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Pax
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Posted: Tue Jun 3rd, 2008 07:26 pm |
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Dear Brothers & Sisters in Christ,
I chose to post in Accountability as I need to share my recent experiences. My heart is full to bursting with sadness/brokenness over my recent acting out in online sex chat rooms. I went again yesterday, and started by just looking on and off throughout the day, and then paid for chat/sex. I rationalized it as being okay, but it is not okay...Not to me or to my heart or to my God.
As being accountable, I checked back on my Visa to see how much I have actually spent recently. It was in the $600-700 range in the last month alone. Any amount is unacceptable, but this is ridiculous. I cannot believe it has become this bad. I'm so remorseful, and repentant in my heart. I am also very grateful for this feeling as I know the prayers I have asked for are helping, and God is healing my heart and mind.
I ordered "Breaking Free" by Russell Willingham online and should get it in a few days. So thanks to this forum and for the sharing of other fellow sex addicts and their families. I have had sexual addiction issues since childhood. My father gave us boys porn at 4-5 years old, as he didn't want us to grow up gay. I found as a child, it didn't matter how scary or crazy life was at home, I could retreat or hide in sexual fantasies, and feel better or at least different than how I was feeling at the time.
Unfortunetly, it just continues into adolescence and adulthood, and robs you of real experiences with real people, as the fantasy becomes bigger than reality. I am a third generation sex addict; as my grandfather and father both struggled with sexual addiction in their lives. I am hopeful as I have God & Jesus in my heart and life guiding me, and I am thankful to this community of broken brothers & sisters who have found healing through Christ.
The Peace of Christ to All,
Pax
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Jun 3rd, 2008 08:40 pm |
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Welcome Pax
Thanks for your honest testimony and clear signs of wanting to repent and turn from that lifestyle.
I am touched by what you say about being exposed to the porn from such a tender age. At four to five years of age is apalling abuse. In your shoes, I'd have a hard job to forgive my father for doing that. That's a very wicked thing he did and the verse that springs to mind in the bible is the one where Jesus talks about one who leads the little ones astray. Better for him to have a mill stone hung round his neck and to be drowned in the sea. Although Jesus wasn't specifically referring to child abusers (whether that's your own family or outside of the family) it covers it and many other kinds of abuse.
I am sad for you but also glad that you're determined to give this struggle to God and seek to be delivered from it.
It's an addictive, habitual as well as sinful behaviour but nothing is impossible for God. He will set you free, if you let him.
He'll do the same for me but it's taking a long time. Over a year now and I'm still stuck with "m" although delivered from porn.
I noted down your prayer request and will do my best to remember you.
Last edited on Tue Jun 3rd, 2008 08:42 pm by guitarist63
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Pax
Member
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Posted: Thu Jun 5th, 2008 05:43 pm |
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Thank you guitarist63 for your response to my post. I didn't know what to say in response, but my heart is prompting me to share about my father. I do forgive him, and understand his sick actions, even if I would never do that to my children.
I guess he paid for his actions/various addictions by finally killing himself when I was between 5-7 yrs. old. He died three times during a drug overdose, but the doctors kept bringing him back to life. He lived, but had permanent brain damage the rest of his adult life.
As a result of this happening to my father, my father's mother, my grandmother, and many in her household became Christians. My father accepted Christ too. I never heard my father say he loved me until I was about 29 or 30 years old and it was genuine and caring.
The quote from the bible that comes to me is from the Lord's Prayer. "Fogive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us." My father has passed on, and is with God and Jesus in paradise. His sins forgiven, and he is embraced by a loving forgiving merciful God.
Peace of Christ to All,
Pax
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Jun 5th, 2008 10:31 pm |
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Pax,
Thank you for sharing about your father and I'm very glad to hear that he turned from his sinful ways and became a Christian. I'm also glad to hear that you have forgiven him.
There are people in my family who still bear the scars of sexual abuse in the family and there was no reconciliation.
May God give you strength to overcome these sexual sins and I pray the same for myself.
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Man
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 12:26 am |
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Thanks for your sharing about your family Guitarist.
____________________
May the Lord bless you all!
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Pax
Member
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 04:36 pm |
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Hi guitarist63,
Thank you for sharing the painful experiences in your family. I have prayed for healing and for reconciliation for your family. I will continue to pray for you too, and try to be gentle with yourself, as I know how hard we can be on ourselves.
One of the best things anyone every told me concerning abuse was it wasn't my fault...and it wasn't our fault. We did not do anything to deserve it. It just happened, and God uses manure to make flowers grow. I know it stinks but it really does make flowers grow. Or scripturally if you prefer, God uses evil for His good purposes.
With God's Light,
Pax
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guitarist63
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 11:17 pm |
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Thanks, Pax
Thanks Man
I really appreciate your prayers for my family. It goes to show how prevalent sexual abuse in families is. Members of my family have experienced it on both sides - maternal and paternal. What I've gone through is just a scratch compared with the terrible trials they've gone through. It makes you wonder how parents can be like that with their children.
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Pax
Member
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Posted: Wed Jun 11th, 2008 05:20 pm |
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Hi Brothers & Sisters In Christ,
I just wanted to give an update to all the people who have been praying for me and for my recovery/healing. I am doing better, less lust overall, and no acting out in chat room, self gratification or otherwise.
I am on Lesson 6 at SettingTheCaptivesFree.com, and finding it challenging and rewarding at the same time. I have a great mentor, and accountability partner/friend who is guiding me through this process.
I am grateful for this site, and the help and resources it provides for people struggling with sexual addiction. I hope to be able to give more of my time and resources in the future to help in whatever way I can.
Thank you for your prayers and all your loving actions,
Living in the Light of Our Lord Jesus...Praise Him!
Pax
PS. I have also been reading "Breaking Free" by Russell Willingham, and beginning to understand what has been happening to me in regards to my Sexual Addiction from the authours perspective and I am hopeful it can be of help too.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Wed Jun 11th, 2008 09:01 pm |
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Very gladdened to hear you good news, Pax and will continue prayers for your Captives Free course and continued deliverance from this
It's very good to hear about your mentor. I'm confident that you will make progress in leaps and bounds, provided you rely entirely on God to enable you accomplish it.
Last edited on Wed Jun 11th, 2008 09:03 pm by guitarist63
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