problems are isolation and keeping this from my wife. I know that I have got to solve both of those problems.
Thanks and may God bless everyone tonight
Billy
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