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gaylon
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 11:48 pm |
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With all the suggesting I do about going to 12-step groups, I have never been to one. I work most nights, so that's been my excuse. However, I have just gotten a 12-step group (called Addiction Recovery Program) (1 each for pornography, and 1 for all other addictions) started for our church in our city, sponsored by our Family Services national organization. I don't have a direct role -- we have a group leader, and a facilitator for each group, who have experience with 12-step groups. Very few people know that I am in porn addiction recovery, least of all anyone else who might show up. This is a problem I've talked about elsewhere on the forum, that I'm still not sure how I'll handle, since I've been asked by our leadership to keep that information confidential.
It starts in 1-1/2 hours, and I'm feeling like a deer in the headlites. Especially when my wife is encouraging me to go - to me it feels like she's telling me that I'm an idiot, and need to go to idiot school. I know she loves me, but it still feels that way. Almost every counseling session I had, especially the first 6 or 8 sessions, I felt like that -- like a freak, and my impulse was to jump out of the car and run fast the other direction. This is how I'm feeling now, and I don't know if I'll even be able to get myself to go.
Did anyone else feel that way - like a freak - at their first meeting(s)? If so, does the feeling go away after a while? I've seen that some guys pretty much swear by the benefits, and others aren't so enthusiastic. Maybe depends on the people leading and attending...
Right now, I'm starting to feel the "fight-or-flight" reaction, and it ain't fun...
--- Gaylon V.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 12:11 am |
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Gaylon. Praying for you that you'll get over the feeling of exposure (to the lights) and contribute and receive benefit from the 12-step program. I haven't been on one myself. I don't know if such a program exists here in England. Stephen
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 12:31 pm |
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Gaylon,
So how did it go? Did you make it to the meeting?
What you describe is pretty typical of a first meeting, especially in something as shameful as SA. One of my friends talks about getting as far as the parking lot and sitting in his car outside a couple of meetings before finally managing to get through the door. Actually, he was the person I talked to on the phone before attending my first SAA meeting, and because of his own experience, he offered to meet me at a restaurant and walk me to the meeting if that would make it easier to attend. I declined, saying that after the phone call, I didn't think the meeting would be impossible; but it's still very daunting for lots of people. I expect that if you got on the phone you could arrange to have someone walk into the meeting with you if that made it easier.
Does it get easier? Sure. We're all there for the same reason. I miss my friends when I'm unable to be at meetings, and I go back with joy.
Now, my situation's a little different from yours, since I live out in the country and have to drive a little over an hour into another state to get to meetings. I don't expect to run into friends and neighbors there. I did once meet outside an SAA meeting a person who had begun attending my church and with whom I sing every week. He was doing some work in the church where SAA met, and I suspect he knew full well where I was going. We smiled and said hi, and he hasn't said more about the event; but I was deeply touched when not too long after he asked me to be his sponsor as he entered into the church. There is more support out there than we think.
And guitarist63, there are S fellowship meetings in the UK, though of course not as many as in the US. If you're interested, go to the web sites for Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, and Sexaholics Anonymous and find the meeting lists. Once you find a meeting close by, you can phone ths contact person and see if there are other meetings not on the web sites. Let me know if you have problems.
Tim M.
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gaylon
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 06:34 pm |
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I did go, but it was a close call - still deciding with 5 minutes to go... I appreciate the thoughts and prayers from you all (or, "y'all", since I'm from the South). I was petrified, to tell the truth, and I did know the people there. The group leader thinks I was there in a 'leadership capacity', but I'm going to meet with him on Sunday and let him in on my situation. I've had suggestions to go, and only comment from a general perspective. I guess that would be better than not at all, but I really would rather be known to the group for "who I am". Anyway, even though I was nervous at the meeting, afterwards I talked for a while with a younger guy (actually, I've known him since he was about 10), who has been in the local SAA 12-step group for several years, and it was very helpful. He now knows about my addiction, and I found a supportive and non-judgemental listening ear. So, it turned out good. I think it will be a hurdle for me to go again, but I intend to keep going to the meetings.
My wife made the comment "I wish there was something like that for wives of addicts". She continues to struggle, and I'm trying to talk her in to going back to counseling for a few sessions. Does anyone know of support groups for wives of addicts? She's afraid to post on this site, since, right now, she is generally afraid of men, except me (oddly enough), and doesn't want for men to read what she posts. She has very negative childhood and adolescent memories from her Dad, and struggles to overcome those feelings, and I've only made it worse for her. Any suggestions appreciated...
--- Gaylon V.
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Suzi
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 08:07 pm |
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Gaylon,
Your post was very touching. One of the biggest issues in my husband's recovery is the isolation caused by having no one to really "TALK" to. He has me... but our pastors pretty much keep everything so underwraps that there is no "support group" concept. For me, the internet has been my source of healing, through support groups.
If your wife would trust me enough, I would love to correspond to her by email. I have quite a few online support frends and it's opened up the door for me to work, one on one, with several women in our church who are also going through the same kinds of things.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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henny
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 08:15 pm |
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Gaylon,
I have been to a couple other 12 step programs and have come to recognize and appreciate their value for folks that are hurting. Too often we see everyone at church as somehow squeaky-clean and our (pride, shame, fear, pain,..whatever) keeps us from going there for help.
My wife and I struggled with the drug and alcohol addiction of our 26 year old daughter. We found no place to go inside our church. Luckily someone directed us to Al Anon and we found great wisdom and a place for healing there.
I don't know how available this would be for your wife, but this is a similar group devoted to people who are affected by someone else's sexual addiction.
http://www.sanon.org/
What we found most comforting at Al Anon was that everyone there was in the same boat. Whether it was a spouse, a child, a parent, a friend, everyone there was hurting because of a loved one's addiction. It may be that your wife can find the same kind of comfort we did.
I hope God will bless you and your wife as you seek healing.
In Christ,
Matt
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 08:36 pm |
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Gaylon,
Excellent!
http://coslaa.org/ and http://www.cosa-recovery.org/ are a couple of other links to the Alanon equivalents of SLAA and SAA, resp. Your wife might find them useful. There is also a fellowship, Recovering Couples Anonymous, that you could google and that might fit your needs. There might also be Alanon meetings she could attend, identifying herself generically as the wife of an addict. I don't know how open Alanon is to that sort of thing, but I have attended open AA meetings when I couldn't get to meetings of my own fellowship, and I have been welcomed.
I'm delighted you got to the meeting, and I'd encourage you to be open about why you are there. Otherwise, several things happen:
- You stay isolated and afraid. We're only as sick as our secrets, and this isn't good for you.
- You stifle discussion for the others in the room, who will share much more openly if they are only among other addicts. Most S fellowship meetings would only be open to addicts for this reason. So your presence there as an apparent non-addict subtly weakens the meeting for everyone.
- Since some people know you qualify, you'll end up looking dishonest to everyone, which is also not a good start. Much better to model good recovery behavior, which is really all the more important given your position.
Excellent that you made it, though! Great work!
Tim M.
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gaylon
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 11:09 pm |
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Thanks to all for the encouragement and advice. It is *such* a relief to come here, and get real help, rather than having to play the role of "answer man" for most of the people I'm around. As you can see, in this situation, I'm fairly short on answers, and long on needs and weakness, and it's been that way for so so many years, but without much recourse that I could ever see, until the last year ...
I'll check out the resources mentioned, and Suzi thanks for the offer, I'll ask my wife if she would like to correspond...
--- Gaylon V.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 11:25 pm |
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Thanks, Tim for the list of four websites for UK sex addicts. Stephen.
Last edited on Thu Jun 21st, 2007 10:45 pm by guitarist63
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