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freesaint
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Posted: Thu Feb 4th, 2010 04:45 pm |
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Hi everyone! First I appreciate any and all help everyone has to offer. Lord knows I need help!
Here’s the situation with my girlfriend who I know loves me and whom I love dearly. I’m 36 and she is 32 and neither of us have ever expressed these feelings towards anyone, in any of our past relationships. We’ve known each other over 6 months and have been dating for over 2 and it’s pretty serious. To the best of my knowledge and being led by Christ I believe He is truly the center of our relationship. I don’t mind being honest so, here goes! I have struggled since JR high with porn and masturbating. I have been seeking freedom in Christ for about 12 years through accountability partners and groups. I have had more victory in the past 8 months than I have had my entire life so, for me it’s a miracle.
About 4 weeks ago I felt led by the Holy Spirit to let my girlfriend know my past in general terms and she had expressed that she more/less had an idea because I didn’t have the internet or cable at my house. It was a pretty intense time and she even shared with me some of her struggles so, we seemed to be on even ground.
About 2 weeks later I had started my new accountability group and this raised some concern on her end because this seemed more serious than she had imagined. So, she had questions and I felt it was ok to answer her. Most of what she had asked me she felt relieved however, the fact I had looked at about 3 times since we started dating destroyed her. I broke her heart and she understandably felt betrayed which inherently broke my heart because I love her so much. We had decided to pray and fast for 3 days where we had no contact. After 3 days we met up and she decided, by the grace of God, that she didn’t want to throw in the towel and continue in a relationship. It was one of the hardest things in my life seeing just how much I hurt her. Lord forgive me!
The following week we talked about accountability. We decided to be accountable to each other but, I’m just unsure of to what extent. I feel led to tell her if I fall into looking at porn, which is sin I absolutely hate in my life thanks to the Holy Spirit but, beyond that I’m just not sure. This was only last week we talked about it and I’m feeling a lot of shame right now because I masturbated last night. I think it is attributed I feel like I’ve let my guard down in my fight for purity but, I had heard my neighbors going at it last night and it was all over for me in the blink of an eye. I feel like I’m 8 and I have to tell my parents I did something bad. On the flip side, I am really thankful right now because I didn’t look at porn and it’s really the last thing I want, for the most part. However, I’m not sure it’s healthy I tell her because she is only my girlfriend, as opposed to my wife, and we fight for purity in our relationship. I don’t want to plant thoughts and the last thing I would want her to tell me is if she had masturbated! I feel like at this point we need to decide on what level we are accountable to each other and I’m little terrified because she might not be satisfied in me not telling her if I’ve masturbated during the course of our dating relationship. My heart would be utterly broken if she felt like should couldn’t continue in the relationship because of it. Anyway, all and all we both believe the Lord is leading in this relationship but, to what extent neither of us are really sure.
There are a lot of details I’ve left out so, if there in anything unclear feel free to ask questions!
Thanks in advance for any and all help!
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Feb 4th, 2010 06:42 pm |
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Hi freesaint,
It sounds like when you discussed accountability that it was not clearly defined.
Generally speaking, it is advisable to be honest about what she has said she specifically wants to know, so clarification is important.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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freesaint
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Posted: Thu Feb 4th, 2010 08:56 pm |
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Yeah, we didn't really clarify what we are specifically accountable for aside from the pornography. We will need to talk at some point and place boundaries because I believe there are some things that will inherently put the purity of the relationship at risk and that’s ultimately what we are fighting for. There is also a part of me right now that feels like I’m not being completely honest with her and it was actually hard to look her in the eyes this afternoon because I feel like she could see right through me. I feel like I’m hiding from her especially since I’ve been completely honest and vulnerable about where I’m at in my life and what I struggle with. I kind of feel sick to my stomach right now about the whole thing even though I’ve been praying and seeking the Helper. 
I guess my big question is: is it inappropriate to discuss things like masturbation with your girlfriend/boyfriend outside engagement and marriage? Again, I would NOT want to know if she had been struggling in this area because that just plants thoughts in my head and even arouse me! I honestly can’t speak for her because she is a girl and it might not even be an arousal issue for her knowing I’ve masturbated.
Anyway, thanks for your reply!Last edited on Thu Feb 4th, 2010 09:02 pm by freesaint
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Feb 4th, 2010 09:51 pm |
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Hi Freesaint,
While you may not be engaged, it sounds like the relationship is growing. I believe that you are very wise to be sensitive to possible triggers, and how they could impact the purity of the relationship. While you would need a degree of privacy to discuss such sensitive topics, just be sure that it is not too private. When the two of you clarify what information each of you prefers to know, then honesty, even if it leads to the conclusion of this relationship, is going to be the only hope for building trust. Hiding/lying now will only more deeply wound/destroy trust when it comes to light, which it will, in the future.
Have you tried the course at Setting Captives Free?
TruthSeeker
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Keith7
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Posted: Fri Feb 5th, 2010 06:49 am |
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This is kind of a tough one - I'm in a similar situation with my girlfriend. We have been dating for four months, and I did not struggle with the addiction at all in our relationship until about two weeks ago. Thankfully, she has been very supportive and wants to see me win this battle, but I came to the conclusion that it is probably best not to tell her about each time I've fallen.
Rather, I'm asking her to keep me accountable in my seeking help for this and doing the things I need to do to overcome this. Currently, I'm going through the Inner Gold workbook, which,requires me to do certain exercises as I go through the workbook - I'm asking for her help in making sure I do the exercises.
Also, I've told her that if she asked me if I have struggled, I won't lie to her, but at the same time, I won't volunteer the information about each time I've fallen if she doesn't ask. I told her that it might be better if I occasionally told her how I'm doing in general (e.g. last week, I messed up, this week I'm doing better, etc.), because I don't know how healthy it is to tell her about every time I've fallen. I think what is important is for her to know that I'm doing something about it, and one way she can help is to keep me accountable for getting help.
One more thing I'd like to add is to not get into too many details - there are things she probably doesn't need to know - or wouldn't really WANT to know for that matter. So, ultimately, its about being open and honest with her, without going to unnecesary details. Having said that, I think it would be good to try and get some male accountability.
I don't know if there are any right or wrong answers here, although its important to keep in mind that its a whole different ball game when you are married - I think that is the time to be totally open about every time you do struggle. Having said that, its important to try and do what you can now to overcome this before you are married, but also realize that this is a process that takes time - you will always need to be on your guard because of the complexity of this addiction, even though you may THINK you have overcome it. Marriage won't necesarily "fix" the issue, but the more you can do BEFORE you are married to overcome the addiction, the better off you will be when you are married.
Last edited on Fri Feb 5th, 2010 06:55 am by Keith7
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TM2
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Posted: Fri Feb 5th, 2010 10:01 am |
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Marriage won't necesarily "fix" the issue,
That's sure true. Any residual belief that marriage does anything to treat the addiction is an extraordinarily dangerous delusion. Want to make people laugh at an SAA meeting? Say, "So I thought I'd get married and that would solve my problem . . ." We've all thought that, and it wasn't true for any of us. Marriage just increases the level of hurt we are capable of causing, both to ourselves and to our spouses. A lot.
Tim M.Last edited on Fri Feb 5th, 2010 10:02 am by TM2
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freesaint
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Posted: Fri Feb 5th, 2010 06:50 pm |
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Hi Keith. Thanks for sharing and for your honesty. It’s nice to know someone is going through a similar situation.
Yes, I completely agree and I’ve always questioned when people told me to get married and that would solve the issues. Such a subtle deception.
I was feeling a lot of anxiety yesterday in the possibly of me having to tell her and not knowing how she will feel about it. The other part of the anxiety came from not knowing if it’s appropriate or not to share this kind of detail. While I was exercising last night it hit me, “You need to talk to her about the accountability and what is expected.” It took me 24 hours to get to that place and I feel like it was the Lord. Beyond that I’m not sure but, I love her and I am willing to be completely vulnerable and honest with her but, I want to make sure it is still pleasing to the Lord and that it’s His will for us.
Keith, I had a question for you. You mentioned you had dated for 4 months without struggling and you started struggling 2 weeks ago. If you are willing I would love to hear what happened to cause you to struggle? I feel like I’m daily walking a very thin, weak line in the battle against temptation and sin even though I believe the Holy Spirit has imparted a hatred for my sin because of how much it’s robbed me of my life and walking in who I truly am in Christ. I absolutely fear looking at porn knowing how badly it hurt my girlfriend and how it broke my hurt to see how much it really affected her. I’m also being filled with a deep reverence of the cross and how I believe I’ve made a mockery of it with my life. There is a part of me now that perceives porn as cheating on her and I’ve always been a loyal person especially regarding girls I’ve dated in the past so it gives me some weaponry in the fight for purity. I think I need to meditate on how masturbation is a very selfish act and that it is a sin against your own body.
Yeah, male accountability is key and I fully agree it’s necessary for redemption. I’ve been accountable for the most part to guys and groups for 12 years and I’ve learned a lot about sexual temptation and sin and how we, as guys, think and act. I am actually in a group and we go through a book called Pure Desire which I just started and it’s really good. I definitely suggest that and Every Single Man’s Battle and Wild at Heart (not done with it yet but, it gives me chills when I read it).
Anyway, would love to keep this thread alive because I’m sure there are more guys and gals that are in similar situations.
Btw, a pretty intense verse for those dealing with any form of sexual sin:
1 Corinthians 6:12-20 (New King James Version)
Glorify God in Body and Spirit
12 All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. 13 Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods, but God will destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 And God both raised up the Lord and will also raise us up by His power.
15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! 16 Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.”[a] 17 But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.
18 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
Be encouraged and know that Christ is working in and through you and is faithful to complete His work in you. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all everything you need shall be added unto you.Last edited on Fri Feb 5th, 2010 06:51 pm by freesaint
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freesaint
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Posted: Tue Feb 9th, 2010 08:30 pm |
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Hi everyone. I just wanted to say I really appreciate everyone's help and prayers. It really has been helpful and I'm really seeing the Lord in all this.
I was working out at hom the day before I was planning on talking with her and halfway through my workout I got this impression, "Just talk to her and what is expected concerning accountability." I instantly felt relief because I believe it was the Holy Spirit. I am a very slow learner and it took me 2 days to simply know that I just need to talk to her without necessarily telling her about my sin. I really felt like I had been seeking the Lord in this but, I couldn't help but feel tormented about the whole thing.
Anyway, we met up the next day and I had told her I needed to chat about what's been on my heart the past few days. I felt like I was fumbling my words but, she understood. She wasn't angry or hurt but, we both didn't necessariy know what level of accountability we wanted. After talking and praying for awhile we decided if masturbation was a regular thing then that would be a hugh issue and we need to bring that up. If it happens every once in awhile, which I hope it never does again, then we need to just take it up with the Lord. Once all was said and done we just prayed together and the Holy Spirit really brought His peace.
For anyone who is dealing with a similar situation with their significant other, brutal honesty and seeking counsel outside the relationship really is key for a healthy relationship as well as abiding in Him daily and making sure He is first in you life as well as the center of the relationship.
I would love to hear from anyone who is dealing with similar situations!
Seek first the Kingdom of heaven and His rightousness and everything you need will be added unto you.
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