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stacie73s
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Posted: Thu Dec 7th, 2006 06:47 pm |
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I would like to direct this to the addicted married men......
1) Can you please tell me what "you" are thinking and feeling when it comes to hiding porn viewing from your wives. Do you feel guilty at all wherein it bothers you throughout the day or when you lay next to your wife at bedtime?
2) Can you also tell me why is it so "easy" to "lie" when your spouse knows exactely what' s going on?
Your answers will benefit a peace of mind for me. Thank you. God Bless.
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Dec 7th, 2006 10:54 pm |
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Let me try a couple of quick replies.
1) Can you please tell me what "you" are thinking and feeling when it comes to hiding porn viewing from your wives. Do you feel guilty at all wherein it bothers you throughout the day or when you lay next to your wife at bedtime?
I'm feeling guilt and shame. I'm also thinking that what my wife doesn't know won't hurt her. I'm trying to hide my addiction from myself as well, and to pretend I am someone I am not. I'm saying to myself, "This is the last time, and now I can quit and never have to confess something that is now over." And I'm living a deeply divided and compartmentalized life in which my wife and my porn are in separate universes in my own head and in which I can love my wife (as best I can love anyone) when she is around and do my own thing when she is not. When I am done looking at the porn I feel despair, and when I am lying next to my wife I am not thinking about the porn at all - I and it are in separate universes.
That's a quick answer that may or may not make sense, but it's an effort to respond quickly to your question with a description of the inner insanity of our addiction.
And I have kept my answer in the present tense both to stay consistent with your question and to try to make my own answer as direct and honest and brutally clear in my own mind as I can, but I do want to make the pathetic and deeply insufficient apology that what I'm describing are things I haven't done in almost 2 years. Just the whole 30 years before that.
2) Can you also tell me why is it so "easy" to "lie" when your spouse knows exactely what' s going on?
My wife and I have real communications issues. For neither of us is it easy to be open with others, especially on matters of sexuality and emotions. And so for both of us, for decades, it was easier to pretend, to be friendly roommates, and not to do the scary thing of being open to one another. I showed my wife the side of me I wanted the world to see, and she accepted that image in the hope it might be real and didn't dig deeper. And both of us starved and died inside alone, knowing something was wrong and too isolated and frightened to verbalize it.
Hope this helps, but it may just add confusion.
Tim M.
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gaylon
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Posted: Thu Dec 7th, 2006 11:44 pm |
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I've been addicted to p & m (as we say on the forum) for almost 40 years, since I was 12. Not much internet porn then, but magazines. Later, internet porn.
Tim M's reply is the same for me. Men have the ability to completely compartmentalize different areas of their lives (work, family, sports, etc). I was able to completely shove even any memory of porn viewing out of my mind for long periods of time (sometimes months, or a few times, years), but it was always lurking. I would think -- this time, I've got it beat. Never once thought of it as lying to my wife when I didn't tell her about it. Never occurred to me that it was betrayal, until 2005 when I started thinking about sleeping with a prostitute. The girls in the pictures aren't real people (to the addict) -- they are a fantasy vision that triggers very powerful chemicals in our brain that feels really good (more powerful than heroine, some say), that we can get on demand, and without demands, to satisfy emotional needs and hurting, without facing the reality. I knew it would hurt her to know, so I didn't want to talk about it with her "until I got it under control". I didn't have even a shred of understanding about her woman's intuition, that she was hurting inside because of something she couldn't quite identify, until I finally told her everything. Now, I'm aware of it all, and have suffered greatly in working out my repentance, and from seeing her suffering, doubts, depression, anger, fear, and all the rest. She is doing better now, but it will probably be years before she will trust me.
Same communication issues. Keep it light, keep everything inside -- whatever it takes for peaceful coexistence. Until after years of silence on matters of conflict, we have a big blowout, then silence on the issues for years again. Now, we talk every day, and don't let questions, problems, and issues slide. Completely new start to the relationship, with a long way to go...
Hope this helps you understand, even though it probably makes you angry...
--- Gaylon V.
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mj9
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Posted: Fri Dec 8th, 2006 07:12 am |
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Last edited on Mon Dec 11th, 2006 08:01 pm by mj9
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stacie73s
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Posted: Mon Dec 11th, 2006 06:32 pm |
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| Thank you for your prompt responses. They were very helpful. If you have any other comments you'd like to add in the near future for us curious spouses, please post them. Thanks again!
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nplplz
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Posted: Mon Dec 11th, 2006 06:54 pm |
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I feel a ton of guilt every time I lie to my wife
I love her with my whole heart
I am torn between being honest with her, not wanting to hurt her, and most of all dissaointing her as she thought I was doing better than I am
Don
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gaylon
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Posted: Mon Dec 11th, 2006 11:43 pm |
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True about not wanting to hurt our wife, but not realizing that not telling is hurting her. As the author of "Man Enough" said (in so many words), the thing men fear the most is an angry woman. That may not be always true, but how many times have we men commented back and forth "there'll be h*ll to pay if my wife finds out"...
We tend to figure it's sometimes best left unsaid, whereas the woman really wants to know, for the sake of intimacy and communication and honesty. All somewhat foreign terms to many (maybe most) guys, by our very natures, until we learn about it the hard way, even though we probably all believe we're pretty honest people...
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Billyeah
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Posted: Tue Dec 12th, 2006 06:07 pm |
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I remember when I was acting out, I was numb. There was no conscience, it was like I had been seared with a hot iron. I had a shell that I couldn't break through. When I was with my wife, I acted like nothing happened. After a while though, when acting out came less and less, it really started to affect me. Once again while I was looking I was numb, but once I got out I felt awful, I tried to put on a happy face, but my wife saw through it. I would be quiet, and reserved, and that's not me. She would ask "What's wrong"......"Nothing" was my favorite response. I was so disgusted with myself. I now am so happy that I don't have that in between my wife and I. It is such a weight off my shoulders. But more than that, I don't have to worry that my prayers are being interfered with because of my sin.
God Bless
Bill
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josh12
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Posted: Wed Dec 13th, 2006 04:16 pm |
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I feel guilty everytime I give in to this. This is my first time looking for help.
A couple of years ago, I thought I had beat this. My wife caught me on a porn site and it really woke me up. It crushed her. She is an attractive woman and our marriage is very strong. Neither of us has ever been with anyone else. God helped and forgave me as did my wife.
Over the past few months however, I have consistently given in to the temptation. I especially have trouble with sex scenes in popular movies. It is easier to hide my desires when we are not watching a xxx movie (which we don't). I even watch movies with my wife and then calculate how long I need to wait before I can come on to her so that she doesn't think I am thinking about the woman in the movie. Jesus teaches that looking at a woman lustfully is adultery, so why can't I stop?
I am a pretty strong Christian in most other areas of my life. I have managed to give God control in a lot of other struggles. I have never been able to completely let go of this one however.
Thank you for this site. Please pray for me. Just writing this out I feel is a first step.
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stacie73s
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Posted: Wed Dec 13th, 2006 05:32 pm |
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Thank you for your response. In responding to your sentence you wrote:
I was so disgusted with myself. I now am so happy that I don't have that in between my wife and I. It is such a weight off my shoulders. But more than that, I don't have to worry that my prayers are being interfered with because of my sin.
I would just like to say that the outcome of your past sin really brings hope into my life. It means so much to me to hear when a spouse "understands their participation in sexual sins" bearing somekind of a conscience and "does" what he/she needs to to persevere but most importantly, please Jesus.
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stacie73s
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 01:50 am |
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To the husbands:
What other approaches could or should the wives take when the white lies turn into daily deleting of computer history and staying up on the net late? Thanks!
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wretch_like_me
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 06:46 am |
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I echo a lot of what josh12 said, except for that my wife has never caught me looking at porn. Although I am sure she is suspicious, especially considering what you said about the deleting of the history and staying up late on the internet. Which she has asked me about, that is, why the history & address bar is wiped out. Those times that that came up, I would cover it up by saying that I the computer was running slow & I needed to clean out the garbage files that were in the temp folders. I would rationalize this as being at least sort of true, because after my "fix", I would clean out my computer in shame and disgust with myself and promise that that was the last time I was ever going to do it. Then I would have a short period of time of freedom before getting lured by my own lust & fall back into that trap. It is almost a split-personality, which is sort of true, I guess; as our old sinful nature is doing battle for real estate in our mind against the new nature that we have in Christ.
Anyway, I know that my behavior hurts my wife, and for that I am incredibly sorry and ashamed. I usually am a pretty open book, but this area of my life is a chapter that until recently I did not want to show to anyone, especially her. But as God is leading me to be more and more obedient to His will, I know that this is something that has to get out into the open. Please pray for us as I get closer to telling her the truth.
Now, on to my advise about what the wives should do about the late nights & deleting histories. I would advise against being directly confrontational. This would most likely just put your husbands into a direct defensive mode and maybe even make him be more reclusive. Especially when he is being confronted by something that he knows is wrong and is ashamed about it already. I would suggest that you let him know that you love him and are there for him, so that if there is anything that he is struggling with, then you are willing to support him, even if it is going to be hard for you. Time after time, men say how isolated they feel with this problem, so knowing that they will not be alone and abandoned, I think would be very encouraging. I can't say what his response would be, as everyone is different. So be prepared for a wide range of reactions, from defensive & yet another lie to a broken & repentent spirit. And most importantly, pray for him!
I do not pretend to be any type of relationship expert, so take this advise for what it is...from a man who struggles with temptation who is praying for the strength to be honest & open with his own wife. I hope this helps even a little.
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gaylon
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 07:43 am |
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I guess I mostly agree with the other responses. Prayer probably is the best thing, since God can convict our heart where nothing else can. Unfortunately, as you hear about people with other addictions, most of the time it seems like we have to get at or near rock bottom before we confess. I always (mostly) had the desire to be free, and to have a pure heart. But I just didn't want to hurt my wife, and go through the pain of seeing her hurt. And, really, I had a part of me that wanted to hang on to addiction -- for the temporary soothing and numbing of pain, and for the extreme pleasure (albeit temporary). It was only when I started thinking about sex with a prostitute that I realized I was spiraling way out of control, and better do something about it if I wanted to still have a marriage. That was my "rock bottom". As to what will help your husband, "God only knows", so it seems that prayer would be a good course... Maybe God would lead you to express love, and concern, and tell him that your "female intuition" (which I've learned is very real) is making you uneasy, and feeling scared and hurt (or whatever the feelings are), and is there something going on that he would be willing to talk about with you. Express to him your own weaknesses, so that he feels on equal ground with you (we're all equally sinners), and let him know you want to be there for him, as he is there for you (if that's the case).... Just some thoughts... I don't know much about anything, so just take it as musings from another struggling man...
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josh12
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 01:40 pm |
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The feeling of isolation is a tough thing. I know that a lot of men struggle with this, but it is never discussed. I think it's because if we bring it out in the open then we know we will feel the need to deal with it. It is much easier to never talk about our problems than to try to change them.
I am also struggling with telling my wife. After seeing how hurt she was the first time, it kills me to think of how she will take it again. She is pregnant with our third child and to her it will seem no different than if I had physically had sex with another woman.
On a good note, the last 2 days have been victories. I talk to God hourly about this, and so far I am doing well. I am thankful for this place to let some things out.
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TimM
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 02:10 pm |
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To give an honest answer to stacie73s's question to addicts about how to deal with more secrecy and lies, you'll probably get a better answer from other partners than you will from us. If an addict is not yet willing to be open and to commit everything to recovery, I think there is little or nothing anyone else can do to produce that willingness.
What you can do is to protect yourself and decide what boundaries to put in place to do that. Some people separate, some insist on monitoring software, some require tests for STDs, etc. Partners learn to detach emotionally from their spouses in order to separate the issues over which the partner has control - keeping herself safe and living her own life - from the issues over which she does not have control - causing her husband to give up his addictive behavior. In the end, some divorce and some elect to stay on in relationships they know are deeply wounded.
Bottom line in my opinion: take care of yourself and resist the temptation to believe that you have responsibility for his behavior and ability to make him better. You'll get much better advice about how to do this from women who have lived this life than you will from the men who have caused it. There is also a lot of wisdom in support groups for partners of addicts, like COSA or CODA or Alanon.
I wish I had a more cheerful answer - the right thing to say or the right thing to slip in his coffee to make him hit bottom and become willing to change his life completely. That's not something we can do for others, though; and until he becomes willing to change, all you can do is to work to keep yourself safe and serene either with him or apart from him. At least, that's what I think I learn from those who are married to people like us.
Tim M.
Last edited on Fri Dec 15th, 2006 02:11 pm by
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stacie73s
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 02:34 pm |
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These are all great responses to my questions and I truly appreciate them.
I still am speaking with women on this issue, so at this point, I am in need of what the man thinks and feels. So far, you guys have answered many of the quesitons that I had. I'm learning a lot!
Thanks again, and we'll all have to remember that "Prayer" is the beginning and the conclusion of the matter. There is hope!
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Shawn77
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Posted: Sun Feb 25th, 2007 11:27 pm |
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| Stacie, when it comes to hiding things, it's more of a fear of dissapointing our wifes and loved ones. We don't want to admit we are weak and or need help. We depend on our sposes and we have a hard time accepting ourselves so how can we expect others accepting us. WE feel quilt 24/7 if we are honestly seeking after the Lord. I know I have looked at things and been like wow why do I keep doing this and why do I do this when it's hurting me, and my wife, and maybe someday my family. I would hope i would never lie if confronted about this, i have hidden it from my wife, and i know i should tell her, but i can't quite yet. Again it comes to the shame of letting down the ones you love i believe in my heart. Hope that helped.
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stacie73s
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Posted: Mon Feb 26th, 2007 11:33 pm |
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Shawn:
Thanks for your honest reply. I'll pray that you'll pray and be comfortable enough to to the point where you'll share this with your wife so you can release this burden that is so heavy on you. Remember, when you confront your wife, the Lord will work it all out so that she will cope and help you through this. The Lord will honor your sincerity and bless you and your family!!! That's the great news! God Bless. Stacie
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Shawn77
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Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 01:12 am |
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| Thank you Stacie, I have not reached that point quite yet. I believe the lord will direct me in how to proceed there. I appreciate knowing your womans point of view. May the Lord bless you as well.
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JLV
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Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 10:46 pm |
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Stacie,
If I can add a related question to your thread....
My husband says that he doesn't want to communicate with me about his addiction because it hurts me so much. I believe that it's hard for him to know that his behavior hurts me. If he looks at porn though, he would tell me because he feels really guilty about that. I don't think he would tell me if he mb'd to someone else though and certainly not if he lusted after someone else. How do you men who talk to your wives about this decide whether a sin is something you should tell your wife? I'm a woman who wants to know everything because it helps me rebuild trust in him when I hear him being vulnerable with me.
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