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vertigolf
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Posted: Wed Jun 24th, 2009 12:08 am |
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Hello everyone.
I am new to this forum, and need people to keep myself accountable to, so here I am.
I feel like the scum of the earth to say the least. I am in my early twenties, just finishing
college, and to be married in December (before I go further, anything in this post is
already known by my fiancee). I have been addicted to porn (of sorts - lingerie ads) and
masturbation for the past eight or nine years. It seems like I can get a week or two
at the most away from it, and it sucks me back in like a magnet.
I'm sick of it, I've been sick of it for years, and it feels like I can't stop.
I don't know what to do. I know that God forgives me. That might be the hardest part
in this whole situation. It seems like I can't forgive myself. I know I screwed up, and I
don't deserve this great life God has handed me.
It feels like I'm scared of God. On one hand, my mind knows that he forgives me and is
still there for me, but it feels like I can't truly accept it and go over to him crying out for
help. It's like there's this thin wall - I can get close enough to hear God, but not close
enough to truly see him in my life. It scares me. I want God and Jesus in my life, and
do everything I can for God, rather than let this perverse addiction overwhelm me, but
I seem to do nothing about it. It's like no matter how hard I hunt after God, I keep
screwing up over and over again. I can't shake my own guilt, no matter how hard I try.
I don't honestly know what I'm looking for by posting here. Maybe accountability.
Maybe discussion. I'm not sure, but here I am. I feel disgusting.
Sam
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TM2
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Posted: Wed Jun 24th, 2009 01:29 am |
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Welcome! One thing you find by coming here is companionship and acceptance from others.
One of the things I had to do in order to begin to get better, and I think many people are like me, ws to top thinking of my problem purely in moral terms and to try to step away from the shame and the self-hatred. It's a disease, not a disgrace, and beating ourselves up is part of the addictive cyle of self loathing followed by addictive acting out to medicate the self loathing followed by more self loathing after acting out.
One approach to this addiction is to treat it like any other addiction. That means taking the psychological part of it seriously by getting counseling and it means setting out with the help of others to build a new way of life through 12-step or other support groups. It means a lot of reading and prayer and meditation and step work and sharing with other addicts. It means learning a whole new way to live and to be.
That's a big project, but the rewards are enormous. As the AA Big Book says,
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant Promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Oh, yeah, and we can learn to be sober.
Welcome again. May you find the peace you seek.
Tim M.
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vertigolf
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Posted: Wed Jun 24th, 2009 02:03 am |
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TM2 wrote:
One of the things I had to do in order to begin to get better, and I think many people are like me, ws to top thinking of my problem purely in moral terms and to try to step away from the shame and the self-hatred. It's a disease, not a disgrace, and beating ourselves up is part of the addictive cyle of self loathing followed by addictive acting out to medicate the self loathing followed by more self loathing after acting out.
This is definitely something I have problems with. It is very difficult for me to not feel
self-hatred when I do things like this. It is so difficult to comprehend - I know I
shouldn't be doing this, and why, and I do anyway!?! It frustrates me to no end
and I suppose I do feel a pretty strong level of self-hatred. I'm really hard on
myself over this issue.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Jun 24th, 2009 06:30 am |
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Hi vertigolf,
Welcome to BG. I am a spouse, not an addict, so please forgive if I parrot what I have read.
Things to consider include the roots/origins of your experience, familial relationships, especially the one with your father, and any difficult emotions, past or present, which you may be seeking to numb/escape.
You might also seek out a
Celebrate Recovery
group in your area.
Please keep in mind, as he relates in the latter portion of Romans 7, that the apostle Paul, entrusted to pen much of the New Testament, struggled to keep from doing the evil he loathed. We don't know what that was precisely, but we do not need to. It is enough to know that we are in such esteemed company, and, like Paul, to keep running the race and fighting the good fight.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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john
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Posted: Wed Jun 24th, 2009 10:37 am |
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| It's good to meet you, Sam. I'm glad you are taking steps to break free from this unwanted behavior. What do you believe the next step is for you?
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vertigolf
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Posted: Wed Jun 24th, 2009 10:25 pm |
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Please keep in mind, as he relates in the latter portion of Romans 7, that the apostle Paul, entrusted to pen much of the New Testament, struggled to keep from doing the evil he loathed.
I actually read this portion of Romans last night. I frequently read it to remind myself of the very thing you stated - that even Paul had the same problems with not doing the good he desired. It comforts me a little, to be sure - it reminds me that God has a purpose for me as well, and is still forgiving with me, even though I struggle with evil.
What do you believe the next step is for you?
In all reality, I'm not sure. I have made myself transparent to my fiancee, which was incredibly hard - she has forgiven me, but I know I have really hurt her with this - she doesn't quite understand, and seems to take it as a little bit of a slight against her (understandable, but false). All in all though, she has been very supportive throughout this fight.
I'm hoping that this forum helps a little too - I hope that it will help to discuss this issue openly and keep myself accountable to all of you (whomever you are - and thank you!).
I know that I need to draw closer to God. It feels like I do not have a very close relationship with him (I know that God is there, wanting one too - but it seems like I'm not doing a very good job on the other end) - I do not rely on him very well, nor seek him out very well, and I know that needs to change. I want a close relationship with God, and have prayed for it, but I'm not sure what to do.
And as far as the accountability end is concerned, there were no problems today. Thank God! 
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john
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Posted: Wed Jun 24th, 2009 11:09 pm |
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I hope you don't mind me asking reflective questions. I am trained in Christian life coaching, so it is kind of how I operate!
If you were giving counsel to someone else in your situation, what might you say to them? What steps might they be afraid to take?
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vertigolf
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Posted: Thu Jun 25th, 2009 02:05 am |
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No, by all means, continue asking questions! I don't mind at all, and indeed, it's not
bad to think about.
What might you say to them? What steps might they be afraid to take?
If someone came to me in this situation, looking for counsel, I'm not quite sure
what I would say to them. I imagine it would comfort them to know that I've been
down the same road - I know for myself, even after seeing people online who have
been where I have, it is easy to believe that you are a horrible outcast, that no one
would ever ever do this - anyone! And to know that there are others does help,
for support, and for understanding, when others in that persons life may not fully
understand the struggle involved.
Another thing that I would emphasize is the fact that no matter how badly they have
fallen, God hasn't abandoned them. God is still waiting there to forgive them and
hasn't condemned them or given up on them.
What steps they might be afraid to take is a much easier question to answer.
Opening up to others is probably the hardest step that I imagine anyone who fights
through this addiction has. As mentioned above, it feels very outcast-ish, as if no
one has ever gone through this before. It would leave that person in a very
vulnerable position, especially if that individual stands to lose face over it, or hurt
those close to him. (However, if a person was coming to me for counsel, they've
apparantly gotten over that somewhat
It is an interesting question. My initial reaction was "Come on - no one is going to
come to me for counsel. No one I know could be going through this." Which is
interesting, because I'm sure there are many people in my life who could think the
same about me! It seems that this is a very hush-hush addiction that is prevalent,
yet no one talks about. Alcoholism, drugs, are all acceptable addictions to talk about,
it seems. But a porn addiction?? *Gasp!* I wonder why it is so taboo - well, as
opposed to other things. It seems to me that it would be far easier for people such
as myself to recover if it were more acceptable to talk about with others - family, in
church, etc, rather than making it seem like that person is a horrible outcast.
A little bit of a long, rambling post, but its a little late at night. Thank you all for your
responses and your prayers. God bless you all.
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LoveSick4God
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Posted: Thu Jun 25th, 2009 04:53 am |
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Hey there, don't ever give up on fighting. Even thoguh some days it feels like there's no fight left inside of us...we have to keep pressing on and pressing in to God's healing. He is SO crazy in lvoe with you and wants to see you free from these sexual habits/addictions. He doesn't want you free because He's so sick of seeing you screw up or because He's ready for you to get all your ducks in a row, as religion teaches us. He wants to see you free because He loves you and wants you to live your life to the fullest and have an intimate relationship with Jesus and to love those around you with the same love that you recieve from Him.
When you stumble, look at porn or masturbate, don't beat yourself up, but ask God to convict you with His love and reveal to you in a deeper sense of the fact that God is the ONLY one who can truly satisfy the hole inside of your heart. Not porn, not masturbation, not sex or any other pleasueable thing in this life. They do give pleasure, but only for a brief moment, and then what's after that? There is such pleasure in being loved by God and loving God. Nothing measures up to it, and God wants you to have it to the fullest extent.
God loves you as you are, not because of what you do. And now it's your choice of hoe you're going to return your love to God.
You can overcome this addiction with God's healing.
If I've learned anythnig in my struggle with masturbation and porn addiction, it's that "sexual sobreity" is never enough. We can white-knuckle our way throgh a week or a month without acting out, but when push comes to shove, what's going to hold us up? And we end up doing the same thing over and over again.
Sexual addiction is a heart issue, far more than just a physical act. And so overcoming it is also more than just a physical act. We have to let God inside of our hearts and open up to Him and let Him heal us from the inside out. Ask God to dig up things from the past that have led you to confide in these sexual habits as a form of comfort and refuge, and I guarantee you that you will find things stored deep inside of you that you never could have guessed were there. I've seen it time and time again in my own life. And as God reveals these things, He heals them and sets us free from the roots that led to these addictions.
You can do it! Keep on keepin' on and staying clean! God is greater! He is inside of you and you can get free and stay free!
-LoveSick4God
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Jun 25th, 2009 07:00 pm |
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That is it - the heart.
I was praying around mealtime tonight because I'd been bombarded with temptation for some of the day and I admitted to God that I was being tempted. Giving in is to experience some transient pleasure with a big cost attached. I prayed words to the effect "I surrender myself at this point to you, Jesus, because I can't cope with it - without your new nature inside, without your strength to fight off the temptations, I am not going to see freedom from this."
I can't remember my exact words.
Since then, have been tempted some more. It is frighteningly tough to fight this. More surrender each day, fresh commitment, is the only way.
Last edited on Thu Jun 25th, 2009 07:01 pm by guitarist63
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vertigolf
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Posted: Thu Jun 25th, 2009 11:49 pm |
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Today was a little tougher, not going to lie. It seems that once I get the thought in
my head, it is very difficult to pry loose. However, thanks to God, I have remained
clean again.
If I've learned anythnig in my struggle with masturbation and porn addiction, it's that "sexual sobreity" is never enough.
I absolutely agree. Just staying clean is not enough. I have been able to stay
clean for a week, two weeks, maybe even three many times in the past nine years,
but it feels like magnet, and just sucks me back in. That's why I know this time I need
to completely surrender to God and do anything I need to to have a relationship with
him.
It is frighteningly tough to fight this.
Agreed. But what is really odd is, for me in the past, I've never considered that!
For some reason, I always thought "If I'm really accepting God the way I should, it'll
be a breeze! A piece of cake - I'll be able to walk away and never even think about
going back!". For some reason, I thought that if I struggled or was tempted, that I
wasn't doing a good enough job (or something like that) - that I wasn't trying hard
enough to trust in God and surrender to his will for me.
Again, thank you all for your posts, comments, questions, and support
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hadbmin
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Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2009 10:22 pm |
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I'm needing some help.I will get that here.I was addicted for it grew and now I'm going to give my greatest commitment to stop and remove this from my life pathway.Concerning me, pornography and masterbation have increased dramatically and this is not acceptable.I hope to remain honest, maybe if I had to answer about what I do sometimes then I would have to decide about being honest or open about my struggle.I don't need to worry I know being honest now is important.Thats why I'm here on the internet this day, to resist those temptations and make commitment a reality.
I remember as a young christian that misdirection can make things very hard . That I have had many years of loneliness and weariness.Actually when I repented of my many sins there were lifting from guilt but a honest evaluation in myself that I was not pure.And now years later I have honestly suffered through adversity so much that I'm alone much and shamed and wicked things have me thinking of how weak and hopeless my life is.
I figure if theres a way of staying open to those here and leaning only a little on your patience and honestly, then I will overcome this cruel and decieving trial I have been channeled into.I'm very hopeful that this will end my struggles as I have known them and release me into a different way of life that I truly hope for.
As a young boy, preteen age,some person that was sexually aroused brought me closer to sexual lust and later the sexual desire got be more.Over the years I know that I have had masterbation and also in thinking about sex in secret. I feel shamed and like I'm not good, to put it nicely. As a man I'm not happy or as a christian.
Let me stay and share as I go forth in Jesus mercy to me.
And your efforts are blessed in God for those here that are working and living to become free from pornography and sexual addiction.
____________________
Hikcop
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Sep 14th, 2009 01:17 am |
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Hi Hikcop,
Welcome back. It is wonderful to consider that His mercies are new every morning.
What ways can you think of to break out of the isolation in your real life?
Have you looked at SAA or Celebrate Recovery?
What Scripture passages can you commit to memory so you have them at hand to fight the temptations with the Word the way Jesus did in the wilderness?
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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