| Author | Post |
|---|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Tue Feb 20th, 2007 09:12 pm |
|
| I was at Walmart today waiting in the checkout and became super attracted to the cashier who was being extra nice. At first I just ignored it but everytime she smiled at me as she gave me each bag drove me to lust - she was just being nice and super happy about her job but I twisted it. On my way to the office all I can think about is how if I was single I could get sex in a few dates - then I'm thinking about sex at work surfing prostitution sites - then I remember here! I love this place - great way for me to remember I am addicted...addicted...addicted...I have a great loving family - I am almost 2 months clean...down below is still hot but I need to remember I am addicted....addicted...get back to work and try to be a normal person. Thanks for listening.
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 846 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |   |
|
Posted: Tue Feb 20th, 2007 09:17 pm |
|
Praying for you ABG...
TruthSeeker
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 07:22 am |
|
| Today I broke down and started driving around looking for a prostitute - luckily I don't carry cash but I could have bought the prostitute something with my credit card - did that once before. Lucky I was just driving in an area I know only once in a blue moon has a prostitute so nothing...thank GOD. Last edited on Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 07:23 am by addictionbegone
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Feb 26th, 2007 11:28 pm |
|
| Again, I was in the same area - there are almost no prostitutes but once in a while there have been sightings - thought I saw one and parked nearby - she just walked by because she was not a prostitute - thank GOD
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 09:46 pm |
|
| Today I found myself reading prostitution forums duringthe day. I have this nagging feeling that will not go away. I've been clean for just about 2 months now with actually visiting a prostitute (net porn still gets me off on a daily basis - I don't lingre much - just do my business and log off once a night). I know if I went to a prostitute and actually acted out rather than fantasize about it I would be clean for at least a month...the problem I have from staying away for so long (fasting) is I desire it a great deal more than if I went once a month...agony and such a waste of time...I reallllly want to go. The only thing that is stopping me right now is thoughts of my family and the fragile money lock - I would have to write a check to myself since I do not have the ATM card...
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 07:42 pm |
|
| I find myself reading about getting sex - once again I am here fighting my demons - I so want to break my 2 months of staying away and just go and start again at zero months - what is one time going to do - I can relax and stay away for another 2 months - this sticks - I hate doing this...I will stay away. Last edited on Mon Mar 5th, 2007 07:42 pm by addictionbegone
|
Bill
Member
| Joined: | Wed Jan 31st, 2007 |
| Location: | Mississippi USA |
| Posts: | 45 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 08:18 pm |
|
ABG
Hang in there my friend. You can do it with God's help. I don't know about you but if I do it one time I know that I would be hooked just like before.
I'm praying for you.
Billy
Day 35 of the rest of my life.
|
growingfaith
Member
| Joined: | Thu Feb 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | Michigan USA |
| Posts: | 20 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 08:32 pm |
|
addictbegone,
First I would just like to say that I appreciate all your honesty. I too think often about visiting the prostitutes - I have to confront the fact that at times I can't even read the sports section because of the advertisements for massage parlors. I also think about the strip clubs and what I could get away with in a dark corner.
Far from hanging in there, may I suggest letting it go? You will not keep yourself clean. Only God will be able to keep you clean and by turning your will over to him he will help do things for you that you could not do for yourself. I know exactly how you feel my friend. I've done all those things you talk about - trade with prostitutes, write myself checks from one account to the other, etc. I learned to be secretive, sneaky, and deceitful. It turned me into a very untrustworthy person.
May I suggest that you pray that God keep you from even looking at internet porn, escort forums of any kind, and driving around. When you first feel that urge, pray to God immediately - tell him "thank you God for giving me a beautiful wife and family. Thank you God for creating beautiful women to be the wives and daughters of other men. Help me find comfort in accepting your gifts." While you're always welcome to come here and tell on yourself, using this as a post-slip crutch is playing with fire.
A wise man once told me that relapses are never accidents. They are always planned. They are planned because we create in our lives pockets of secrecy and laziness where evil can find ways to ruin us. I can so very much relate to you, though. Please do not feel like I am judging you. I have struggled just as much as you my friend. I will pray for you today.
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 09:12 pm |
|
| Your prayers worked...I went back to work and stayed away - thank you so much - I'll be re-reading your posts.
|
TimM
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 11:28 pm |
|
I'm glad you managed to stay clean today. Feeling this much temptation is clearly a worry, though. Are there things you can do to strengthen your program? Most people need to work with others in their daily life, through counseling and support groups, and to learn really to trust other people and to trust God and to be absolutely honest. Hiding from others and doing it ourselves is what we all want to do, but nobody I know has really made that work. So quesions I would ask include whether you are really working with other people to be honest and to uncover and address the underlying causes of your addiction. If there is more you can do in that direction, maybe doing that before the relapse instead of after might be better.
When I'm feeling that much temptation, I need to talk to my sponsor and to other addicts, to look at how I'm handling stress and isolation in my life, to work hard to turn my problems over to God and to listen to what God is telling me to do, to stay honest and connected with my wife and kids, and to make sure I'm not playing around the edges with things I should have given up. It's stuff like that that keeps me sober. Anything there you can do more of?
Just how it works for me, but I'm hardly an old-timer in sobriety.
Tim M.
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 10:25 pm |
|
| Tim - you are absolutely right - I need to do this...to be honest I will wait because my life is so busy right now but I will do this - for now I use these forums - right now I'm ready to go to a massage parlor - but I won't...although I was on an errand earlier and swung around for what I thought could be a street walker - but I had a silent - lonely area of road where she was walking and I did not stop - just habit...but I did drive by...perhaps blazing grace could create a live chat area? Then we could all be each other's sponsors...whomever is on could help the other? Driving to a support group is great in theory but actually doing it is another - to just log in to a live chat would be easier and more people whould do this?????????
|
TimM
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 10:31 pm |
|
If you can drive to a prostitute, you can drive to a meeting, no? Ireally swear by breaking isolation by meeting real people in real life.
That said, the various 12-step fellowships all have on-line meetings, with people in chat rooms more or less 24/7. http://slaaonline.org will get you started. SAA and SCA have meetings at the same server. To me, this has been a huge resource, turning the computer into a real recovery tool instead of a huge challenge.
Tim M.
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 11:11 pm |
|
| Tim - you are right - I need to hear the tough love if you will...but driving to a prostitute is more enjoyable...I know that sounds lazy - but it's the truth...that being said...you are still right! I'm selfish and lazy...In my personal life I am lazy...so I need to remember what you said...thanks for the online live forum link - I'll check it out for sure.
|
TimM
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 07:56 pm |
|
ABG,
Is it really more enjoyable? The whole cycle? Really?
Because for me, what addiction brought was self-loathing and deadness. I built up walls of isolation that separated me from myself, from other people, from my wife and kids, from God. I struggled again and again to overcome my behavior, and I hated myself more and more for my continued failures. I became angry and dry and dead inside. Everything that might have been joyful in life became a void which I looked to fill up by my addictive acting out. I had no friends. I was intimate with no one. I saw no hope. I judged myself savagely. I thought about suicide. Every episode of acting out was something I didn't want to do, and something I regretted after it was over.
In the end, I stopped finding this enjoyable.
Eventually the pain got great enough that I was able to become willing to stop at nothing in order to recover - willing to open up to other people, to trust them, to ask for help, to surrender to God in ways that I had only mouthed before, to dare to face myself. I needed to be totally defeated to seek that surrender as a last hope, but when I reached that point, I could begin a day at a time or an hour at a time to find peace and to find joy.
What's your drive to and from prostitutes like? See, I don't drive to SLAA meetings thinking, "God, don't let me do it again." I don't drive there kidding myself, "I'm not really driving to a meeting; I'm just innocently shopping in the neighborhood and it will be interesting to see if there are any cars I recognize in the lot, but of course I won't go in." I don't come back from them thinking, "This will be the last time. Finally I've learned my lesson." I drive there to see my friends, and I drive back having learned about myself and having been encouraged by others or having been able to encourage them. I come back having seen people I love, people who love me, and having shared with them from the heart.
That brings me a joy I never found in my active addiction.
As long as we're convinced our addiction is just way more fun than sobriety could be, we just keep acting out. But the pain is still there, whether we can yet feel it or not, growing until it consumes us.
Some day, it will stop being fun. I hope you don't hurt yourself or others too much before that time, and that when you get to that point you remember that there is hope, that there are people who can help, that there is a God who acts when we allow Him to act and Who is ready to bless us in ways we cannot imagine when we are really able to trust Him with our whole lives in every way, not just with our lips.
People do recover. For me, that's happening through the 12 steps, through the action of a God in whom I found a new faith through the program, through the relationships I am building with my family and with other addicts and friends. I'm replacing anguish with hope and with joy.
I don't have to think hard about where I'd rather drive.
I hope you get there. I realize you may need to hurt some more first. I hope it's not too much.
Tim M.
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 12th, 2007 10:39 pm |
|
It's hard for me to see what you are saying still unfortunately - I'm still not there as you say...I do enjoy this sort of sex - not actual sex...I have not done this since I was married...but I do enjoy acting out - that is the problem - that is why sex is so popular in our culture - it is so enjoyable...that being said, I do feel guilty afterwards - I do feel shame in my secret - before I was married I had friends but not many - I never went out with friends - even now I find it kind of boring - sex encounters are more fun - the ultimate fun - there is nothing more enjoyable to me...again this is the problem - it is so much fun that it masks some hidden pain perhaps or it is so much fun that now it is an addiction - I know I have major problems - everyone says, "once an addict always an addict" - I love to solve my own problems but this one is not possible to solve...I hate that I have this addict - as a sex therapist I have visited several times in the past has said, "this is my cross to bear in life" - sometimes I look forward to dying - this problem will be gone...I do not feel like suicide - never have...I am super happy with my life - there is too much to live for...I'm just saying...it will be nice someday to have this lifted...
As always, I will re-read your helpful comments again and again when I feel I am about to tip over the edge...so far...almost at 2 1/2 months without acting out...how I want to right now...I will not...but how I want to...
|
gaylon
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 237 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 11:42 pm |
|
I don't know that "wanting to" is a sin, or, at least not as much as the acting out. And I found that my "wanting to" is often Satan inserting thoughts that I don't recognize the source for (i.e., "temptation"). Over time, God can purify your desires, so that the "wanting to" gets less often and less strong. I'm thinking it will eventually just "go away", but I haven't gotten to that point yet... And, we never get to the point that we aren't subject to temptation. Jesus resisted temptation "unto blood", for our sakes. Scripture reading and prayer (sometimes I fall down on those) will help strengthen your resolve... Hang in there...
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 09:51 pm |
|
| This is great! I'm almost to 3 months without acting out! I still use Internet porn but this is far from the other sins of prostitution. I did think about it today and looked around the Internet thinking but I don't feel the urge "as much" to act out - I had better stop thinking about it before I go off the edge because I am still addicted - I'm not in a fantasy world...but I will say this...over time it does get easier - one time I went for 8 months...I just need to stay away from places where I will see prostitutes and spend any free time with family only... Last edited on Mon Mar 26th, 2007 09:52 pm by addictionbegone
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Apr 5th, 2007 11:03 pm |
|
The lord is pushing the devil away - devil be gone! I have $80.00 in my pocket that my wife forgot about and I am not really craving massage parlors (where I used to spend). I accidentially was in the wrong part of town and passed by someone I could be with and I kept driving - tempted a bit. Over 3 months now with no problems! Saw a sex addiction movie on Lifetime - excellent movie on our problems - I recommend it...interesting to see my life from the other side - kind of like watching my life way up in the air looking down...here's a link to the movie info - my wife was able to watch it with me and I think it helped her to understand the problem more:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0286077/usercomments
|
addictionbegone
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 21 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Apr 12th, 2007 06:41 pm |
|
| I'm a bit stressed today - so I find myself cruising the Internet for prostitution info. - still I'm going for my 4th month clean...I'm going to make it.
|
TimM
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Apr 12th, 2007 08:20 pm |
|
What would be better ways to deal with the stress that bring you into relationship with other people and that don't put you in harm's way?
Tim M.
|
Current time is 06:54 am | Page: 1 2   |
|
RSS