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holdsworth
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 12:37 pm |
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well....
Its too difficult to just switch it off!!. What I mean by this is that I have natural inbuilt desires within me to bond with one woman. I cannot just switch these desires off as they have been put within me. I will always be attracted to certain woman and this is totally natural.......but, and this is a big but, my attraction leading to lust is warped, it is not how it was intended to be. Single or not, It does not fill me or satisfy, so why do I return or am tempted to return?
I have found that as a result of lusting the thoughts and images are locked into my brain. Not one person on earth can fix this for me....not one.
They play on my most basic human desires and these are mighty powerful.
How does God fill this hole?. How does God satisfy my desires?.
Why does my body cry out for confort and to hold and be held?
Why, because I was made this way...but I have fallen into the trap of filling it with something else.
the world around me is trying to fill the hole with something else. The world around me is bombarding me with lust and making it tough to be a real man.
But I cannot get free as it tugs at me and pulls at me. It whispers in my ear and tells me that I need it to get through the day. It tells me I will not cope if I do not fantasise and seek comfort in the arms of a woman. It tells me that I am aloud to do what I like if I am single as long as it does not harm anyone else.
What am I saying here?. I am saying that I cannot do this. But I know that continuing every possible avenue of getting free is the only option. Life is so short. Too short to waste.
>Crying out to God telling him I am too weak
>asking him for even more resources
>asking him to help me with al the doubts and questions that arise when I read his word.
>trying to stay in the light
>getting back up
>Trying to ignoire the lies and listening to truth
>Telling JC about my difficulty with my lack of faith and doubts.
>Asking God to heal me of things that cause pain
>trying to be a good trustful friend to my friends and cutting the crap!
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 02:29 pm |
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Thanks for the heartfelt and honest share, holdsworth.
Could I ask a question about where you are heading now? Your summary at the bottom included all sorts of good things to bring you closer to God. What I didn't se there was much to draw you closer to other people. My own experience of addiction is that it is very centrally a state of isolation - isolation from God, but also isolation from other people and from myself. I feel I need to fight that isolation by developing new connections not only vertically with God, but also horizontally with others and with myself. So for me, honesty with the people around me and learning to make friends and to learn from fellow addicts in my 12 step groups are central pieces of my program, as is learning to know myself through counseling.
Is there also a horizontal component to your own recovery plan, or should there be?
I ask in part because for about 3 decades, I tried to recovery solely through prayer in isolation from other people; but for me, this didn't work. Until I could be honest and trusting enough with other people to be willing to reach out to those around me I could see, I could never be honest and trusting enough of God to find the beginnings of real faith and to allow Him to act in my life. And so I played at Christianity and played at repentance - all the while deeply believing I was doing all I could - and I just got worse.
For me, the horizontal and vertical components of recovery had to happen together in order for either to have effect. It really is not good for the man to be alone.
I wonder again how this horizontal aspect of finding trust and fellowship and honesty and openness with other humans comes into your plan, and if daring to do those things might open for you, as it has for me, the willingness to dare to trust God as well?
Apologies, of course, if your situation is different from mine. I can only share from my own experience.
Tim M.
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holdsworth
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 08:35 pm |
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Tim M
you are right, and like a typical guy I feel that I have needed to do it all on my own. Partly a reluctance to trust others and partly a stubborness that unless i do everything on my own I have failed in some way!. Thats not to say I don't have friends cos I do, but to let people close and to trust them.....thats a different matter. I need to step out more.
Is there also a horizontal component to your own recovery plan, or should there be?
There should be, but sometimes I just don't know how to do it more, God knows I have stepped out a lot already.
Gotta work on this.
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gaylon
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 10:22 pm |
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It is a long journey. Steps upward means progress...
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 11:33 pm |
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Thanks, holdsworth. A great honest, thoughtful reply. One step at a time. Do the next right thing.
Tim M.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 09:15 pm |
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Holdsworth, I think Tim's advice about "horizontal" and "vertical" is better than anything I can suggest. You've clearly got a lot of determination, perseverance and character to continue seeking God and I am sure you'll eventually overcome the sin in His strength. I pray that the Lord warms your heart to worship Him, at all times, and to seek His joy to fill you - a joy that surpasses anything - including attraction for the woman. Continuing prayers for you. Stephen
Last edited on Thu Jun 21st, 2007 10:16 pm by guitarist63
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