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Brian Angels
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 05:10 am |
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Hi everyone,
I know i just left a long post earlier on another thread but I have a situation which I'd like to get some feedback on. My wife and I separated almost two months ago because of my pornography abuse and I have been porn free for two weeks. I don't even desire to look at it. I admit I will not give up masturbation because I feel its a natural activity for a man to do. While I vowed to renounce porn (I have no imagination so lustful thinking is no alarm for concern), I now look at sexy pictures of my wife, which we took during sex and her posing. She is my wife, so that is permitted, yes? She doesn't like the fact I'm doing this and feels she is a substitute for porn. To a point, yes, the picture are but they stimulate me and they are of her, not porn stars. I don't look at her in a degrading way or as a sex object but admire every inch of her body and see how lucky I really am. She is beautiful.
Sin or acceptable behavior?
Last edited on Tue Mar 27th, 2007 05:11 am by Brian Angels
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 05:43 am |
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Hi Brian,
I am not going to tackle your main question, as there is already a bit of debate going on about M, though if you have read Mike's article on the subject, you know what the position of this board's administrator is.
I have two questions: 1. Why are you looking for any stimulation at all at this time? 2. Are you truly honoring your separation if you are being virtually intimate with her against her will?
TruthSeeker
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 08:19 pm |
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Brian,
I don't know the official "right answer" but I can give you a woman's viewpoint on it... The most I can give you is it's a step in the right direction, but if you were my husband, I would be offended by it. Yeah, better than looking at other women. But, the core issue, IMHO, is still not being dealt with.
Can you turn your thoughts toward purity? Toward godliness? Tpward God? Toward becoming the husband God wants you to be? the husband your wife NEEDS you to be?
It's like when a youth pastor tells his kids... "don't concentrate on what you CAN'T do, concentrate on what you are supposed to do!" Also reminds me of a kid putting his toe on the boundary line and looking back at his parents.. like.. "see? I am not over the line!"... while the safest place to be is well behind the line. See what I mean?
If we get really busy doing the best things, then the borderline stuff gets forgotten.
Phil 4:8 comes to mind for me...
I commend you for being willing to work on this and I encourage you to keep making progress. What BETTER things can you put your energy into?
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 08:33 pm |
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truthseeker wrote: I have two questions: 1. Why are you looking for any stimulation at all at this time? 2. Are you truly honoring your separation if you are being virtually intimate with her against her will?
Thank you for the response. I'm actually not looking for any stimulation at this time but when I do get the feeling, that is when I'll turn to pictures we took together. For your second question, when she first found out about my problems, she wanted me to use images of her instead of pornography. Even though we are separated, she is still my wife and one true love. When I really miss her, I look at her pictures and yes, I will get turned on. It's like I'm close with her then.
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 08:42 pm |
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"Can you turn your thoughts toward purity? Toward godliness? Tpward God? Toward becoming the husband God wants you to be? the husband your wife NEEDS you to be?"
YES I CAN TO ALL QUESTIONS ASKED. I'VE BEEN READING "EVERY MAN'S BATTLE" BY FRED STOEKER. IT REALLY DOES HELP. I'M GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS OF BREAKING THE "PEEKING" HABIT WITH MY EYES. 
"Also reminds me of a kid putting his toe on the boundary line and looking back at his parents.. like.. "see? I am not over the line!"... while the safest place to be is well behind the line. See what I mean?"
I SEE EXACTLY. LIKE I STATED ABOVE IT SEEMS TO BRING ME CLOSER TO HER WHILE WE'RE SEPARATED. I WON'T TURN TO THE SMUT ANYMORE -- ONLY MY WIFE.
Last edited on Tue Mar 27th, 2007 08:44 pm by Brian Angels
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Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 10:37 pm |
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Just as a thought, I thought truthseeker's questions were pretty profound. You wrote,
"For your second question, when she first found out about my problems, she wanted me to use images of her instead of pornography."
I have read a number of women saying that they did this, and that they now regret it. They were doing things that made them uncomfortable when they made the pictures, but they felt they needed to do them to please their husbands. Now that they see their husbands eaten up by porn and by objectification, it makes them sick to be part of that process. To me, truthseeker's concerns seem legitimate still.
A possible course of action would be to ask your wife if she is still comfortable with you using her body visually for masturbation even though she has removed her body physically. Myself, I think I'd be uncomfortable even asking that question, which would give me an answer about whether it was OK. So I guess my answer might be that if she gives her free and unconstrained and enthusiastic permission now, not in the past, then I don't understand, but that's your business and hers. If not, then isn't the moral and loving course is to respect her rights over her own body?
What would happen if you mailed her all the images of her and asked her to send you back the ones she wanted you to use to masturbate with?
Tim M.
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Jrry
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 03:37 am |
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It might be wise to consider a sexual "fast" from all forms of sexual activity. This will allow your body to detoxify and give you a sense of confidence that you can live without sex.
No man (or woman) had died from lack of sex.
However, many of us do have a desire for healthy touch, companionship, conversation, nurturing, etc. Unfortunately, Satan is using sex to reach into our heart's deepest need and give us temporary satisfaction.
Your counselor and you need to develop a therapy that will reveal your greatest needs and find healthy ways to meet that need.
God bless,
Jerry
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Jerry, Facilitator for Faithful & True
Celebrating 10 years of Support Groups in Jacksonville
http://www.southpointbaptist.org/psalm51.htm
(904) 443-0246 [recorded message]
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 04:07 am |
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Tim, I like your questions as well.
Brian, you said yourself, "She doesn't like the fact I'm
doing this and feels she is a substitute for porn. To a point, yes, the picture are but they stimulate me and they are of her, not porn stars."
That sounds to me like her most recent position on the subject, one that needs to be respected in order to begin rebuilding trust with her. The only other option is to continue as you are, tell her and keep distance for the lack of respect for her feelings, or lie to her, which is what got you where you are now. If I were you, I'd see if I could find a picture of her on your wedding day, as your beautiful, fully clothed bride, and make a list of all the non-sexual things you love about her. She needs to feel that she is the love of your heart first. The love of the loins can wait. I don't, as a woman, have any idea what to suggest you do about the "feeling", (perhaps some guys can help with thath,) but if you are still intent on M, it's not remotely worth it if your mere thoughts of her are not enough. It is my understanding that if you ignore the "feeling" long enough that God prepared a way for excess seminal production to be dealt with during sleep.
Have the two of you discussed dating? Or what circumstances, if any, would result in your reunion?
I hope you can understand that while we may seem a bit tough on you about this, that our greatest desire is, in the course of time, to see the two of you reunited in a joyous, Godly marriage that will withstand the test of a lifetime.
Continuing to pray...
TruthSeeker
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 06:07 am |
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Thank you.
I asked her tonight if she would go out to dinner with me this week to start slow but she said no. 
I don't know what to do, I am so lost and empty without her. I could kill myself for the pain I caused her with my addiction.
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 06:35 am |
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Hi Brian,
I do not know the pain from your side, but remember my husband going through a period I have thought of as self-loathing. I hope, like him, you are not actually thinking of ending your life, indeed I pray not, but feel that you have made your life worthless by having hurt her. You are definitely not the only man to have felt this way. Are you familiar with the serenity prayer, about accepting the things you cannot change, having strength to change that which you can, and the wisdom to know the difference? You know that you are making changes, praise God, and have asked both God's and your wife's forgiveness. What you cannot change are the past, and your wife's responses to you. Ideally, we should be individually whole before joining with another in marriage, but when this has not happened, especially under a circumstance such as separation, it is important to seek wholeness in and with God, asking Him to fill that emptiness with His love. I would imagine that you are scared to death that she may not choose to get back together, though I pray that is not the case. I am praying that God will give you peace about the future, whatever it holds.
TruthSeeker
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mike
Administrator
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 05:51 pm |
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Brian, whether you're masturbating to a picture of your wife or another, the simple truth is that you're having sex with yourself. I would suggest that "feeling close to her" while looking at pictures is an illusion of your own making, because the truth is, as you've said when she didn't want to go out with you, that your wife is far away from you emotionally.
Masturbation causes emotional and spiritual blindness and self and sex absorption. It keeps us in the fantasy world and out of realm of reality.
Masturbating to any pictures, whether to your wife or another person, is far more harmful to you than any good (?) it might cause. If your primary goal in life is to be filled with God's love, peace and joy, then all idols of sex must come off the altar.
What happens when we do this is that we start to feel all the pain we've avoided in life and used sex/lust to medicate. The good news is that the Lord can minister to us to a greater depth in that place.
Let Him have you and your wife, and invite the Lord to reveal anything that's between you and Him, so He can remove it and bless you with the joy and peace of His Presence. Who knows, maybe God's waiting for the time when He has your full attention before He does anything in your marriage.
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