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jay___
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Posted: Mon Jun 12th, 2006 11:17 pm |
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I am 23 yrs old and have finally admitted to myself that I have an addiction to pornography/masturbation. It started as a once-in-a-while thing but it has grown into something I cannot control. Today, for example I messed up 3 times in about 5 hours. I'll download alot of porn at a time, but then I feel sick to my stomach each time I finish and always delete it off my hard drive and then swear to myself that it was the last time. It never is. I feel like I'm in a black hole with no hope of getting out.
I grew up in church, my family had us going 3 times a week. Even as a teenager/young adult I was going on my own and was even involved in the music ministry as a bassist. I have sunk so low since then. I have a wife and a baby at home, and I cannot tell you the revulsion with myself I feel when I get back into bed in the middle of the night with them after I have left to go into another room to look at pornography.
I have prayed, and pleaded, but anymore I feel spiritually numb. I feel like God has given up on me after I turned my back on him so many times. I feel stupid praying anymore, telling God I'm done with porn when even I suspect I'll be back to it. I have not really regularly attended church in about 2 1/2 years. I know I need to and go sporadically, but Sunday mornings are hard to get up on, especially when I've been up with porn on Saturday nights.
I feel enveloped in darkness. Everytime my wife touches my computer, I get terrified that she is going to find something that I forgot to delete or hide. I've even become afraid that I may say something in my sleep that will tip her off.
Please pray for me. I need it desperatley.
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Steve
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Posted: Tue Jun 13th, 2006 07:37 pm |
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Well Jay, I well certainly pray for you. I know where you're at with feeling frustrated and hopeless about getting better, but I want to assure you, that with God's grace you can get free of this.
My main exhortation to you is to seek help. Find a counselor and/or mentor who specializes in helping men get free of sexual addiction. Read everything you can about the recovery process, including all the atrticles on this web site. Every Man's Battle is a very good starter book, in my opinion.
In short, I really want to encourage you to NOT do this alone. Doing recovery alone, in my experience, rarely works. Somehow you've got to find people in your real life whom you can be "real" with in discussing where you're at with your pornography addiction. A Christ-centered group situation in which you're working with other men who are also working towards the same goal would be ideal.
I welcome your follow-up comments and questions.
Please hang in there and I just prayed for you! 
-Steve
Last edited on Fri Jun 23rd, 2006 01:31 am by Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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jay___
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Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2006 02:25 pm |
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Thanks for the encouragement. I agree with what you said about finding some people who can help me through this. I'm the worst at keeping myself accountable, so I need a support system like that a lot of the time.
On the plus side, it has been about a day and a half since I watched any pornography or masturbated. I know its not long, but I've been in some situations during that time in which I normally would have. When I was really tempted I came to this website and read some of the articles. It really made me look in the face what I was tempted to do, instead of thinking of the temporary pleasure I would get from it. Its been hard, and I suspect it is only going to get harder, but I keep telling myself its time to grow up and be a Godly man. If not now, then when?
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CJ
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Posted: Thu Jun 15th, 2006 01:24 am |
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jay___When I was really tempted I came to this website and read some of the articles. It really made me look in the face what I was tempted to do, instead of thinking of the temporary pleasure I would get from it. Its been hard, and I suspect it is only going to get harder, but I keep telling myself its time to grow up and be a Godly man. If not now, then when?
Jay -- this is probably the most important facet of the battle. Stop trying to fight the darkness -- just turn on a light. What I mean by that is every time you're tempted, do exactly what you did this last time -- it truly works.
CJLast edited on Thu Jun 15th, 2006 01:25 am by CJ
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jay___
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Posted: Fri Jun 16th, 2006 07:00 pm |
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" Stop trying to fight the darkness -- just turn on a light."
Thanks for that quote, it's great. That's what for years I had been trying to do, take it all on my self. I'm beginning to realize that I am small and weak and that's why I've got to lean on a God who is Big and Strong.
Today will be four days with no porn/self gratification, and I feel great. I know not to get cocky or content with this, as that is when the enemy will probably hit me hardest, but I do feel like God has given me a new lease on life. After years of feeling hopeless about this, I finally feel like I've got a shot. Not by might, nor by power, I guess.
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CJ
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Posted: Fri Jun 16th, 2006 07:53 pm |
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| Great outlook, Jay -- press into your Father -- He's the only one who can help you through this.
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jay___
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Posted: Sun Jun 18th, 2006 06:40 am |
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| Real tempted right now. A movie I was watching took an unexpected turn and showed people fooling around. It really got me wanting to download some porn. I am trying to stay strong and think about exactly what it is I want to do. About the people it would hurt if they found out. About having to answer for it to God. Its hard, though. I want to give in so bad.
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jay___
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Posted: Sun Jun 18th, 2006 10:04 am |
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| gratefully i became involved with something else, so I didn't give in. Really thought I might have there for a second. praise God. Last edited on Sun Jun 18th, 2006 10:06 am by jay___
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indoubt
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Posted: Mon Jun 19th, 2006 01:16 am |
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| I didn't respond to your post, although I probably should have. I am married to a man addicted to porn and was unable to sleep so I was on the website about the same time you were. I was praying for you. I'm SO glad to hear you found something else to occupy you. AMEN!.
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jay___
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Posted: Mon Jun 19th, 2006 04:47 am |
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| Truthfully, you have no idea what that means to me. Thank you.
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GoingToMakeIt
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Posted: Wed Jun 21st, 2006 08:24 pm |
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Last edited on Mon Jun 26th, 2006 07:26 pm by GoingToMakeIt
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jay___
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Posted: Thu Jun 22nd, 2006 05:54 am |
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I hear you brother. I probably have the same program you do, which usually I use to download music (i know, some people think its wrong). This is my chief means of getting pornography. I would never dare to keep actual hard copies of porn in the house for fear of getting caught. Its hard, it really is. You know its right there and that you can always get pretty much whatever kind of porn you are interested in at a given moment. I struggle with it almost every single day.
By the grace of God, it has been almost 10 days with no porn or masturbation. It has been extremely difficult and more than a couple of times I thought I would give in. Through prayer (my own as well as others on this forum) I have not given in.
I would be interested in teaming up with you to help us both out. Its nice to have a brother in arms sometimes. What do you propose?
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jay___
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Posted: Thu Jun 22nd, 2006 06:42 am |
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SOMETIMES I QUESTION WHETHER I AM ACTUALLY ADDICTED TO PORN. I CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I AM NOT “ADDICTED” LIKE A DRUG ADDICT WOULD BE AND THAT I JUST HAPPEN TO ENJOY WATCHING PORNOGRAPHY AND MASTURBATING. NEVER IS IT MORE OBVIOUS THAT THIS IS NOT THE CASE THEN TIMES LIKE RIGHT NOW. I WANT SO BADLY JUST TO GET OFF OF THE COMPUTER AND GO TO SLEEP. BUT I CAN’T MAKE MYSELF DO IT BECAUSE AT THE SAME TIME I WANT TO DOWNLOAD PORNOGRAPHY. WHEN I MAKE MYSELF REALIZE THAT I FEEL SO COMPELLED TO DO SOMETHING THAT I KNOW I REALLY DON’T WANT TO DO IT BECOMES PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS THAT GOES BEYOND A CASUAL DESIRE TO PARTICIPATE IN A LEISURE ACTIVITY. I HAVE AN ADDICTION. SO FAR I HAVE NOT DOWNLOADED OR LOOKED AT PORN. BUT I WANT TO. I EVEN KNOW THE EXACT THING I WOULD DOWNLOAD, THOUGH, I AM TRYING HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. THERE IS A SONG CALLED “WILDNERESS” BY A NOW-DEFUNCT BAND CALLED THE SUPERTONES AND IN IT THERE IS A LINE IN WHICH THE SINGER CHALLENGES GOD BY SAYING “HAVE YOU EVER FELT THE WEIGHT OF LOVING ALL THE THINGS YOU HATE?” I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT THIS PERFECTLY DESCRIBED MY OWN STRUGGLE WITH PORN/MASTURBATION. I HATE IT AND YET I LOVE IT.
The thing I have to remember is, as the singer in that song points out, that God does know how we feel and that when Jesus was in the wilderness he was severely tempted himself and that he passed through the fire untouched. This is what I hold to. It is not for me to try and fight the enemy because I will lose, just like every time I’ve tried to fight him in the past I’ve lost. I am so very weak and will give in. I will burn in the fire if left by myself. I am not by myself, though, and the sooner I can give my problem/desire/sin over to the Lord and let him fight it for me, the better I will be. Because He will not lose. He has already won. I take joy in that tonight. For, because He has won, so have I. Christ bore my sin on Calvary and there defeated my lust and perversion. It is already over. The battle already won, and so I don’t have to give in to my lust. For though they are stronger than me, they are nothing compared to my God.
“You want to take on me? You take on Elohim.” - Escape From Reason, Supertones
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GoingToMakeIt
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Posted: Thu Jun 22nd, 2006 04:28 pm |
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Last edited on Mon Jun 26th, 2006 07:13 pm by GoingToMakeIt
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