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holdsworth
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Posted: Sun Feb 11th, 2007 04:34 pm |
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I suppose I am just angry, angry with myself, angry with God, Angry at the Church but I know this anger is misplaced. Being Angry at God does me no good whatsover apart form it being 'better out than in'.
If he is ruler over everything and knows me, surely he can take it, even if I have got it wrong. Yeah, addiction really sucks and I hate the way that is has been such a drain on my life and causesd so much shame and guilt....even today. I hate the way i have gone there, over and over for security. I hate the way I have looked at Gods beautiful creation of a woman and lusted and worshipped her as a Goddess.
part of my anger is that I fail, but If I was perfect there would be no need for God!....and Jesus says he is alive and there for me to find strength and hope.
I am angry at all the religious CRAP that people say and cause so much pain and hurt with.
Over the last few days I have been thinking and asking, Was jesus really who he says he was?. Is he really all powerful and blameless?. Is his love really unconditional and forgiving and full of Grace. Cos, if it is..then There is hope. If it isn't true ...I am complelety screwed.
I am a human being in need of strength from somewhere other than my heart and soul that can only take me so far before rebelling and deceiveing me. If my own heart and mind rebels against me then I need someone outside of me....God, I hope that Jesus words are true, His way is the only way that makes any sense.
Grace is such a hard concept to grasp.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Feb 11th, 2007 06:17 pm |
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Yes, Holdsworth, He is who he said He is, holy, omnipotent, and abundantly loving and gracious. There is, indeed, hope.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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SomeGuy
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Posted: Mon Feb 12th, 2007 01:19 pm |
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Stay strong brother.
I have experienced everything you are going through, and I know how lonely and difficult it can be grappling with these thoughts. Christ also understands. He endured everything we are experiencing and more. And He will strengthen you and guide you. All you need to do is trust Him a little while longer. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
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APR
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Posted: Mon Feb 12th, 2007 04:48 pm |
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Brother,
I want to say before anything else, I have been in your shoes more times than I care to think. I still have a anger problem even though I don't direct it at Him anymore.
Some of the biggest injuries I have taken in this walk is people meaning well but saying things in the wrong ways and some people who just plain said the wrong things.
I know I have over the years and I do feel guilty when I look back at something "profound" that I said and thought would help, over time has been clear that was just the wrong thing to say of just insensitive.
I am not a Bible teacher or a pastor or anything other than the janitor. I can't give you big words of what you are feeling, but at the same time you don't need those big words. I have been in your shoes. I have sat for two of three days wide awake and sobbed and brawled in anger, wondering why.
We all go through these valleys when we are really search and plead to get back on the right track. I have been in it more times than I care to admit.
Some times we just have to let it go and I know, when you are in the heights of being angry, it's impossible,( been there and done that)
Just listen in those quiet times, when the waves have settled in, when you are drained and tired and despondent, when you get to where you don't have the energy to be mad anymore, listen then, that's when He spoke to me, that's when the love came and covered me and I even fought it than until I opened my eyes and realized that was the path I needed.
Last Friday night was a good example, things got out of control and I blew sky high, it took me until the next afternoon to calm down and the first feeling I had besides being drained, was was it worth it?
You can't Fight God for too long brother, it's just going to wear you out. I know for me the anger frustration and sexual sin are all connected, I had one under control and are working on the other two, but I will not consider myself any further down the road until the three are taken captive together.
I came across this in my devotions today. Read it if you are up to it, if not, if you are still too angry to read scripture, that's fine, come back another time and read it, it will be here.
This pierced me this morning as it was and sometimes still is me. It's all connected together.
James 1:19-27 (New International Version)
Listening and Doing 19My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 21Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. 27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
Take care and know I will be praying for you and I care, I am some one who has uttered everything you have written and I know the pain underneath.
God Bless
Art
Last edited on Mon Feb 12th, 2007 04:53 pm by APR
____________________
I am the way and truth and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through Me.
-John 14:6
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henny
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Posted: Mon Feb 12th, 2007 05:22 pm |
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Holdsworth,
You have come to a good place. Like APR and most of the other folks on this site, I have experience everything you have. Not sure how old you are, but I'm 55 and just experiencing freedom from my addiction. It has been a long 30 year battle. It's only in the last 13 or so that I have experienced any kind of true freedom. It does not come easy. But it does come.
Shelly Lubben, an ex-porn star, prostitute, drug and alcohol addict tells in her testimony of the 8 years it took her to finally break free and experience true healing. We all wish God would just wisk it away. Addiction gone. Neediness gone. Hurts gone. Wounds gone. Pain gone. All gone.
Some folks here don't like the Shelley Lubben site. I recommend it highly. http://www.shelleylubben.com .
Reading her testimony, listening to her describe the truth behind the fantasy of pornorgraphy, the sickening life porn stars actually lead, helped me to overcome my addiction. It was as though the Holy Spirit brought the truth home to me through this woman's total honesty.
Keep fighting. It may be along war, with many lost battles, but God will bring you to freedom and victory.
Keep the faith.
Matt
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holdsworth
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Posted: Mon Feb 19th, 2007 01:17 pm |
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Thank you all for replies.
when I am angry I swear and shout (only when I am alone). I have to get it out of my system. I think more than anything it is frustration at things that seem to have happened beyond my control aswell as anger at myself for being week to giving in to lust for so long!.
The trouble with this battle is that the more I fight the more intense it seems to get. I think it is a case of "do not think about the white elephant....just don't think about it!!!..........the more I try not to think about that stupid white elephant the more it plays on my mind.
AAAAARGGGHHH!. "steam coming out of ears"
Replacement with good things to fill the hole left by not acting out is the only way, but man it is tough. The default setting of acting out gets triggered so easily. The last few months have been horrible.
Breaking Free by Russell Willingham is the best book I have read regarding this stuff.
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gaylon
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Posted: Mon Feb 19th, 2007 10:19 pm |
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"... The last few months have been horrible...."
Believe me, I can relate to the "horribleness". It's pure h*ll the first while. But, it gets better, slowly. Today I'm having a hard day, but overall it's much less pressure than the first few weeks and months... And, slowly, Satan's grasp is loosened, and the light of God in your life gets a little brighter...
Praying for you...
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holdsworth
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Posted: Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 09:20 pm |
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Believe me, I can relate to the "horribleness". It's pure h*ll the first while. But, it gets better, slowly. Today I'm having a hard day, but overall it's much less pressure than the first few weeks and months... And, slowly, Satan's grasp is loosened, and the light of God in your life gets a little brighter...
Praying for you...
thanks Gaylon, I thought about your encouraging words when I went to bed last night.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 12:56 am |
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How is it going with you, Holdsworth? Still praying for you. Stephen
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johnny
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 05:26 am |
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| I've been where you are man. And the only thing to hold onto when you are hopeless is God. Stay strong in him
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