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Brian Angels
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| Joined: | Mon Mar 26th, 2007 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 04:08 am |
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Hello all,
My name is Brian and I'm a 29 year old married man -- actually separated now. I am a financial advisor, live back with my mother and on the path to reconcile my marriage. My problem is, my wife lost all trust and hope in me because I'm addicted to internet pornography. I was never big into magazines or even VHS porn videos but the trap of internet porn and the "audition style" videos.
Here's a little background on what happened. Back in April, my wife (then fiance) found some sex videos of an ex-girlfriend I put on CD-ROM and she also found my porn collection, which was about 15 discs. It literally made her throw up in my bathroom. I was at work and she was at my place doing school work. Well, things really hit the fan and we decided to postpone our wedding for a year but then a week later decided to go ahead with our September wedding. Everything was good (so she thought) until about a month into our marriage, when she was on my laptop at our apartment and found porn sites in my "History folder" and some porn movies I downloaded. I watched her cry all night about how the porn made her feel insecure and that I shouldn't look at anyone else but her (and she's right). Well, when she went to bed, I went back on the computer and looked at smut. She found out the next day and what I did and was devastated. I have no explanation for that except that I have a serious problem with pornography. My wife is absolutely beautiful, so looks and attraction have nothing to do with it. She is a good Christian girl. My problem was, I didn't see what seh saw or the reasoning behind it (but now I can see clearly how it hurt her.)
This kind of activity and situations went on for about 3 more months but then she got so sick of finding stuff on my computer she asked me to leave. I agreed but I left for only a day because I told her she was more important than pornography and that I'd stop looking at it. Well that lasted for a little while but then I went back to sneaking porn from my computer at my parents house and "smuggled" it back to the apartment via jumpdrive. She'd go to bed and I'd watch porn and masturbate. I just told her tonight that I took my wedding ring off everytime I did it. She had her last take of my addiction at the end of January and i agreed to leave February 1st. I've been at my mother's house ever since. My father just passed away Jan 16th so I agreed to come back home to keep my mother company.
Here is what forced me to seek change and the help of my Pastor who married us. Two weeks ago I got in an argument with my wife on the phone and she hung up on me. Long story short, I kept calling and calling and left some threatening messages. Later that night I was served with a temporary restraining order. It was ruled in my favor last week that I was no threat to my wife. But during those 12 days of being without contact with my wife, something happened where I was able to do some deep soul searching and crying everyday for hours at a time. It's like I had a revelation where I am going to do everything in my power to save myself and my marriage. The past 10 years of my life I was a monster -- a really nice guy who is addicted to porn.
Problem is, my wife doesn't believe my sincerity to change and lost all trust in me because I constantly betrayed her with my eyes. I can be honest and say I haven't looked at porn since March 10th or 11th, nor do I want to. I want to reconcile with my wife and be a true Christian husband now. I was never into religion but have a deep desire to save us. I don't want to get a divorce. I thought of suicide a few times during the restraining order. Knowing I hurt her that much killed me. I tried telling her how sorry I am and will never again betray her with pornography. I now go to prayer group on Tuesdays and talk with my pastor frequently. Will sex addicts anonymous help or should I seek professional help in addition to my pastor?
How do I rebuild her trust and show her how sincere I am with changing. I already renounced porn and threw my entire collection off a bridge into the river. As I threw it, I said "porn is not worth ruining my marriage." I know it wasn't environmentally responsible but I had to do it.
Please help
Last edited on Tue Mar 27th, 2007 04:20 am by Brian Angels
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 05:34 am |
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Hi Brian,
It sounds like you have hit that rock bottom that is necessary to start working your way out. Don't "get religious." Relinquish all control of your life to Jesus Christ. That does not mean you don't have hard work ahead of you. It certainly won't hurt to at least start with counselling and SAA. Immersing yourself in recovery and God's Word are your best hope for your marriage. If, for any reason, she doesn't take you back, remember that you want to do this for yourself too. I hope she has a girlfriend or family member with whom she can share this struggle. Each successive lie is likely to increase the defensive wall around a woman's heart exponentially. It varies for each woman, and is often lessened by God's grace, but is otherwise only disassembled slowly and delicately over time. I hope that you have read all of the articles and newsletters on this site, and that they have helped you start to explore the roots of your addiction, because, no matter how difficult and painful, you will need to deal with them in order to heal.
Praying for you both...
TruthSeeker
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henny
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 03:36 pm |
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Brian Angels,
Here's the problem, friend. You've had this change of heart and want it all better. You want things back the way they were. You screwed up and now you want your wife to forgive you and make it all go away.
Well, time to grow up. You're 29 and back living with your mother and want your wife to behave like most mother's do....instant fogiveness, kiss the boo boo, all better. It's not like that in real life.
You have wounded your wife in a way you may never comprehend, unless you catch her in the arms of another man. In her eyes, that is what happened to her. You were in the arms of another woman. That pain doesn't go away easily, and the wounds don't heal quickly...if ever.
And don't expect Jesus to mother you either. You can be forgiven, but that doesn't mean there aren't consequences to your actions. You may have lost your marriage. And all the crying and moaning and carrying on isn't going to do one bit of good.
As truthseeker says, and she brings a lot of wisdom and understanding here, this healing is for your benefit, too. You will be a better man. And that is what you need to focus on. If God wants to restore your marriage, and your wife agrees, it will happen. But it may not.
By the way, I am a man, a sex addict, and in recovery. This isn't easy. But it is worth it.
God bless you as you try to reclaim your life.
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 03:54 pm |
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truthseeker wrote: It certainly won't hurt to at least start with counselling and SAA. Immersing yourself in recovery and God's Word are your best hope for your marriage.
Thank you, Truthseeker. That is what I am doing now. I stated this morning in prayer group that I was instantly delivered from pornography due to my rude awakeing and seeing the ramifications. I'm seeking help with the pastor, prayer and looking in counseling for anger management and sex addiction as well so this never happens again. Truthseeker, I see you are from NJ, so am I. Can you tell me where I can find an SAA group meeting in the Princeton, Hamilton area?
Henny, I agree and I do take full responsibility for my actions. I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. Knowng I possibly ruined my marriage is my consequence -- the deepression is overwhelming but believe it or not, the prayer and hearing people pray for my wife and I out loud really helps. It's now just one day at a time to prove my sincerity and truth.
Have you read "Every Man's Battle"? It's reassuring to know that I am not a porn freak or a pervert but fell in the traps of lust and the way of today's world. Henny, thinking of my wife with another man actually sickens me but my eyes were closed to the fact of how I was "cheating." Now I can see and know I was cheating with my eyes and for that I am now paying the price.
Last edited on Tue Mar 27th, 2007 03:56 pm by Brian Angels
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 05:24 pm |
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Hi Brian,
Unfortunately, I am in a different part of the state, so your best bet would be to check online, the phonebook, or with your pastor.
Praise God for the work He is already doing in your heart and life. I am praying that he will help you both through this incredible struggle so early in marriage. As time goes on, I would urge you to get some good books about what christian marriage is supposed to look like so the two of you can start over with God in his proprer place, and build a beautiful and joyful intimate relationship.
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 05:25 pm |
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SAA is at http://sexaa.org
You might also try
SLAA: http://slaafws.org
SA: http://sa.org
SCA: http://sca-recovery.org
Look for the meetings lists. If you don't have anything very near by, then call the nearest couple of meetings and see if they know anything nearer.
Tim M.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 05:40 pm |
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This looks like an umbrella site that will connect you with those Tim has given, and has a lot of information to consider.
http://www.saahelp.com/Recovery/12_Step_programs/12_step_groups_and_programs_main_page.htm
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Jrry
Member
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 03:30 am |
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Brian,
My heart aches for you and your bride.
I think many of us fall into a false sense of being able to overcome sexual sin with will power. I compare competeting with sexual sin like trying to play Michael Jordan "one v one". You can not do it alone. However, if you particpate in 12step groups, get a counselor that specilizes in sex addiction, continue to read books like "EMB", immerse yourself in God's Holy Word, develope honest transparent friendships, you will gain some victory. Then it will be like you and four others playing MJ!!!
God bless,
Jerry
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Jerry, Facilitator for Faithful & True
Celebrating 10 years of Support Groups in Jacksonville
http://www.southpointbaptist.org/psalm51.htm
(904) 443-0246 [recorded message]
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