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Mark37
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Posted: Sun Mar 4th, 2007 10:18 pm |
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| No matter how many times I say I'm going to quit porn i end up going back to it eventually. I walk away with that same empty feeling every time I get desensitized from it. Its great at first and then becomes empty all over again. I am married and don't want to lose it. Your prayers are welcome. I have so much to give God and I keep blowing it.
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Mark37
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Posted: Sun Mar 4th, 2007 10:26 pm |
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| What happens is that I think I can just have a little bit. then it snowballs into a free fall of lust. I think that I can control it by loking at something fairly tame and then off I go. The hardcore stuff doesn't appeal to me anymore. The softcore Lesbian stuff does however and its the hardest habit to break. Even youtube has the softcore stuff. Its everywhere! I thought about getting rid of my computer as a last resort. I've had couseling read books and all that and in its own way it worked.........for awhile and then something triggers me off all over again.
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geeky_student
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 05:33 am |
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This is one of the traps many of us, including me have fell into (and sometimes still does as of 4 days ago)
Remember David? He looked at Bathsheba and committed adultery and murder. The devil tries to deceive us by saying that "it's just a little look" "you can quit anytime"
The thing is: you still sinned if you "just take a peek". It's like, oh i've only killed 10 people unlike that guy who killed 20. God looks at not the do-attitudes but the be-attitudes, remember that 
and I'm sure you have a loving and beautiful wife whom fake images cannot compete with because she's real
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 08:09 pm |
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Hi Mark37,
Have you been able to identify what types of things trigger your relapses? Identifying them is a start, followed by recognizing the trigger as a trigger as soon as it occurs, then developing strategies to handle the trigger differently. Sorry if this is redundant to what you have already done. Do not give up!
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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growingfaith
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 08:36 pm |
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| I second truthseeker's advice. I'd just like to add that sometimes our triggers are emotional in nature and we, as men, have a hard time recognizing that. Over many agonizing months of recovery I've slowly come to learn that many of my sex addiction behaviors were deeply rooted in my desire to get attention and accolades. I'd go to strip clubs and prostitutes because all strippers and prostitutes will say whatever it takes to get money. They would inflate my ego to the point that I'd forget the fact that I was paying them! The same with internet chatting and websites. I wanted women to tell me how attractive I was, how my wife should be taking better care of me - when the truth is my wife gives me GENUINE love and praise. But the evil one knows our sinful ways and pride is tops on my list.
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geeky_student
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 03:26 am |
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well, ego is something a lot of men struggle with (doesn't make it right).
Remember the book of Proverbs?
not exact wording: turn away from the honey dripping lips of the adultress and dont look at the eye of the wayward woman.
Don't listen to what the adultress says at all, she deceives and ensnares and don't look at the eyes of the adultress because that tempts and entices you to sin.
Stay clean everyone! 
God is with us!
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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Mark37
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 04:51 pm |
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truthseeker wrote: Hi Mark37,
Have you been able to identify what types of things trigger your relapses? Identifying them is a start, followed by recognizing the trigger as a trigger as soon as it occurs, then developing strategies to handle the trigger differently. Sorry if this is redundant to what you have already done. Do not give up!
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
One of the big ones is stress. When I'm stressed out about work or somethuing else I turn to porn. When I view a really sexy girl in everyday happenings that will do it too. I should turn to the Lord like my Daddy. When I got married I thought that would change things. I overcame my sexual insecurities with counseling and etc. and had a fulfilling sexual relationship with her. With time the old tapes started playing and i fell. I remember praying to God that if he gave me a wife I would never turn to porn again. The guilt was amazing. My wife is the ONLY woman I have ever had intercourse with. Commiting adultry is not the answer. Sometimes to the everyday boredom of life takes hold and I seek to excite the old neurotransmitters. I really have no excuses. The bottom line is we all have to be true to ourselves and really want to PERMANENTLY stop. There is no hope if you do not start with that attitude. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to pray and read my post.
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Mark37
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 04:58 pm |
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| Your posts really give me accountability by the way and I have been free for the last 2 days. What has helped me in the past and I am turning to it again is. What will I feel like after I do this thing? How will it affect me and my loved ones? When I'm especially horny and porn enters my mind I can shut off God (not a good idea) and look at it with out of control abandon. After I masturbate and excitedness subsides. I look at my computer monitor and say WTF am I doing? When the sexual release is over I wonder how in the world could I have done this again? What was I thinking? What do i have now that benefitted me?
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henny
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 05:55 pm |
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Mark,
I always recommend this site and I recommend it to you.
http://www.drjudithreisman.com/archives/2005/12/senate_subcommi.html
It is testimony on pornogrpahy addiction in front of a select U.S. Senate Subcommitee and says in part:
"It may seem surprising that, at this juncture, I should speak of "chemicals," when one might be thinking instead of "sex." But, in fact, modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction: Only the delivery system is different, and the sequence of steps. That is why heroin addicts in particular give up sex and routinely compare their "rushes" to "orgasms."
The pornography addict soon forgets about everything and everyone else in favor of an ever more elusive sexual jolt. He will eventually be able to find it only among other "junkies" like himself, and he will place at risk his career, his friends, his family. He will indulge his habit anywhere and everywhere, at any time. No one, no matter how highly placed, is immune. And like all other addicts, the pornography addict will lie to cover it up, heedless of risk or cost to himself or to others."
Every addict here knows exactly how you feel. There is this zombie-like quality to acting out. "I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not".....and then we do it.
If you will go to the web site above and read this testimony I believe it will give you greater insight into the nature of your addiction. And I believe any time we gain knowledge we gain power, through the Holy Spirit. Our bodies are mysterious. Things happen beyond our ability to control them. That is where God comes in.
I also recommend http://www.shelleylubben.com Her testimony is so powerful. Read the article about the truth behind the fantasy of pornography. Listen to the heart of Jesus Christ crying out for the rescue of His daughters. Hear Shelley call out for those of us addicted to pornography to do everything in our power to stop participating in the destruction of these beautiful children of God.
Read her letter to pornography addicts. Realize how difficult it was for her to arrive at a place of healing. It took 8 years for God to cleanse and heal her!!! Eight years.
Then, ask the Holy Spirit to work this new knowledge and understanding into the renewing of your mind.
Health and healing, and most of all FREEDOM await.
God Bless you, my brother,
In Christ,
Matt
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1959
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 06:11 pm |
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| Henny is right on target! Check out http://www.shelleylubben.com . Her article about what the young ladies go through when doing a shoot has helped me to stay away from porn. When you look at the behind the scense, porn is really a sick reality. For me, that has been a tremendous help. Her whole website is a tremendous help! Check it out.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 12:48 am |
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Praying for you Mark37. You say you "have so much to give God" and my response to that is you could focus on other areas of your life for Him to have authority over - areas where you can see that God has already begun to bless you and make that a daily commitment (i.e. continually offer those areas of your life to God in prayer) and at the same time daily seek deliverance from the sin of "p". This is not to encourage you to avoid the problem but to suggest one positive way you can give to God, but not merely focusing on the problem. I think that when he sees you committing more of yourself to Him, He draws closer to you and the battle with this sin will be won quicker. It's easy to get discouraged when we continually fail and certainly coming to God straight away, after sinning, is better than to let it fester and even become forgotten in a catalogue of further sin. I believe He always provides an escape at every point of temptation and we need to keep turning to Him at the split-second or however long that moment might be when we are tempted. I am not very good at doing this when it comes to "m" which is my particular sin of relevance to this website (not the only sin by any means!). In my experience, the stages - temptation - desire - sin are swift and action has to be very quick if we are to avoid falling into it.
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Mark37
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Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 04:53 pm |
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henny wrote: Mark,
I always recommend this site and I recommend it to you.
http://www.drjudithreisman.com/archives/2005/12/senate_subcommi.html
It is testimony on pornogrpahy addiction in front of a select U.S. Senate Subcommitee and says in part:
"It may seem surprising that, at this juncture, I should speak of "chemicals," when one might be thinking instead of "sex." But, in fact, modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction: Only the delivery system is different, and the sequence of steps. That is why heroin addicts in particular give up sex and routinely compare their "rushes" to "orgasms."
The pornography addict soon forgets about everything and everyone else in favor of an ever more elusive sexual jolt. He will eventually be able to find it only among other "junkies" like himself, and he will place at risk his career, his friends, his family. He will indulge his habit anywhere and everywhere, at any time. No one, no matter how highly placed, is immune. And like all other addicts, the pornography addict will lie to cover it up, heedless of risk or cost to himself or to others."
Every addict here knows exactly how you feel. There is this zombie-like quality to acting out. "I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not".....and then we do it.
If you will go to the web site above and read this testimony I believe it will give you greater insight into the nature of your addiction. And I believe any time we gain knowledge we gain power, through the Holy Spirit. Our bodies are mysterious. Things happen beyond our ability to control them. That is where God comes in.
I also recommend http://www.shelleylubben.com Her testimony is so powerful. Read the article about the truth behind the fantasy of pornography. Listen to the heart of Jesus Christ crying out for the rescue of His daughters. Hear Shelley call out for those of us addicted to pornography to do everything in our power to stop participating in the destruction of these beautiful children of God.
Read her letter to pornography addicts. Realize how difficult it was for her to arrive at a place of healing. It took 8 years for God to cleanse and heal her!!! Eight years.
Then, ask the Holy Spirit to work this new knowledge and understanding into the renewing of your mind.
Health and healing, and most of all FREEDOM await.
God Bless you, my brother,
In Christ,
Matt
Your right on target with that. Porn is very much a pattern of abuse towards women. We are looking at someones daughter, sister, mother and etc. Its good to do exactly that. To personalize it. I remember about 13 years ago, it was new years eve, I was with family but feeling very lonely. I just broke up with someone which added to it. I got in my car and went to a private strip club where they strip and then shower with you in a stall. All the girls lined up when I came in and I chose the one I thought was the most attractive. We went into a room and started to talk. Conversation led what she wanted to do with her life and I could see in her eyes she wasn't into what her job was there. I just couldn't do it and slipped her a 100.00 bill and told her to use it for school. I came back a week or two later and told her I would pay for a semester of college if she left that place and got another job. She did. I paid it and she sent the transcripts later proving she went. That was much more fulfilling than getting wacked off in the shower no matter how lustfull it could have been. I hope she is a bank manager or something now.
I just need to stop whining and get my life straight. And for the other poster you are right. I need to focus on drawing close to God again. I left because I felt unworthy in His presense and suddenly I feel a wave of warmth with him wanting me again. I left he didn't. Being free of this addiction which i was in the past is the answer. It is horrible being controled by something this sinister. Lets think about the poor daughters of GOD that we are abusing in our minds.
Day 3. I looked at a couple of woman joggers without diverting my eyes. Instead of condemning myself I praised God for their beauty and left it at that. I was at my computer a few times and felt no unclean urges. I have too much to live for. My mother, wife and pets. I cannot commit adultry against the wife Gods gave.
I pray for all you guys daily. Your brother in Christ. Mark37.
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henny
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Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 05:22 pm |
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Mark37,
I have to run, but wanted to tell you, I like what I hear in your post. It sounds like the voice of determination, the voice of a man filled with the Holy Spirit. A true son of the Living God!!!
Walk in grace and peace, brother.
Your friend,
Matt
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Mark37
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Posted: Fri Mar 9th, 2007 04:18 pm |
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henny wrote: Mark37,
I have to run, but wanted to tell you, I like what I hear in your post. It sounds like the voice of determination, the voice of a man filled with the Holy Spirit. A true son of the Living God!!!
Walk in grace and peace, brother.
Your friend,
Matt
Thanks for the encouragement. Day 4. I looked again at a few women especially 2 in a restaurant I stopped at for lunch. Iwas able to divert my eyes but looked awhile longer than I should have. A few sexual fantasies popped in my head so I tried to think about something else. This is a real critical time for me. When my balls are filling up again and I have deprived my mind from most visual stimulus. I was on the computer again tonight but instead of doing a quick shred job on my cookies and etc. and deleting the history of my web pages when I heard my wife trudging down the steps to my basement office she only found me surfing ESPN.
Part of my problem I believe is that now that I am in my forties I feel a somewhat quiet desperation that I am missing out on the last chance to entertain young women, whether cyber or real ones. Another ploy of Satan to get me off focus again. Its really just an illusion, but a seemingly very real temptation. For the last year I have been surfing all the local websites looking for that one ultimate sexual experience with a ravishing young woman. I even had a few E-mail conversations with a couple of them who gave me the green light. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to call one and set up a meeting. I would even write down their number and bring my cellphone with me on the late night walks with my dog trying to convince myself to call. When it actually came down to it I couldn't do it. I am still fighting this urge. The more I surf porn and look at all those potential hookers and cyber porn the less attractive my wife seems to me even though she is 13 years younger than me and takes care of herself. There are times where I can't even get it up without fantasizing. This is a real crossroads, one that I cannot cross no matter what. It will spell the end.
Another thing I am on the watch for now is the illusion of losing my sexuality. I am pointing all fingers at me, but for you other guys listen. Whenever I stay away from porn and fantasies I eventually reach a point where the lustful desires rapidly dissipate. Once I get over this initial hump again this is what I have to watch out for. When the lust is gone it feels like my sexuality is gone with it. Its almost like I feel that I have to look at porn or other women to see if its still there. I have to keep telling myself that this it whats normal. Not to drool constantly, but to enjoy being free of a wired mind. This is when i think i can look at just a little. Something tame like a lingerie pic or something, just a little taste. this put me back where I am now. For me it has to be TOTAL abstinence. I was reading the book EVERY MANS BATTLE, which is very good by the way, but put it down when I started to fall again.
I am not losing my sexuality but am really feeling normal again.
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Mark37
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Posted: Sun Mar 11th, 2007 06:38 pm |
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Days 5 and 6. I picked up my wife from work and was waiting in the parking lot for her to come out. A woman walked out of a 7-11 who I could tell in my peripheral vision was very attractive and was walking towards my car. Instead of just turning away I cheated and waited until she was in front of my car and eyed her up and down. A very good day ruined! Thats OK I will get better. Had several fantasies pop in my head, but was able to divert to other things to make it stop. Its so easy to nuture and fertilize those thoughts sometimes isn't it? None of us here have problems with lust, porn, and sexual addiction because a gun is to our heads, or its just SOOOO! difficult that we just can't stop. We have it because we want it. there is no excuse for our behaviours. We fall because we want it. There is no reason other than that for me to be struggling right now. I am really ashamed of my behaviour. I am ashamed for rejecting my wife, being she is so loving and supportive of me in all aspects of my life.
We frequent a Mexican restaurant close by a few times a month. There is a waitress there that of late I just couldn't (wanted to) keep my eyes off of. Finally my wife said, "Do you her like so much?" You can't stop looking at her every time she walks by." Your so obvious." That stung and I felt ashamed.
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Mark37
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 07:27 pm |
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| Made it through 2 weeks with no internet porn. Am still struggling with diverting my eyes, but it is getting better. your prayers are working. Am not counting the days anymore as I feel that can lead to a fall. Its like, Wow look how long its been. If I fall again its OK, look how far I made it this time. This is it, no more! Why count when it is over. I had some rather bizarre sexual dreams lately. Its almost like Satan is implanting them in my mind to start up the engines again. Also as my mind is slowing down again I have to be cautious that I don't interperate that as a loss of sexuality. there have been times when I actually looked at porn because I thought I lost it and it was the only way to see if i indeed did.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 10:46 pm |
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Praying for you tonight, Mark. It's great news to hear you've had two weeks away from internet "p". God give you strength to keep on the straight. I took a side turn today and did the "m" and can't seem to manage more than eight days without. Regarding bizarre sexual dreams - I rarely get one myself so that's fortunate. I have never dreamt of any of the "p" that I viewed and that always amazes me. Blessings, Stephen.
Last edited on Tue Apr 17th, 2007 10:32 pm by guitarist63
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Mark37
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 03:19 am |
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guitarist63 wrote: Praying for you tonight, Mark. It's great news to hear you've had two weeks away from internet "p". God give you strength to keep on the straight. I took a side turn today and did the "m" and can't seem to manage more than eight days without. Regarding bizarre sexual dreams - I rarely get one myself so that's fortunate. I have never dreamt of any of the "p" that I viewed and that always amazes me. I did have one really gross dream to do with "m" which I had never had before. What I get up to in sexual dreams is (in my experience) a long way from what I would allow myself to do when awake! Actually, they are a physical impossibility! Blessings, Stephen.
As I am praying for you to. This forum has been a real blessing to me since I am actually using it now. Still can't believe that I left a long stint of sobriety behind, but that is in the past. As far as masturbation, before I was married and I was very deeply into porn I learned a technique that really helped me out tremendously. I am not endorsing it, but only share what helped me. When your mind is intrenched in porn you begin to associate sex (masturbation) with porn as one and the same. It brings the two together. Soon your whole thinking about sex is warped and there is alot of guilt and confusion. Sexual desires are seen as being something to be avoided. Strange how many church teachings condemn masturbation as some Draconian thing to be avoided at all cost. To put that kind of stress on someones mind is really Victorian. It is a natural part of growing up and expressing our sexuality. Yes it can be abused or be pursued in the wrong fashion with lustful thinking, it all depends what context it is pursued in. What I had to do is bring my sexuality back to a state of innocence. Since I always masturbated to porn it warped how I thought about sex. About every two weeks or so I would bring myself in the presense of the Lord and thank him for all the senses he gave me. The ability to see beautiful things, to hear lovely music, to taste delicious foods. Then I would move to my sexuality and thank him for it. That there was no need to come before him with guilt or shame about my sexuality, that it was beautiful and natural. With no lust or wrong intentions I would release my built up sexual tensions in this fashion. Combined with the help of a sex therapist and these type of ways of bringing my sexuality back to a state of innocence I left porn, got rid of my lust and married a lovely woman. It is all this that I went through that make me ashamed to have to start from scratch to avoid losing my marriage. Everything worked fine. It was me that blew it. I have nobody to blame but myself. I see how far God brought me and I want it back! This time it will be for good. We all have to search for the things that work for us. I can guarantee you one thing, if you are sincere he will bring the people in your life to help you.
This week is going pretty good. I actually am diverting my gaze faster than before. I still run fantasies through my mind, but i think I'm slowly getting a grip on it. I'm concentrating on my hobbies especially 2 beautiful Pekingese puppies from my dog and a national all time grandchampion. between that and training my German shepherd most of my post work time is spent in a constructive manner. I just have to keep telling myself that falling just isn't worth it anymore. I have a job that entails treating sick people out of the hospital and it gives me renewed strength to try to slowly minister to them again apart from working with them without feeling like a hypocrite. One thing I can tell you is that I never have deceived myself in this regard and know and acknowledge when I am doing something wrong. I have never sugar coated it. I hate to feel like a hypocrite.
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P2J
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 10:07 pm |
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Hi Mark37,
I'm just not sure what you mean by the words:
"I would release my built up sexual tensions in this fashion."
Are you saying that you merely verbally expressed gratitude to God for the innocence of your sexuality or are you saying that you practiced M while entertaining notions of innocence and gratitude?
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 10:32 pm |
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Thanks for your thoughtful reply, Mark. Glad to hear you're finding a lot of positive things to do - creative things - with your time, at work and leisure. Thanks for your prayers and continuing to pray for you. Stephen
Last edited on Tue Apr 17th, 2007 10:37 pm by guitarist63
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