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footballman215
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Posted: Wed Jan 10th, 2007 09:14 pm |
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Hello all,
I confessed my problem with p and m determined to stop and I wanted to have healthy relationships with girls, especially the special woman I wanted to date and marry. I confessed to my friend in christian college who told me what I was doing wasn't wrong and referred me to his Christian mentor a year and a half ago but he told me that what I was doing was okay and healthy and encouraged me to enjoy fantasies while masturbating. He said this guy does pastoral counseling at his church and helped him in his relationship apparently. He used the philosophy that lust was a sin, not masturbation but loosely defined lust basically stating that unless youre heavily meditating on hardcore pornography youre not sinning, and since I was simply meditating on what I saw on TV/media and girls I saw in public because whatever did not involve the explicit sexual intercourse was okay. He even reinforced a behavior of "checking out" girls to see what kind of girl would suit me physically, advising me to check out a girl's breasts, rear end and other uncovered (or covered) features to see if that aspect of a woman is what God intended for me or what would suit me. Though I was already doing that subconsciously, it reinforced the behavior. I had reservations, but he said I needed to loosen my conservative mindset a litle so that I would have the courage to pursue and attract girls, because though Christian girls seem all prim and proper on the outside, being admired like that is what they really want. Being touched like that is what they really wanted. It all seemed kind of weird to me, but I have always been a kind of shy, quiet guy who never had a whole lot of luck with girls and this guy was pretty much the only guy I knew who was calling all the time willing to invest and help me.
He said that I needed to masturbate before dates or when I encountered a girl to help me loosen up and release any tension that I have. That would make me cool, calm, controlled, etc. He gave me certain sexual fantasies and scenarios with girls I met or wanted me to pursue, and told me to meditate on them because he said it would help me release and figure out what I wanted to do with them. IT's not lust as long as it does not involve actual sexual intercourse with someone I don't plan on being my spouse is what he kept telling me. If I believe it's my future wife, he encouraged me to have these fantasies. He said that I have to start thinking about that stuff so that I would be able to effectively take the lead in pursuing physical intimacy together. HE would want me to call him between 10 and 2 am at night so that he can give me these fantasies and wanted me to 'm' to them over the phone so that he would know that I wasn't b.s.-ing him.
None of this stuff seems to work. My friend and his gf are really physical but he and she both say that he is really wonderful and so helpful to them. This really came to a head with my last relationship I had with a very strong Christian girl. Though I tried to appear pure and sexually conservative, all of that reinforcement came out in other ways. It really pissed her off when I would stare at other girls, and though I told her I wasnt lusting per se, she still didnt buy it. What that guy kept on saying didnt really help me in the relationship department. She said she was embarrased to be around me in public, especially since she was a college student and there were so many girls on campus who wore revealing clothes.
Is what this guy saying is healthy? HAve any of you heard this before. HE is a Christian mentor and does pastoral counseling to lots of people, but it never seemed to jive with the Scriptures. He says he does this stuff all the time and his wife knows about it and believes in it. What do you all think?
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Gettinbetter
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Posted: Wed Jan 10th, 2007 09:47 pm |
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| I don't have a lot of time right now, but I think he's nuts. None of what he is saying can be supported by scripture or common sense. And that masturbating while talking to him on the phone is just plain weird. This guy should not be counseling anyone. And you need to trust your own discernment. Staring and fnatasizing about anyone other than the woman you actually marry is wrong. Drop this crackpot and find someone else to work these things out with.
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footballman215
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Posted: Wed Jan 10th, 2007 10:03 pm |
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| Thats what I thought, I stopped talking to him back in the summer. He would call 7-8 times a day. It just wasnt a healthy relationship.
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Jan 11th, 2007 01:23 am |
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Real counselors don't engage in phone sex with their clients.
OK, I'm not a psychologist, just a sex addict, but I know when people are getting off vicariously by giving fantasies to others, and I know telling people fantasies and listening to them masturbate at night is phone sex.
And I know real counselors don't engage in phone sex with their clients.
That wasn't hard, now was it?
Tim M.
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Jan 11th, 2007 01:28 am |
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Having said that, I'm not trying to make you feel bad for being misled. We're all confused and uncertain. It's why we're here. It's easy to be swayed by the credentials and reputation and get led someplace wrong. But this guy is just like priests who molest their parishioners. Is there someone to whom you can report him for his abusive behavior?
Tim M.
Last edited on Thu Jan 11th, 2007 01:28 am by
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CJ
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Posted: Thu Jan 11th, 2007 04:59 am |
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footballman215, see my reply here. Steve / Mike, we may want to merge these two threads to make sure all the responses get covered.
http://blazinggrace.org/forums/forum13/628.html
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footballman215
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Posted: Thu Jan 11th, 2007 03:11 pm |
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| On what legal grounds would I be able to say that he is engaging in some form of abuse? I wasn't technically forced to do anything.
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CJ
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Posted: Thu Jan 11th, 2007 06:42 pm |
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fbman215,
I don't believe any of us are speaking of legal action per se', but certainly disciplinary action from the leadership of his church or organization.
Well, at least that's what I'm saying. 
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