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Bill
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| Joined: | Wed Jan 31st, 2007 |
| Location: | Mississippi USA |
| Posts: | 45 |
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Posted: Thu Feb 15th, 2007 03:38 pm |
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Good morning,
I am setting here at my computer reading on this forum and wondering how am I going to make it today. I mean, I want to go to porn so bad and I know that it is just a mouse click away. I have been masterbating for over 45 years. This is day 17 of me being clean. How can I just stop. I want to stop so bad but I also want to just do it.I have to fight to keep my hands on this keyboard and away from down below. OOOOOOOHHHHHHH GOD PLEASE HELP ME. Someone please tell me how I can do this. I think it might be best if I do away with my online service but then I will lose the support I have from all ya'll and that will be devastating for me.
Friends I am sorry for this rant. I think it is helping my to just say exactly what I am feeling. I have never had an outlet for this before. I am going to take a shower and hope I can get through it without masterbating. Please pray for me. I am going to wait a few minutes so maybe someone will read this right away and be praying for me .
Thanks again for this outlet and yout prayers
Bye, Billy
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henny
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| Joined: | Mon Nov 27th, 2006 |
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Posted: Thu Feb 15th, 2007 04:02 pm |
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Bill,
I jsut sent you a private e-mail. I hope you get it before disaster strikes.
We love you and your honesty and are praying fervently for you.
God Bless,
Henny
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Feb 15th, 2007 07:05 pm |
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Billy,
What are you doing now to stop? Most people I know, myself included, wanted to just stop and found that we couldn't. To quit, we need a new relationship with God and with ourselves and with other people. We need openness with people in real life. We need counseling. We need 12-step meetings. We need to find a sponsor and work the steps. We need a new trust and faith in God.
It's a lot of work, but it's worth every minute of it.
Is there anything like this that you are not doing now and that you could take up now? Is there anything you are doing with less vigor than you should be?
In the short run, good strategies might be leaving the computer for a bit, praying, getting on the phone to a sponsor or therapist or other recovering addict, getting outside, perhaps doing some writing.
In the longer run, though, huge temptations often mean for me that there's some part of my program I'm letting slide. I need to figure out what that is and fix the problem.
Do well. There's a lot of hope out there once we dare to believe it.
Tim M.
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Bill
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| Joined: | Wed Jan 31st, 2007 |
| Location: | Mississippi USA |
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Posted: Thu Feb 15th, 2007 11:22 pm |
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OK Tim, you ask me what I am doing now to stop. I have tried to be honest with everything I have said on here but I am going to try to tell you "The rest of the story".
1- You ask about a new relationship with God. I am trying to have a better relationship with God. I had gotten to the point that I could not pray. Now I can open up to the Lord and really talk to Him.
2- What about my relationship with myself. I think it is a lot better. I had gotten to the point that I could not stand myself. I don't think you could really say I was ready to commit suicide but I was thinking of not caring about anything or what this was doing to me. I think now with the help of communicating with God and help of this site I have come to think a little better of myself.
3- My relationship with others. I think it is improving. I have gotten to where I don't look at every woman as just a sex object. I have never stopped loving my wife but I think I love her more now and have a better respect for her since I have acknowledged my SA problem.
4- What about openness with people in real life. No. I have not talked to anyone personally about this problem. Blazing Grace is the only accountability partner I have. Even though I have been a SA for longer than I have been married (been married 34 years) my wife does not know about it. She caught me looking at porn several years ago But I lied to her and told her it must have been one of our sons who had been looking at it and I just happened to open it up by mistake. I guess I am just a really good lier and deciever. I know that I have to tell her but as I have said on here before " it really scares me to death to have to tell her" I think she totally trust me and I don't want to hurt her. I just keep thinking that if I can handle this by myself then she won't have to ever know about it. I have got to find someone else to talk to first and give me some guidance in how to go about telling her but I don't know where to turn to.
5- what about counseling. No. Like I just said. I don't know where to turn. I live way out in the country. I am about 65 miles from Jackson which would be the closest place to find help. I can not just jump up and go any time I want to.
6- What about 12 steps. No
7- What about a sponsor to help work the steps. No.
8- what about a new trust and faith in God. I am trying but I don't know how much I can do on my own.
I think that addresses all of the point that you brought up. So, that is where I stand. A really big mess RIGHT.
Billy
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TimM
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Posted: Fri Feb 16th, 2007 11:19 am |
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Billy,
I've got lots of work to do right now, so I can only give you a quick and disorganized reply, but I didn't want your long and very honest post to go unanswered.
For me, the crucial start of recovery really happened when I finally accepted that I couldn't do it on my own, which I, too, had tried for 30 years, and that I was going to need help. Some of that help I got on-line, but for me it was also important to work with real people in my real life. Addiction is a disease of isolation, and I don't know how to beat isolation alone. Shame and secrecy lock us into our addictive cycle - we're only as sick as our secrets - and breaking that shame and secrecy can set us free.
Coming here and learning to be as open as you are being is a big step. Good job. Congratulations. Starting to break down the walls between ourselves and God, ourselves and other people, and ourselves and ourselves is also huge. You're doing a lot. Be sure you celebrate that.
At the same time, it's clear from what you write that you still feel very alone, very isolated, very filled wih shame. I wonder if there are ways to dig deeper and to reach out farther to help those things. Now, I don't know that much about you and about your situation, but here are some things you might think about.
For me, the 12-step program has been a huge part of my recovery. I have been in the program less than 2 years, so it's not much, but I've been sober now over 14 months, which is a total miracle in my life. Living as far out as you do presents issues, but there are still a couple of things you might try.
- There are on-line SLAA meetings several times a day. http://slaaonline.org has information. You can get a sponsor there and start working the steps.
- The various S fellowships also have phone meetings, which you might prefer. I've never tried that.
- Even if you're a long way from a meeting of SLAA or SA or SAA or SCA or SRA, you may be closer to a meeting of AA. Some people attend open meetings of AA, just identify as "I'm Billy and I'm an addict," and benefit from recovery and fellowship that way.
- Driving 65 miles to a meeting may not be that bad. I drive about 50 miles to meetings twice a week. It's time-consuming and expensive, but less so than continuing to act out. I also record talks from recovering addicts at http://www.xa-speakers.org and listen to them while driving, so I get more recovery per gallon.
- Equally, driving 65 miles for counseling is worth it if it gets you sober. Counseling has been really important to me.
- You might also be able to find counseling and accountability in real life from a pastor or church group closer to home, or from friends recovering from other addictions like alcoholism.
- There are counselors who will work with you over the phone. You might explore that.
- If it really comes down to it, would you rather die an addict living where you do now, or move to a city and die sober? It probably won't come to that, but I had to reach a point where I was willing to do anything including changing jobs and moving before I could take my problems seriously enough to really surrender and start to recover. I didn't need to move, but I'd do that if I had to. Sobriety is too important.
- A lot of this would be simpler if your wife knew about your situation. I think she'll have to know eventually; I don't know any addict with long-term sobriety who is still hiding from their spouse. Part of recovery is building an intimacy we never had with other people, especially with our spouses, and we can't be open and intimate while hiding the central struggle of our lives. I hid from my wife, too, and I was scared to open up. A book, "Disclosing Secrets" (look at Amazon) helped me see safe ways to do that. Roughly, I got plans lined up for counseling and 12-stepo meetings, and then told my wife about my addiction and about my plans for recovery, which made it look (rightly!) like I was really committed to change.
Is all this scary? I'm sure it is. You don't need to do it all at once. But I think you're right that most of us can't do it alone. For me, reading Patrick Carnes' "Out of the Shadows" helped me see and accept that addicts don't get better alone, and that addicts who really commit themselves to working with other people do get better. Given that choice, i became possible to reach out and do scary things I had thought I could never do.
That's what I've got time for now. I hope some of it helps. I certainly relate to the difficulty sharing with your wife after many years of hiding, and to the problems living a long way from meetings, though I can at least get counseling at a town only a few miles away. Don't let the obstacles of rural life keep you from finding creative ways to block isolation, too.
Do well.
Tim M.
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