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SueBee
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Posted: Sat Dec 16th, 2006 08:29 am |
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On Sept. 23, just 9 days after I miscarried what would have been our second child (we have a 2 1/2-year-old daughter), I caught my husband of 5 1/2 years in a series of lies about strip clubs (including countless lap dances and a visit to a VIP room) he visited in Vegas during the course of our dating relationship and marriage (total of 7 years).
During the 4-day course of what I call the "truth trickle," he finally confessed an internet porn habit and sexual fantasies about females with whom he works.
I was blindsided...had no idea this had been going on. In fact, he's always portrayed himself as a wholesome sports-loving nice-guy. He seemed to be a relatively lazy husband -- not very house-proud -- spent a great deal of time on the computer checking scores, playing games, etc...never looked at porn when I was in the house. I used to complain to my girlfriend about how much time he spent on sports and games, but I would always end it with "at least he's not looking at porn." Famous last words.
Once he confessed, I grilled him over days and sleepless nights and proceeded to choke as many details out of him as possible -- catching him in many lies and omissions along the way. The details were sordid and nasty. I also went to the internet and researched this nastiness. Very damaging stuff out there. Yech!
As a result, I took control of our finances (which he's never abused), forced him to quit his small offshore gambling hobby ($200/year) and get a second job to finance what I call our "marriage defense fund," a special account for damage control expenses such as co-pays for counseling, regular credit checks, a new computer, internet blocking service, etc...
Anyway, upon receiving the news of his addiction, I went to my shrink (who I've seen off and on for years to combat anorexia -- yes, I have body image issues out the wazoo even without knowledge of his addiction! Until this happened, I'd been in a pretty good place for about 3 1/2 years...a little overweight but I was okay with it for the first time in my life). So my shrink puts us in touch with a fantastic marriage counselor/addiction specialist (PhD). We also began attending SA/SAnon meetings, a attending a weekly Buddhist service (they teach a lot of compassion and self-love; we're also planning to attend Christian church services after the first of the year), reading a mountain of Patrick Carnes books and exploring meditation.
My husband appears to be recovering...since his initial confession, he says he's not acting out at all. He said it was more difficult to part with his secret than the porn itself. He seems to be working his program, and for the first time, sincerely caring about others (except for me...which I'll get to in a minute.)
The last 2 1/2 months have been difficult at best. I feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster about the "facts" of the case. As if it isn't hard enough already, when I get overwhelmed with sadness or anger over all this, he becomes defensive and holier-than-thou and pulls me through what I call "the keyhole of misery." Yes, I feel like I've been pulled through the tiniest hole because he is such an expert at dodging and avoiding in the throes of confrontation. I've gone into an absolute rage 3 times since all this came out. (A rage for me includes very foul swearing, yelling, and sometimes hitting)
Tonight's been particularly awful...more accurately, the last 72 hours have been awful...I'm a freelance video producer, and one of the actresses on my production Tuesday shared the same first name as one of my husband's favorite porn stars, Tocarra. Well, I had a bit of a setback and began thinking through the undiscovered details of his lap dances and such....
Later that evening, I told him how hard it is for me to get through a single day without thinking about it all hundreds of times. I cited Tocarra as an example...He proceeded to tell me that some women wouldn't care if their husbands had lap dances and some women would say, "oh, bring her home." This was his way of illustrating his confusion about what is healthy sexuality for a male. Huh? I think it's passive aggression.
Anyway, I was telling him my concerns about the undisclosed portion of his experience...such as whether he wanted to kiss his lap dancer, etc...He got angry and said, "I'm not going to admit to anything I haven't done." I should point out that I was not speaking in anger at all, it was clear that I was calmly trying to express how I grapple with these thoughts on a daily basis, and I was appealing to him for understanding (and maybe a little comfort, since he seems so able to comfort his SA acquaintances now). The whole blowout culminated with him, hands on his hips, demanding, "What do you want?" He claims he was practicing his new-found gentleness throughout our discourse. Next time (not that there will be one), he might as well achieve the same "kind and gentle" results with a baseball bat. It's quicker and less painful.
As a result, we had very little sleep Tuesday and Wednesday nights...Wednesday night he shared that during the last year he's regularly fantasized about Tina, from work. In the past, he's claimed he only visualized her in a bikini/naked, but last night he expanded his story to include having sex with her standing up and missionary style at least once a month for a year ending this past spring. (yes, he gave me all those details) Isn't that nice? Needless to say, yesterday was a pajama day as if I'd been stricken with the flu.
So tonight, after our daughter was in bed, he decided to confess that he's been using the internet at work to check his sports stuff again....this is something he agreed/promised he'd never ever do at work again; we discussed this at length with our marriage counselor who was in support of our agreement. By the way, he has total access to it from our home computer. I don't mind if he does a little sports stuff at home; I just didn't want him to jeopardize his job by overusing the internet for recreational purposes. (He cannot access porn from his work due to the company firewall.) The real stinger is that his confession was prompted because he's won a sizeable amount of money and his fantasy football buddies know he's been actively changing his team lineup, so he's worried that he'd be outed\caught if he didn't confess to me.
Ironically, he left me a note this morning that said, "I'm sorry about what my actions have done to you and our marriage. It must be so painful to have days like yesterday where what I have done affects your cennection with our wonderful daughter. I'm so sorry. I love you. AND I WILL CONTINUE TO TRY TO HELP YOU FIND PEACE. I love you." This was all meant to help me with the I-had-mental-sex-with-Tina-update. Little did I know he was going to strike with the internet-at-work dealbreaker later that same day. Yeah, that's some kinda peace...knowing you can't trust your husband even on the littlest, most unimportant stuff.
I know it sounds small, but I think I've had about all I can take. I think I'm done. I couldn't believe some of the things I said to him tonight...yes, in anger, but I meant every word. I threatened to expose him...I told him I have Tina's address and phone number. I shoved and hit him too. I tore up a thank you note he wrote to my OBgyn for taking such good care of me after I was blown away with all this news 10 days after my miscarriage. I also threw his SA sobriety coins out the front door. I don't feel the least bit bad about my behavior.
I began speaking as if our marriage is over, and then I heard myself and kept going. I'm done. I guess this means I want to divorce him. I don't sound fully committed only because I don't want the financial/custody realities of divorce, but I don't trust him anymore, and I don't want him around me anymore.
I'm better than this. Does that mean I move on?
Pleeeeeez help me!
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TimM
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Posted: Sat Dec 16th, 2006 03:53 pm |
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Sue,
I can totally understand feeling a need to write to somebody late at night on a weekend. I also completely empathize with what has to be an insane roller-coaster of emotions. Early recovery is enormously hard on everyone involved, and the combination with the miscarriage makes the stress unbelievable. And much of what you describe sounds to me pretty typical in such a situation - your husband's difficulty sharing the right things (sometimes too little, sometimes more detail than is helpful), the anger and defensiveness on both sides, the huge importantance of superficially small things. It's good he is working so hard on recovery; it's natural to wonder if it's enough. The combination of the revelation of his addiction with the miscarriage is unspeakably awful, but I've even heard things like that before.
So I want to make sure you get a reply to your post that offers whatever support and affirmation is possible.
I also think the situation here is really complicated, and that you can't possibly get very thoughtful and nuanced advice from people who know you only over the net, only from a handful of posts, only from your side of the story. You'll get much better advice from the psych and counseling people who know you both already, from the people in the program and from the Buddhists. It sounds like you have a great network of support available locally, and I'd be very reluctant to presume to offer my own suggestions on top of theirs.
One small thought, though: moments of huge emotional intensity on both sides are not always the moments at which to make permanent decisions. Other options exist: one might be to separate and to continue counseling in order to get a calm clarity that probably isn't possible for either of you right now.
At bottom, though, I'd say that you have the people in place locally to handle the situation, and I'd encourage you to reach out to those lifelines and to use them. They're worth way more than what you'll get from people here who don't really know the situation first hand.
Do well. It sounds awful, and it sounds like you're doing an enormous amount right.
Tim M.
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SueBee
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Posted: Sat Dec 16th, 2006 07:33 pm |
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I can't thank you enough, Tim. You're very kind to have taken the time to give me some very solid, valid things to think about. Thank you for crossing my path. I needed what you've shared. Take good care.
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suebeegrins
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Posted: Sat Dec 16th, 2006 11:55 pm |
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| Tim...I received an email alert that you sent a PM. I'm new to this board and my PM is disabled...can't get it to work. Hmmmm. Very curious about what you have to say. Can you post it here?
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TimM
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Posted: Sun Dec 17th, 2006 01:46 am |
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Maybe it's an issue of SueBee vs suebeegrins?
I was passing you a link to another board at http://no-porn.com/ . If you go there and follow the links to Support Board and then to Partners Forum, there is a pretty active board with a number of very thoughtful women who are dealing with how to manage lives with addicts. In particular, at least one of those women had a miscarriage within the last year and would be in a position to empathize with all the issues raised on this thread.
I sent that as a PM in order not to be advertising other boards here, which I wasn't sure was quite kosher, and because I was sharing rather personal information about someone from the other board.
Let me now say all that in public here rather than leave both private and public concerns about what some addict is doing sending PMs to a partner, a behavior that for obvious reasons we should all keep to an absolute minimum. My strong intent was to send a single messsage, not to start a conversation.
I'm happy to listen to direction from anyone regarding this whole exchange.
Tim M.
Last edited on Sun Dec 17th, 2006 01:47 am by
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suebeegrins
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Posted: Sun Dec 17th, 2006 02:56 am |
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Tim,
I appreciate your information and resources very much, and I'm sure all readers understand the spirit in which you intend it. I submit that there's a divine reason why I was prevented from reading your post as a PM...perhaps you've reached others besides me with this information. I'm starting to realize that it's not about sex, porn, sobriety, etc...it's about intention. Seems like intention is the pivotal. Thanks for you help/concern/good vibes.
Smiles,
Sue
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TimM
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Posted: Sun Dec 17th, 2006 08:04 pm |
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It's about being sensible and cautious, too. For instance, it's about remembering how brilliant we are at convincing ourselves and others of the purity of our intentions; which is why behaving with public transparency is so important.
Tim M.
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mike
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Posted: Mon Dec 18th, 2006 06:28 pm |
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Re PIMS: Private messaging is disabled on new signups until someone here has been able to look at the account... Suebee, PM is available now for your account.
We've had problems with new signups trying to post or PM suggestive content in the past...
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a4givn1
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Posted: Tue Dec 26th, 2006 05:45 pm |
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SueBee I know that you are really hurting and cannot see the end of the tunnel.
I hurt with you and want your marriage to be joyful and wonderful.
I think your husband is afraid of you ... you are the police man with the billyclub
and he is the guy that cannot stop and will go to jail real soon....
I will say this... Jesus sent me a clear message when the women caught in adultery
was brought to him. He said go and sin no more .. encouraging her to get free.
Jesus Lord of all had the right to have her stoned. truth is just like that passage
we all should be stoned to death. You have a husband that wants to be free.
and as long as there are steps to recovery being taken there is hope. I would try and remove the fear he has of your impending abandonment. Divorce is good to get you free and away from his sin. I take the liberty and say please do not take any of my words seriously if they do not bring comfort. I would say divorce only when his heart cannot be redeamed and he will not do anything to change his direction.
lies hurt but he is lying because he thinks saving you more pain is beneficial. He is caught in a trap. Hurt you by telling the truth or hurt you by lying.
we know what works for alcaholism and we are finding a lot of answers but truth is this is very confusing for somebody that does not struggle with it. I don't have trouble with stealing and really don't understand those that do. I don't understand why sombody would smoke them selves to death. because I don't smoke.
Lord God ... Give this SueBee hope for her family and wisdom to her as she asks ..
John K.
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rosiemj
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Posted: Tue Feb 20th, 2007 09:49 pm |
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Hi I was a partner of a sex addict for almost 7 years. He told me the most vile disgusting things on a daily basis and also that he pretended I was teenagers and others including one of my son's girlfriend. And had sexualized anywhere and everywhere. And then he went into denial and now says he did not do all of that.
He also lost a 24 year career to his addiction. And had been sitting in my home for almost 4 years on his laptop doing nothing but being cruel to me with this addiction. Blaming me for it all. Even though I was extremely sexual with him it did not matter. He messed us up sexually by saying that he pretended I was others.
I know how you feel SueBee! It breaks my heart for you as I read your post. It is so painful to try to confront these addicts to have them lie and deny but at the same time say things that are so painful to hear. Please email me at rosiemj@adelphia.net so we can talk. It is hard to find support for us as victims of these addicts. LOL Rose
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rosiemj
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Posted: Tue Feb 20th, 2007 09:55 pm |
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Quote: "lies hurt but he is lying because he thinks saving you more pain is beneficial. He is caught in a trap. Hurt you by telling the truth or hurt you by lying. "
I am sorry but this guy is lying to protect his addiction NOT his wife. That is a lie that these addicts tell us to keep us feeling like they care but it is a lie and a smoke screen to protect their addiction!!!
Please do not try to sell that....We as victims get enough of that from our addicts do not need to hear you say it.....
The addiction is what is important...just what my ex used to tell me and that he used and abused me and I was not the one and that he did not love me. But then when he needed me he said he did love me blah blah blah. Lies all lies and only to protect his addiction and himself.......Rose
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rosiemj
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Posted: Wed Feb 21st, 2007 01:46 pm |
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I quote "I don't have trouble with stealing and really don't understand those that do. I don't understand why sombody would smoke them selves to death. because I don't smoke. "
Hi I need to reply to this also. The problem is for victims of sex addicts is that when people steal or smoke or other addictions it does not involve infidelity like sex addiction.
Infidelity is the killer in these addictions for the victims of sex addicts. But because the addict cannot see this they overlook this for the ones who have loved them in partnerships.
It kills the spirit and heart of a victim in a way that other addictions do not. I have been subjected to people who use and abuse drugs and there is a huge huge difference in how I have felt. It taps into the very core of partners who deal with a sex addict.
It is a personal addiction and with drugs it is not near as personal as this.
It is so hard to read your posts that I feel are very cold about this. As a victim of someone who has hurt me to no end with their addiction it is very very hard to see how you minimize this for the victim.
WE are in severe pain and anger here! We feel all the "hang overs" and symptoms that the addict does not because we are not medicated like they are. It feels much worse for us and it is not OUR addiction.
Yes we become unwilling co-addicts because we love these people and get caught up thinking it will change but it does not and we get left hopeless and helpless even more to this. We have to find a way to deal with it all.
And the reason we get caught is because we second guess when the addict lies over and over again and hides the addiction making us feel crazy! So we go into denial with the lies we are told and try to have a normal life all the while not living normal or right at the hands of these addicts who do not care.
God bless you but I hope you can find a way to be much more empathetic to the victims. Rose
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