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TimM
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Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 11:38 pm |
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A very quick answer is that in the end, how much a wife knows has to be the wife's decision.
That said, I think it often is the case that it s not easy for either party to discern what is important to know and how to make the sharing of that information safe for both parties. It's easy to end up hiding too much, and that is every addict's deep instinct. It's also easy to start out asking to know everything and to end up getting gross details that stay in the mind and are not necessarily helpful. I have met wives who have gone through their husbands' computer files in detail and who have subsequently wished they could forget some of the images they found. I have also known husbands who, in order to be totally honest, ended up dumping what may have been unnecessary details about everything they said and did that embarrassed them over 50 years, when an outline of major types of behavior might have been sufficient. Not every wife feels a need to know what a disturbed child may have done with family pets half a century ago if that action hasn't been repeated.
For all those reasons, working together with a counselor to figure out what you need to know and to manage the disclosure with a third party present so that both parties' boundaries are respected is probably pretty useful. Setting up guidelines in advance for future accountability is also probably a smart move.
In my own case, my wife is content knowing the broad outlines of my past behavior and knowing that I am continuing to share the details she does not want to know with my sponsor and with my therapist. She wants to know - and I have told her - about any slips that have happened since I started recovery. I've shared roughly what happened, without going into details about what images attracted me and why. I also try to keep her current on how I'm doing, usually somewhat abstractly. "I was finding myself really tempted, maybe because of all the tension at work, and so I went to a meeting and shared about that, and now I'm feeling OK; but I need to understand where that desire was coming from. There's some connection with my getting angry about the dishes last night . . ." We're not doing well with that sort of conversation right now - we both have way too many things on our plates - but that's a goal, and one we have achieved in the past.
I guess that wasn't very short. Time to go cycling.
Tim M.
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Shawn77
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Posted: Wed Feb 28th, 2007 01:05 pm |
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| Also to answer, I think it's a matter of trust with the wife. Not all wifes are as understanding and patient as others. If you know your husband has a problem, then yeah he should be open to talk to you about it, but if you never knew, would you want to know how bad he really is? Would you want to know that you at times might not have been the only woman on his mind etc? Would you be angry with him and yell at him right away? These are fears that us guys have. Some of us only have th estrength at this point in time to tell other guys, not our wives.
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Bill
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Posted: Wed Feb 28th, 2007 10:41 pm |
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Thanks, Shawn
I think you are exactly right. Thanks for the post.
Yours' in Christ.
Billy
Day 30 of the rest of my life. THANK YOU LORD JESUS
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Shawn77
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 11:19 pm |
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| I appreciate you all here and all your prayers. Stacie, I took your advice and that of others and I finally came clean to my wife. I am so happy that I did so. I feel like a weight has been lifted. We're trying to find a program (free) hopefully that can help prove my accountability on the internet etc. Do any of you all know of any? Our pastor recommended one, but i don't remember what it's called.
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JLV
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Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 06:31 pm |
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Are you talking about accountability software? XXXchurch has a free accountability tracking software program. It keeps logs of where you've been on the internet and can be accessed by your AP.
Good job telling your wife.
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Shawn77
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Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 09:19 pm |
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| Thanks I will check it out.
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