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johnny
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 06:17 am |
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I have been to a couple of SA groups and read most of the white book. My perversion lies in porn and masturbation online. About a decade ago I used to go to topless bars and even the occasional escort service. With great effort I have been able to curtail my acting out through masturbation to internet porn to about once a week. I would like to go all the way and completely be free of lust altogether. But I find my self resistant to going to meetings or calling someone. I find it easier just to give in and fight to stay clean another week. I geuss my beef with meetings is time and embarassment. I work full-time, run my own business and have a family so it leaves me with little free time to attend meetings. Plus I don't want to bee seen as weak or a pervert for going to meetings. Are there alternatives to meetings? I used to drink heavily and smoke pot about ten years ago too. But I've kicked both of those habits long ago without any tx. So I geuss I think I can beat this too if given the right tools. Am I foolish?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 06:31 am |
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Hi Johnny,
Some might use the word "foolish." At least some people seem to find sexual addictions more difficult to break than just about any other addiction. From your story, it sounds like this is the last one to go for you. Remember that the only other people at meetings are others in recovery, so they are not going to be sitting in judgment of you. They have either been where you are, are where you are, or might even be worse off than you are. How is this affecting your family? Does your wife know? Is faith helping you in your struggle? While there are online meetings that you will find as you read through more threads, it is the real-life isolation that truly needs to be broken. Have you explored the roots of your addiction, the pain/stress that you are attempting to numb/escape? Have you considered a christian counsellor who specializes in SA?
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 02:13 pm |
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Are there alternatives to meetings? Sure. There's what you're doing now, right?
Seriously (though for me that first line was also serious), I'm not sure if there are other ways out or not. For me and for many people, a lot of what addiction is about is isolation, and you can't beat isolation alone.
Also, I think it's important not to underplay the difficulty of recovery from SA. I know lots of people from my meetings who are alcoholics and/or drug addicts as well as sex addicts, and I'm not sure I've ever heard someone say they found it harder to get sober from alcohol or cocaine than from SA. For me and for them, it has really been important to treat SA just as seriously as one would treat a substance addiction. Currently for me, that includes attending a couple of meetings a week, each a little over an hour from where I live in the boonies, so that's maybe a 7 hour a week investment.
It's a lot, but it's probably less time than I used to spend acting out, which means you'd better believe it's worth it.
Just how things seem to me, of course.
Tim M.
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tallmike00
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 04:07 pm |
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Here is an alternate view from traditional 12 step thinking, but first you must be fully convinced in your own mind that masturbation is, indeed, wrong. (took me many years to finally conclude this myself)
Radical amputation: remove all sources of temptation from your life. If your computer is contributing to your sinful actions, you need to get a blocker installed and one which will block regular internet, newsgroups, and file sharing programs. If you want this to be effective, the 3rd R, which is coming, will help in this regard. Radical amputation is based on "if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. Better for your eye to go to hell than your whole body"
Radical appropriation: lay aside the old self and put on the new. Ephesians 4: 22-24 Get more involved in your church than what you may have been. Find ways to serve. Be selfless, not selfish. Set some goals on how you might do this. Think of others more than your own personal needs.
Radical Accountability: get at least 3 Christian men, to whom you will give account of each week of your life. You must call them once a week and tell them your answers to three questions: Have you looked at pornography in the last week? Have you had sex with anyone other than your wife including yourself? Are you lying to me?
I started with 3 accountability partners and then added two more so I now give a report to five men about my behavior. The idea of acting out and then telling so many multiple lies creates a significant barrier to the behavior. Also, one of these accountability partners can be the one who holds the password on your blocking program. In addition to a blocking program, there could also be something like a computer keystroke tracking program such as Spector Pro. If you uninstall the program, that is the same as admitting guilt over acting out. Accountabiliy to other Christian men is extremely important.
Along with the above guidelines, a non 12-step alternative would be to do the "Setting Captives Free" online course. I started in fall of 2005 but quit due to disagreeing with them over masturbation. (to my discredit)
I am one of the ones here who disagrees with traditional 12 step programs having to do with how the very first 12 steps originated, through "automatic writing" done by a guy who was involved in seances over the remainder of his life. These facts have been conveniently forgotten or ignored by most in the recovery group movement, but they are to be found in the book "Pass it On" the official biography of Bill Wilson. I have gone through the five day Biblical counseling program at Addicts Victorious in Quincy, Illinois and I have faith that Jesus Christ has given me deliverance from my pornography addiction. This is a 10 step, Biblically based, Christ centered ministry which offers hope. We can be free and free, indeed. With a traditional 12 step program, you will be told that your addictive behavior is a disease and you'll most likely be in recovery for the remainder of your life. It is a choice, albeit a sinful one. No one held a gun to my head or twisted my arm to look at porn. I sinfully chose. Now I choose otherwise through the sustaining power of the Holy Spirit working in my life and this is to God's glory.
Take a look at the thread of 30 year marriage on the rocks. You need not accept an erroneous conviction that you will be a recovering sex addict forever. What is in the past is in the past. Your sins have been born by our loving Savior, Jesus Christ. The only way your past might be affecting you is if you have carried a grudge or resentment from the past right into the present or if there is unforgiven sin remaining. If you are holding onto any resentment and not fogiving whomever needs forgiveness, you are providing a foothold to Satan. Forgive others and ask forgiveness for yourself from anyone you have sinned against. Live for Jesus Christ now and going forward. Get solidly locked in with a church and faithfully attend. Go more than once a week if possible. Find ways of having your own ministry in service to God's kingdom. There are two entities within you and they both can be strong so depending upon which you are feeding, then the strongest entity will overpower the other. Those entities are the flesh and the Spirit. Which will you feed? If you want to feed the Spirit, set aside some time in each day to read God's Word.
There truly is hope and I pray that God will sustain you in this hope and that He will move you forward into His rest and freedom from the sinful behavior. I have a number of resources of help for Christians apart from 12 step methods. Here is one:
http://home.comcast.net/~mnccounselor/ Derek wrote a 10 week course on leaving behind pornography/masturbation/impurity. There is also http://www.purelifeministries.org Steve Gallagher, in his book "At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry" advises staying with Bible based counseling and away from secular 12 step groups.
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johnny
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 07:12 pm |
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I appreciate your response. Yes my wife knows. I saw a Christian counselor who encouraged me to tell her I was looking at porn. It was the hardest thing I ever did but thankfully I have a great wife. She supported me when I decided to go to a couple of meetings. Yes this is the last addiciton to go. And I think it it the most dangerous. No one can see it. I don't have a cigarette hanging from my lips or a beer bottle in my hand. I don't think that people at the meetings will think I'm weird. I'm a very social guy, heavily involved in business, church and family. Someone is going to ask where does John go every thursday at 7. I geuss I am just not ready for that. But I know that if my friend's ever found out that I look at porn they would think even less of me. I will try to check out some online meetings.
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johnny
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 07:26 pm |
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I really like your reply. It sounds like something I could do. With Pot, ETOH and nicotine I quit by amputating almost ever friend I had. I have put limitations on when I use the computer. I run a business online so getting rid of it altogether is impossible. But I try not to use it at night when I am most vulnerable. I have also taken steps to appropriate my life more to Christ. I work very hard with the church I attend and feel the only serious blight on my walk with God is looking at porn or lusting. I do have christian friends that I would feel comfortable talking about this to. I can think of one already who I have confided in before. I know I could sure call him daily if needed. I think this would really help me. If I could only work up the courage to do this. I took a drug abuse course in grad school and learned numerous ways to treat substance use outside of 12 step groups. I have to believe there other ways to beat sexual addiciton too. I beat substance use w/o 12 stepping. I just don't think its for me. I don't think this does not mean I am sincere about quitting. I just think that maybe while the addiciton is the same there are different way to oversomce it. I so appreciate you reply. I appreciate all your replies and your prayers.
While I am typing I must confess a sin. This morning while in a meeting at work I lusted breifly over a co-worker wearing a low cut blouse. I also had sexual thoughts this morning about a former client. On both occcasions I was able to quickly redirect my mind and my eyes. I have not acted out in about a week. Please pray for me while I continue to try and choose the right over the wrong.
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tallmike00
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 08:11 pm |
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If you have lustful thoughts, use a two second rule and identify them for what they are. Then bind them and turn them over to Jesus. Take every thought captive to obedience of Christ. 2nd Corinthians 10:5
Try to be open enough with Christian brothers to recruit 3 of them to be accountability partners for you and then, without fail, call them at least once a week to report on how you are doing. Having this accountability builds a pretty solid wall against acting out behavior.
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johnny
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 09:31 pm |
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| thanks tall mike
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 11:24 pm |
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Tallmike, your "10 step" advice is helping me too. If Christians (and obviously this doesn't apply exclusively to all the members here) we've got to realize that there's a cost to following Jesus. We're not here to enjoy ourselves (as the motive for living) but to serve the living God. Guitarist63
Last edited on Thu Jun 21st, 2007 10:03 pm by guitarist63
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johnny
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 04:12 am |
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| I have been having a pretty good day today. I did have one moment of strong lustful feelings. I was looking online for photography books. ON the cover of one book was a nearly naked lady. I really had a hard time looking away. IN fact I looked longer than I should have. I really wanted to act out but by god's grace I haven't yet. Please continue to pray for me. Johnny
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