| Author | Post |
|---|
rosiemj
Member
| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 26 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Wed Feb 21st, 2007 09:48 pm |
|
Hi all, I am an ex fiance of a sex addict who is in huge denial. We had been together for almost 7 horrible years. He left a billion times and tortured me to no end telling me vile things that he fantasized about other women, teenage girls and boys and little boys and girls. He lost a 24 year career because of it and ended up sitting in my home for almost 4 years with the lap top 24/7 in his chair.
It is a nightmare to deal with someone who has this and kills everything good and decent that means something in life. We could have had the world but he blew it up with this sex addiction. It is extremely painful for me and I have no hope at all so I have to let him go.........
I read this and wanted to ask how come you fight this addiction and do not find the sources of it for yourselves and deal with that. For instance were you molested or was love withheld or were you abused either sexually, physically or both? I read posts of you all struggling not to think or behave sexually but no one speaks about the source of their dis-ease.
It is a dis-ease.....in other words you are not at ease sexaully and there is a reason for it. Please let me know what if anything you are doing to take care of that part. I feel it is the key and this daily struggle would be much easier if you found the sources of your addiction. God bless you all, Rosie
"Sex addiction is like heart disease. The deepest recesses of a hurting and empty
heart are choked with sin, shame and distorted beliefs, blocking the flow of
life to the heart. The continual use of sex addiction to medicate the pain only
corrupts, hardens and closes off the heart even more.
Buried underneath the sexual acting out is a hurting heart that yearns for love
and acceptance. In the deepest core of his heart the sex addict believes he is
of little value and cannot be accepted or loved. The shame from acting out only
reinforces his feelings of hopeless inadequacy.
Sadly, we are often taught by our earthly fathers that we are of little
worth by their neglect, unspoken love or abuse. James Bryan Smith, author of the
book “Rich Mullins, an arrow pointing to Heaven” writes “when a father’s love is
withheld, a child will struggle with issues ranging from shyness and insecurity
to a profound and crippling shame over his or her very existence. There is one
thing true of all of us: we are dying to be loved. We crave it, we search for
it, and if we never find it we die spiritually. Love is our deepest reason for
existence.” What many sex addicts don’t see is that they’re using lust to
comfort themselves from the belief that they can’t be loved as they are. This
lie, which was born in hell, must be aligned with the Truth"
|
TimM
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 03:18 pm |
|
I'm trying hard to take a break here, but I just want to thank you in one sentence for a very gentle and extremely thoughtful post.
Tim M.
Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 04:46 pm by
|
xyyz
Member
| Joined: | Fri Jan 20th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 42 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |   |
|
Posted: Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 05:52 pm |
|
I agree completely. Just this morning I was thinking how (and I know I'm not doing this in the best way possible) I'm just fighting the outcome, which is acting out. But the truth is there is something there that causes me to act out. I know it's leading me nowhere good, I know it's stupid to do what I do, I know I put many invaluable things at risk, but I still do it. It is an escape, a way of not dealing with realities in life I would like to change but do not or cannot change. I read somewhere that for the addict, you go into the addictive behaviour because it is something you can control in the sense that you want something and you get it. It is something where you can quickly change your current mental state. While in real life you are in many situations you simply cannot or do not want to change at the moment (working somewhere you really hate, being in relationships that are not healthy for you, facing the deep pain of abuse).
But again, this morning, I was thinking if I don't get the reasons for falling into this completely figured out and work on them, I will never be able to beat this thing. And I am so tired of this disease. I cannot be happy in life if I'm still trapped inside this disease, and the sad thing is that statement works in two different ways: 'If i'm still trapped in this is because I'm not happy in life' and also 'while I continue trapped in this disease I'll never be able to be happy'.
Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 05:53 pm by xyyz
|
rosiemj
Member
| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 26 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 12:07 am |
|
xyyz states: "I would like to change but do not or cannot change."
Hi xyyz. What about do not WANT to change. You need to WANT it bad enough. You need to get help big time and not just try to white knuckle this everyday because it will not work if you don't really WANT to stop the madness.
I feel that the term "addiction" put on as a label makes people who are having a struggle with sexual behavior feel like they are doomed somehow and also that they need to live up to that label.
I hate that addiction gets put onto everything these days. It used to be if someone acted out sexually to a bigger degree then what worked for them in their life then a person just knew that and adjusted their behavior.
So I feel if people would learn the core root of their feelings about what makes them feel like they do and instead of fighting this on a daily basis would find a way to get real help and work on this in a way of real wanting and not lay down to it and keep the madness going.
I feel if you really wanted to kick this you can. I do not believe that someone is not able to kick something if they really wanted to. Get help and reach out and not stay home fighting this. When someone tries to stop something by depriving themselves of something then being human will not allow it. So that is the very thing you will go for.
So the thought of trying to stop this is like a deprivation to your human conditon and you will fail every time if you do not get a lot of help. If what you are doing does not work then you need to do something else if you really want to get this under control.
Your desire to quit this madness needs to be bigger than your desire to do this. You can do it. Like I tried to tell my ex fiance "Get off your dead butt!" Don't let the label of addiction or addict make you feel like you got to live up to that label. You and only you can change this.
You have to change the things you cannot accept in this case! God bless Rose
|
P2J
Member
| Joined: | Mon Feb 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 51 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 06:02 am |
|
Thankx rosie
Seems to me that you're saying that if an addict had a greater desire or "want" to be free of his/her addiction then it would disappear. My journey in recovery so far leads me to a different conclusion and I hope the following parallel might help demonstrate it.
Sir Edmund Hillary was the first man to climb Mt Everest. I've not done that but if I'm permitted to project my notions of that event, I would say that there are two aspects of Sir Eds nature that enabled him to succeed; 1. his will and 2. his mind. I am unaware whether personal faith in God was a factor (to him) in his successful climb.
It would seem to me that both his will and his mind were operating in the same direction...upward. His mind would have been actively deciding how best to overcome the obstacles, organize the logistics and be proactive toward the safety of his team while his will would have been the driving force needed to endure the hardships and push through the adversities.
Imagine if his will was pointing down hill though saying, "Come on Ed, you don't really want to climb this miserable inhospitable mountain when you could be down below the snow line sitting in a warm field with your shoes and socks off". If that were the case I expect the expedition would have been a failure.
I find that while my addiction may have been initiated by something other than sex (father wounds, abuse, shame or whatever) the cyclical and repetitive nature of my addiction is the result of a disconnection between my mind and my will. I want to stop but my will overpowers me and makes me do things that I don't want to do, see Romans 7:19. My triggers rarely involve sex; they are primarily loss, anxiety and dissappointment.
The instant that my "will" puts it's hand on the helm of my actions, my mind is saturated with chemicals that prevent it from regaining control. That is why willpower is not helpful. The power of my will is being used against me. John Bradshaw in "Healing the shame that binds you" claims that there are five dysfunctional effects on the will caused by shame (as it relates to the grandiose personality disorder), one of them being "the will wills itself". He goes on to say that the will loses its co-operative relationship with the intellect. Boy, that's me in a nutshell.
Repairing the disconnection or the co-operative relationship is where I need to go and it will probably take 12 steps to do it.
Hope this has helped.
|
rosiemj
Member
| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 26 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 12:37 pm |
|
Hi I feel you got the wrong impression of what I posted. I quote myself:
"I feel if people would learn the core root of their feelings about what makes them feel like they do and instead of fighting this on a daily basis would find a way to get real help and work on this in a way of real wanting and not lay down to it and keep the madness going."
I am talking about someone who does nothing but "white knuckle" and try to use their WILL alone to stop the madness of their sexual problems. I feel that WILL alone will not help people to stop their madness and that people who have WANT and have a desire to truly stop the madness with a desire to stop that is bigger than the desire to use and if they get help to find out the reason why (example: abuse, love withheld etc) they have this problem that they will find a way to manage this problem and be able to find peace and happiness.
Want and Will and are two different things.
So I am on the same page as you. The only thing I hate are labels of "addict and addiction." I feel that puts pressure on people to be labeled and brings them down, which does not help their self esteem and gives more shame that is so huge in people with problems. And I feel that labels makes people feel they are in a category that brings them down and feel they have to stay there, which I feel keeps them doing things like they have to somehow live up to that label.
But I am totally on the same page as you here. I hope you can see that. God bless you, Rose
Last edited on Sat Feb 24th, 2007 12:42 pm by rosiemj
|
P2J
Member
| Joined: | Mon Feb 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 51 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Feb 25th, 2007 03:01 am |
|
Thank you for your reply Rosie.
Just a quick comment on your last point from my own experience.
I was actually glad when I discovered I suffered the disease of sexual addiction. Up until about two years ago I thought my compulsive sexual behaviour was normal and natural. After all, it started when I was 14yo and while I never discussed it in detail with anyone, oftentimes I would be involved in conversations that convinced me that every male was the same. My erroneous assumption was that acting out would cease when I got married.
It was perplexing to me that Paul claimed to "pummel his body" which I interpeted as overpowering his flesh and bringing it into subjection to God's Spirit. I could not understand how he was able to achieve such control and I concluded he may have been defective in some way, say impotent. Regrettably, that conclusion eroded my confidence in the scriptures and excused my own lustful actions.
Looking back over the years, I can see that the consequences of my sin are blatantly evident. Up until 2004 I blamed my wife for not sticking by me, blamed others for my social and academic inadequacies and then turned all my bitterness and anger for them back in on myself in both self pity and depression. Through the recovery movement I've found that I actually have a disease and that there is a cure. Prior to that I thought I was destined to be compulsive for the rest of my days.
I'm a recovering class 1 sex addict and that handle enables me to identify the steps I must take to return to Christ.
|
gaylon
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 237 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Feb 25th, 2007 07:44 pm |
|
When I realized that I was "addicted" to sexual behaviors and porn, was the first time I accepted that I would have to have help. Until then, I always thought that somehow I'd be able to fix it myself. For 35+ years... It was very helpful to me to think in terms of addiction, since for every addiction, there's a way out.
Two books helped me a lot, to help me realize the desires I felt were normal human desires (for comfort, acceptance, affection, peace of mind, whatever), and that those desires and needs can (more productively) be satisfied by other means than the soothing chemical high that comes from looking at pictures of naked girls and masturbating, which is ultimately destructive in so many ways. When I began to internalize this, then I can ask myself "Why am I feeling this draw to look at porn?"; what legitimate need to I have? What can I do to satisfy this need that is legitimate (physical exertion; call my wife; read a book or scriptures; pray; eat a snack; take a nap; shoot a few baskets; etc). This isn't all of the process, by any means, but has been a big help, and allows the "will" to carry me to healthy release, instead of the destruction of porn.
For anyone who's interested:
"Willpower is not Enough"
http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Not-Enough-Succeed-Change/dp/0875798713/sr=8-2/qid=1172428110/ref=sr_1_2/105-7208904-5050807?ie=UTF8&s=books
and I can't find the other book on Amazon.com ;-) but, here's a great article that was also pivitol in understanding and beginning to deal with my brokeness:
http://byubroadcasting.org/secrets/transcript/Buxton_transcript_2003.htm
Hopefully someone else will get some help from these. And, I think they are "on topic" for this thread...
--- Gaylon V.
|
P2J
Member
| Joined: | Mon Feb 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 51 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Feb 26th, 2007 01:59 am |
|
| Wow, thanks Gaylon for the Buxton transcript reference. The example he described is so close to my situation I suspect he may have been using a telescope.
|
gaylon
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 237 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Feb 26th, 2007 09:45 pm |
|
P2J - same way I felt when I read it... I had strong suspicions that maybe he's "been there, done that" at some time in his life...
Last edited on Mon Feb 26th, 2007 09:46 pm by gaylon
|
Current time is 12:55 pm | |
|
|
|
RSS