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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Thu Sep 14th, 2006 10:26 am |
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I am not sure this is as much about boundries as it is definition of sobriety and what am I to beleive. I will give the rundown and I truely hope I get some feedback as I am really lost and more sick at heart than ever.
I have been with my partner for 4 yrs. Two years into the relationship I was to find out about his addiction. He had been faithful to me in the flesh so to speak but was heavily involved in internet porn, sex chat etc...This devastated me ( although that seems like to small of a word) This was the 9 th of August 2004. My partner knew he needed help but like so many he needed his sacraficial lamb, and it was unfortunatley me.
he proceeded to go into recovery and began S.A meetings and therapy. he did this quite regularly but then stopped attending the meetings for close to 8 months . he began going again when I said go again or I need to leave. All of this time he claimed to be in recovery and not acting out with any behaviour. I remained in the relation ship and we talked alot about his addiction and what it meant. I was under the understanding ( as he pledged daily ) that he loved me, would not lie or hide anything and would not be involved in anything sexual other than with me.
Almost to the day of his anniversay for 2 yrs of being sober , in a conversation he lets it slip that he has in the past 2 yrs masturbated a few times BUT without material and /or images or fantasy in his head. He tells me it was NOT for addictive reasons. He did this just a few times in the first year and was not concerned about it at all.
I was again devastated, not so much by the fact that he masturbated ( although that bothered me greatly for obvious reasons) but that he had lied and hidden something from me. I had asked him point blank several times about it and he always answered "no I have not" and he spent alot of time and energy with me telling me over and over what a changed man he was and how he could never lie to me again  but he did. To make matters worse he seems indifferent to it....sticking to the story that it was not for addictive reasons, no fantasy was in his head and I should not be concerned about it.....I don't know what to do...this changes everything ....proves he is still a liar when he needs to be.
Also he has attended meeting for a yr regularly now...but has almost never read and forums are a lost cause with him.... he has a sponser that he has had for a year and has called him once...?? I do not understand why he thinks he does not need any support or connections......I am pretty much fed up and am planning to leave. I am so tired of this....just so sick and tired ......I am young and attractive and just want a chance a true happiness with a man who is not like this and never was....where are all the men with honor, the men who are whole and pure. I always just wanted to have that and give it. I have really made a poor choice here....what am I gonna do....
I desperately need some feedback/opinions here
Thanks for reading..........I am really starting to cry now....this struggle is just to hard...just to hard
Last edited on Thu Sep 14th, 2006 10:26 am by
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Billyeah
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Posted: Thu Sep 14th, 2006 04:24 pm |
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I am truely sorry Diva. I really am. I know you probably would rather have a reply from one of the wives but I just thought I should reply. Even then I don't know what to say . I really wish men would stop thinking it is no big deal. It really is a big deal, and has much greater implications than we ever think about. I will pray for your relationship, and your heart, that it may somehow be healed.
I may be alone in this department but I would like to bring something up. I may not be the person you want to hear this from, but here goes. I don't think you should leave your husband. Not for so much for his sake but for yours. The Bible is pretty clear about the subject of divorce. You can't. I have yet to find a verse backing it up. I just bring this up because I pray that you will follow the word of God, and not your heart. Don't ever think God doesn't see your suffering. He will reward you greatly if you stick it out. Look past this life and into eternity. Know that obeying God and his word is much more beneficial than leaving now to stop your temporary pain. I realize your pain must be great and the hurt must be awful, but as our lives are only but a vapour, so will this pain be. Look to eternity and all the rewards therof.
God Bless
Bill
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Thu Sep 14th, 2006 07:05 pm |
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actualy I was hoping for responses from men
thanks for your insight 
Diva 
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Sep 15th, 2006 07:37 pm |
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Diva,
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through! My heart does go out to you! I was just wondering, are you married or living together because I'd have very different advice to give, depending on your answer. Either way, you've obviously given of yourself to this man and this is tearing your heart up...and I'm so sorry for that!
Captivated
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Fri Sep 15th, 2006 07:46 pm |
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Well we have been in a relationship for 4 + yrs and began living together as I became pregnant and we decided to give it our best effort to have this child. He was asking me to marry him and to this day still does , but I just can't. I do not like living together without the sanction of marriage...but I am just to afraid to commit to him that way....this way I can just leave if he does not stay in recovery.
I had a child with this man and I know it sounds odd/cold....but I am not sure he is worthy of my commitment, after the things he has done and the kind of sick person he became....I feel having his first son was something he did not deserve but he has him now....our son is a joy but he was an unexpected surprise. We are having him dedicated in our church next month.I know it is awful to feel those things, but I am trying to be honest here.
I know this probably goes against what you beleive Captivated so if your wanting to judge or tell me it is not as bad because I am not married to him .please don't. I am in so much pain already I cannot hear that
thanks for your reply
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Sep 15th, 2006 08:42 pm |
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Diva,
Please hear me.....that I'd NEVER tell you it's not as bad because you're not married...the pain from your partner's addiction has wounded you every bit as much as a married person...and you have had a certain level of commitment to him just by the mere fact that you've stayed. My eyes have welled up for you....my heart hurts for you....and I am not judging you!!! No one knows what decisions they would make in life given the same set of circumstances you've faced....me included! ...and believe me, I have not always chosen wisely on various issues and have been so thankful for His grace!
The reason I say my advice would be different though is because I do believe in seeking to do everything possible to stay married when married, even if a separation has to take place in order to do so! I just believe God loves us so much that His heart is to bring restoration to broken husbands and wives and healing to their hearts. If you are not married and he's demonstrating behavior to you which you do not want to be married to, then I guess I would ask you what you plan to do? Living with this sort of thing is definitely not God's best for anyone, married or not. I guess I'd encourage you to separate at least for a measured amount of time before deciding if you're going to marry him or end the relationship. I'd also love to see you get some local support or counseling as you work through this grief process because no matter what you do, you will also have much to work through as a consequence of your partner's choices. I can also understand how you'd feel some of the things you've felt related to your son!
Please know that you are prayed for! Please let us know if there is any way we can help.
With great compassion and care!
Captivated
Last edited on Fri Sep 15th, 2006 08:45 pm by captivated
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Sat Sep 16th, 2006 12:05 am |
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It is Friday and the same day I posted my last reply.
I have had to ask him to leave. he has become increasingly emotionaly and verbaly abusive to me especialy when I do not give the responses he wants or am upset and unable to feel close to him He is passive agressive and when being nice does not get the response he wants, he switches to abusive.
I had to have the police come today as when I tried to leave with our son he was trying to stop me, and when I was trying to pack a bag he continued to harass me and hurl verbal assults at me ( the baby is screaming at this point ) I wanted to use the phone he took it away from me where then a struggle followed .....he proceeded to refuse to give it to me and struck me in the eye and now it is swollen shut.
I had no choice but to have him leave
I do not know what to do or what happens now, I am just heartbroken , he has hurt me so much and now this.
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captivated
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Posted: Sat Sep 16th, 2006 01:05 am |
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BrokenDiva,
I'm unable to respond right now, but am really praying for you! I'm so sorry! No one deserves to be treated like this!! Talk soon!
Captivated
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captivated
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Posted: Sat Sep 16th, 2006 01:23 am |
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Diva,
One more moment.... Just wanted to ask you, do you feel you're safe tonight? Do you and your son need to find someplace else to stay? Just wondering. Again, I will certainly pray for you!!! Whenever we open the door to sin like he has, it also opens the door to other kinds of evil! You are more valuable than this to God!!! He has a much better plan for you than what you've had with this guy! Keep asking Him to show you and to give you all you need to follow, good friends included!
With care...and some tears with you,
Captivated
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Sep 16th, 2006 07:47 pm |
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Hi Diva,
(Sending big hugs.)
Heavenly Father, please put a hedge of protection around Diva and her son. Please give her comfort, wisdom, and provide all her needs according to Your glorious riches in Christ Jesus. In His name, amen.
TruthSeeker
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Sep 29th, 2006 03:51 pm |
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Did I miss an update to this situation in another thread? I thought that the two of you had separated.
Puzzled on how to pray,
TruthSeeker
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Fri Sep 29th, 2006 05:43 pm |
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We have reconciled for the moment. When he became physical and I had the police come , his hitting me was accidental and the result was a black eye BUT what happened was a result of a struggle for the cordless phone..when I pulled at his arm he then released it and it slammed me in the eye. This by no way lets him off the hook as he before hand was
#1 verbaly harrassing me ( angry and panicked.. b/c I had finaly decided to leave)
#2 calling me names and berating me for NOT being able to forgive him, let the past go etc...
#3 refusing to give me the phone, which ensued a physical battle to get the phone back ,resulting in me being harmed
he spent some time away from us and I was quite sure I was done with him.
I do have a 4 month old son with him and we are attending counseling together and seperately with a phycologist and so I felt I would give him one last chance.
he has been sober from online interaction and porn since August 2004 but was not free of masturbation until about a year later. This has been a hellish 2 yrs. he has attended SA meetings and read a minimal amount , but with exception to that his "recovery" has consisted of sober from acting out. His core issues and dysfuntion are still NOT being delt with and it seems to me ( and my physcologist thinks so as well) that while he stopped the porn/online he has made me his drug to a certain extent and his focus is entirely on me in most of his waking moments.
I feel somewhat like a smuck for letting him come home...but I do love him and he has a short period of time to show me he is taking his recovery VERY seriously and will start leaving me alon to try heal and deal with this as well ( whenever I was upset he could not just walk away ...even when I was screaming to be left alone.he was determined to fix it or make me feel better and he was invading my space and making things worse)
I am giving him a last chance , he has much work to do but I will NEVER allow verbal emotional or physical abuse to happen again. he I hope understands this truley. I have set aside money to get my own place for baby and me if need be. I know that I need to care for myself first and foremost and this last few yrs I have been no good for anyone...lost broken and scared.
We began going to church in the last few months and this has been somewhat of a ray of hope. I was raised in a pentacostal church but was away from it in my adulthood. My partner was raised catholic and he as well stopped going to church and was not in touch with God. We are dedicating our son in the church in a month.
With or without my partner I will continue to go and raise my son this way
I have been listening to WORD OF GOD SPEAK by MERCY ME alot lately.this has been a song that lifts me....but makes me cry....maybe thats a good thing though...just to surrender.....
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luckysidney
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Posted: Sat Sep 30th, 2006 12:22 am |
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Broken Diva.........
I am praying for you too.......God's blessings on you and your baby in this sad stressful time.
I especially love the song "praise you in this storm" --- hard to do, but a good reminder of God always being with us.....
I will praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands,
for you are who you are,
no matter where i am
and every tear that falls
you hold in your hand
and though my heart is torn
i will praise you in the storm
**hugs**
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