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rosiemj
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 05:59 am |
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Hi all, I have been reading the posts here and see that many are trying to force themselves to stop feeling and acting out.
I feel it is like going on a diet. If you tell yourself that you cannot have certain things to eat that is exactly what you think about. The human condition does not like deprivation and if you force yourself to feel deprived by vowing off the sexual high and desires that it makes it worse.
I feel you have to relearn how to be in the world and make it part of a new healthier life style. Learn about intimacy and true love. Read about empathy of others and how to be a empathetic person.
Find ways to learn how to not be selfish and self centered. Learn to appreciate life and all the wonderful things that God has given us.
Teach yourself and reach out to those who have achieved these things and more. Just sitting in your home or where ever trying to abstain and white knuckle it will not change this for you as an addict.
I am broke up from but lived with a sex addict for almost 7 years. It was hell on earth. He isolated and gave up everything for this. I tried to get him to go do things and to do things together but he could not do anything without lusting over everyone and body parts.
He did not even try for the past 4 years to find ways to be in life. He robbed us both by not doing things to deal with this. Now he is gone and living far away doing God knows what in his addiction.
I hope you who suffer from this will find alternate ways to not make it so hard for yourselves in truly changing your lives. And get in touch with the sources of your addiction from childhood. God Bless Rose
Last edited on Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 06:04 am by rosiemj
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addictionbegone
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Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 09:50 pm |
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| Thank you for this note - I'm printing it out for reference - I'll try to take this advice
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 10:47 pm |
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Rosie, that's good advice but you have overlooked a sizeable group of people - namely, those disabled people with communication difficulties. Guitarist63
Last edited on Thu Jun 21st, 2007 10:51 pm by guitarist63
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gaylon
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Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 11:36 pm |
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Rosie - good reminders. I still have a long ways to go. Often my first thought, with serious stress, is some sexual behavior or the other. There's still a lot of "white-knuckling" that goes on for me. A phone call to my wife is usually the best safeguard for me, whether I talk about the temptation or not. I generally have a great life, but often feel no joy in it. Letting the feelings surface is proving to be a slow process, after 40+ years of mostly medicating in a fantasy world...
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rosiemj
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 03:17 pm |
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Hi gaylon, My fiance came home and we went to a 3 day retreat that proved to be so helpful to my fiance and I. He discovered that he uses sexual thoughts and feelings instead of dealing with how he is really feeling.
He learned that he does this because he does not know how to get his needs met in a productive loving way. And in his anger at me because he has expected way too much of me to meet his needs he lashes out and has used this to hurt me.
He uses this to cope instead of finding other ways to be okay in the world. But it does not work for him anymore and never really did. He has had a shift in how he really wants to feel and it comes into conflict with using sexual fantasy. The conflict causes him a great deal of distress that is making him taking action to deal with life on lifes terms.
So now after the retreat that gave us both such a new awareness he has knowledge to go with the desire to change how he is in his world. We have hope now in our relationship to be close now that he has tools to get a handle on how he is feeling.
Underneath the sexual thoughts are fears, insecurities and a longing to be loved amongst a mirade of other feelings each day that need to be felt and talked about and the key to not using sexual thoughts and acting out to stop those feelings.
If the feelings get dealt with a person can grow but if not a person stays stagnant and in pain. This just keeps the cycle going and a person virtually is in a living death.
Don't use feel. When you get the urge say a prayer of "please God do not let me use LET me FEEL." The urge to act out is your sign to know you have to look at what is going on for you. Make a friend to those urges that are telling you something is wrong and needs to be looked at. Like an alarm. Make friends with that instead of turning on it and acting out.
God bless Rose
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gaylon
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Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 05:32 am |
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Pretty much I despise having to feel things, especially unpleasant stuff, but lots of times I'm scared of feeling the good stuff. Don't know why, exactly, but I guess a lot of it goes back to the (lack of) intimacy issues from childhood, that I never did learn to deal with in any way but sexual. Your description of being in a "living death" hit's it on the head for how I very often 'feel' (or don't feel). Truthfully, I miss the porn highs, and, at the risk of being misunderstood, it has nothing to do with the people in the pictures, it has everything to do with the chemical high that soothes so well, if only for a brief time. I've even thought of trying cocaine as a substitute, but that's pretty stupid...
All that being said, I don't intend to go back to my old ways, and, I realize that what you're saying is right. My counselor spent a lot of time (and I spent a lot of money taking that time) saying pretty much the same things. Your comments helped bring it back into focus, though. And, I have been doing that. I accept the urge or desire to 'act out', then ask myself "why am I feeling this"? What legitimate need do I have, and how do I satisfy that need in a non-sexual way. I do it, but I really do not like it. I don't like the "talking things out", and don't like the associated emotions. I'm embarrassed and feel foolish every time I talk about it, even though my wife says it's "brave". I feels really idiotic to me. Maybe there will come a time when I enjoy it. I recognize, though, slow gains in personal strength, and in the relationship with my wife, so I'd have to judge that it's having a good effect. And, there is a strong element of personal satisfaction that comes from knowing that I'm doing better at being true to my wife, though I have a long ways to go in my 'thought life', and overall sexual integrity of my mind and heart. I don't feel that I'm personally worth the effort (which I know is scripturally incorrect), but I feel that my wife is worth my effort, and that will have to do for now...
Anyway, probably TMI, but it helps to get the words out, even though it makes me feel heavy anxiety just typing it. I'm grateful to have this forum to explore these thoughts (and feelings ;-), since I haven't found anywhere else where I can be as frank and open without being judged, except the times I can talk for a while with my wife. Thx to all. --- Gaylon V.
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rosiemj
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Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 11:19 pm |
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Hi Gaylon, Yes people use for than not feeling good but for experiencing good feelings that a person does not know what to do with because of never being taught or that may have been made to feel bad if you have good feelings or that was never apart of their life.
The high you get from porn is self induced by something that turns you on. You can find that high and more when you accept that it is okay to be intimate without feeling uncomfortable and to accept yourself and not have fear that others (your wife) accept you and that you are a good person who deserves to be loved.
As you do this and not be uncomfortable you can go further with the intimacy with your wife and enjoy pleasures with her with out the fear of intimacy that are beyond the beyond. This high will replace the high for porn and guess what you won't have the shame, torment and other God awful feelings that are the hangover from the porn high.
When you can achieve intimacy that goes to the greatest heights with a loving partner you will not want to use porn's high. Allow yourself to accept yourself and others and you will have a life that you could not have imagined. I promise you.
Build on all you are doing and you will see one day that the porn high is a distant nightmare. And if you keep telling yourself you are not worth anything your brain and consciousness will keep that going and affect your soul.
Did you know you can "fool" your consciousness by telling it anything you want to whether you believe it or not your body and mind will respond. Like if you keep telling yourself "I am worth it" I am this or that etc. Your mind, body and soul will repsond until you "catch up."
So self affirming words will work and help you in your quest to have a full life that you deserve. And your wife also deserves. God Bless Rose
Last edited on Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 11:22 pm by rosiemj
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gaylon
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Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 11:58 pm |
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Thanks for the great encouragement. I used to do positive affirmations all the time (years ago), but feel like I'm lying to myself when I do them now. I'll try again, though. I hope very much that you're right when you say "...you will have a life that you could not have imagined...". Right now it seems impossible, but I hope you're right. Thx...
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rosiemj
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Posted: Sat Mar 3rd, 2007 03:35 am |
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Hi Gaylon, I feel you have had something happen or many things that have happened that gave you thoughts of negative feelings about yourself and it is hard to change those into positive. And that it is hard for you to believe anything but what has been a habit.
Fears can push up and over anything good that we desire. My fiance and I went to a retreat this past week and one thing they taught over and over again was when we felt anger, which is a guise for fear, frustration, pain etc. to instead of avoiding those feelings to stop and examine what they are and why.
Also fear can push up and over our feelings of joy and happiness and we can sabotage those by negative reactions and behaviors.
And in turn to find healthy ways to overcome those feelings. One of them is to check in with your my partner and share how we are feeling. This helps to feel accepted for how I feel and in turn gives him an opportunity to give to me.
And by this process we can feel safe and able to fully enjoy who we are. And then in turn share ourselves in a very healthy way the way we truly want to. Intimacy is the biggest high going if done without fear. The happiness may also cause fears but those can be shared and overcome.
If you chose love instead of fear you will find that you become stronger and the need for unhealthy behaviors and feelings will disappear.
Be friends with your fears though as they are a sign to you to see what is going on inside that need to be looked at. And Gaylon don't be so hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with feelings. That is where it is at! God Bless Rosie
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gaylon
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Posted: Sun Mar 4th, 2007 07:59 pm |
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"...Intimacy is the biggest high going if done without fear..."
I have never thought about it in these terms, but it makes sense.
Can you give some info about this 3 day seminar? It sounds like it would be worth it to us to take the time to go to one...
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rosiemj
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Posted: Sun Mar 4th, 2007 10:42 pm |
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Hi Gaylon, Here is the website. It is here in Vermont. Located in Cabot, which is a beautiful place.
http://www.marriagequest.org/index.html
People come here from all over the world as you will read. This site also talks about intimacy. Check out all the links and the things at the top of the pages to read. It is a real nice place and is worth it.
This couple does it for three days with just you and your partner. So you can concentrate on you and your partner. Also they do not believe in the word "addiction" and by treating the sexual problems that way it is like a miracle to looking at your problem with this.
Their phone number is on the bottom of the page. You can ask Isreal about the things you want to work on over the phone and feel this out for what you are looking for.
I feel because you are working so hard to deal with what you are going through and the willingness of your spirit is so great that you will feel like you have found a miracle for your life.
Also they book out a few months but when I called I told them it was a crisis and they got us in. They do sessions from Mon to Wed or Fri to Sun. The first day is 10-2 the second 10-1 and the third 10-12.
You have to push for what you want them to help you with a bit because they focus more on you talking to each other in that you talk and get feed back and vise versa. We started to feel that it was not enough and had to tell them we needed more from them. So they did and it was great.
So know what you need and want for you and your partner when you go there and push for it and they do come through. God bless you and let me know how you turn out with checking into this and what you think.
Your wife is a lucky lady that you are working so hard and that it means a lot to you to find a way for both of you to have a full life. First though and foremost it has to be for YOU. And when you start to be okay in your own skin then you can achieve so much that you never dreamed of.
Also when my partner was talking about his use of sexualizing women the counselor told him to stop when he saw a woman and think of what he is feeling. And to go into himself and examine that. So my partner did and realized he felt anger and then fear. So the counselor told him to talk about those fears. And my partner said he felt that his needs were not being met.
The need to feel loved, heard and to have his feelings validated. So this made him angry and it made him uncomfortable to feel like this so he lashed out at others. And the sexual high got him out of the feeling vunerable and gave him some kind of control and power.
But soon after the high and climax he felt empty and more vunerable without any satisfaction at all. And in turn it made life worse and worse as time has gone on.
So now it does not work for him. So because of this he is searching for an answer to deal with his feelings differently and to get those needs met in a healthy way. And that means being willing to stop and examine feelings instead of ignoring them with a high that does not work and is unhealthy and self defeating.
And the counselor told my partner that instead of using when this is happening to bring it home to me and share it. And that he would find that this kind of sharing and intimacy is where the two of us can come together and have the high that comes from intimacy. IN-TO-ME-SEE. It is scary but worth every ounce of fear. Make friends with the fear and you start to find the key to your pain.
Drink the pain like a bitter potion that heals the sick self...God Bless Rosie
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 07:48 pm |
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Hi Rose,
I am rejoicing with you for the new hope you have found. I pray that your fiance will not turn from the hard work he has begun.
Gaylon, I am praying for you as well.
TruthSeeker
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rosiemj
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 11:35 pm |
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Hi Truthseeker, I appreciate your regards to me and my fiance. He is doing extremely well and getting in touch so deeply to himself and our relationship that makes me so proud and grateful of him.
I feel the secret is in not paying attention to the label of "sex addict." I feel it puts pressure on one to live up to the label instead of being able to focus on the underlying feelings that need to be dealt with and not have a label to make one feel like they are some kind of leper.
Thank you and Take care, Hey Gaylon How are you? Rosie
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gaylon
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 11:55 pm |
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Thanks for the info on the seminars. Actually, we just remembered that there is a man who does "marriage intensives" in our area, so we're thinking we'll check with him... Very good thoughts...
--- Gaylon V.
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rosiemj
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 01:46 am |
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Hi Gaylon, I am so glad you are willing to do this! I can feel your strength and integrity in all this. How you are feeling and what you do with it is only wrong if you do not recognize what it is doing to your life and make honest efforts to change it. The acknowledgement and action can rectify the worst situations with amazing results!
God bless you dear soul and keep up the great work. Rosie
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rosiemj
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 02:09 am |
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Hi Gaylon, Here is a nice write up:
http://capeverde-islands.com/Awakening.html God bless you and your wife, Rosie
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