| Author | Post |
|---|
Steve425
Member
| Joined: | Mon Sep 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 2 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 11:08 am |
|
My story is pretty much similar to most people. I was first exposed to inappropriate material between the ages of 7 and 9 when I found a magazine under my dad's bed. As a young teen, I was pretty ignorant, then found stuff that my older brother brought home, began m, not knowing really what would happen, then it became a regular habit. Had an experience with a friend in the neighborhood. After this point I became a Christian, and guilt began with the m. I had a girlfriend in high school who allowed a lot, dated a girl in college with whom I went pretty far. I didn't get back into inappropriate material again until after college when I lived alone, and it came and went. I too thought marriage would "cure" me, but within a few months of marriage I was back into the stuff from time to time. I was sober for years, no m, leader in the church, etc. Within in the past 2 years it has been an ongoing and increasing problem. I filmed myself and posted on an adult website and then took it down. I found an online simulation world and quickly got into acting out with avatars. I confessed to a friend who had similar problems and he said I needed to stop the online simulation which I did. It seemed to me that with that I had really gone past a line. At that time my wife was suspicious, and though I initially denied any involvement, I did eventually confess.
Then I found a cam chat site, bought a camera, and began privately sharing camera with people online, both male and female. After a long weekend alone, my wife found traces of my online activity and confronted me.
Trips alone to visit a parent became almost night-long online sessions. Now I am on a trip alone and went to two adult places yesterday.
I have become almost numb - sometimes the online sessions and the adult places seem to have been experienced by another person and not me. My godly wife would be devastated if she knew what I did yesterday. So many people look up to me as a spiritual leader, including my grown children, and I know that whatever good they see has been a work of the Holy Spirit and they have no idea of the blackness inside of me.
I know it is no excuse, but my wife and I rarely experience sexual intimacy anymore. She has physical problems that make intercourse painful, so we have resorted to other methods to very infrequently satisfy my needs. There is a lack of imagination on her part, and any suggestions on my part are met with sceptisicsm and I am sure a wondering on her part as to whether I learned about this in an inappropriate manner.
I need the Godly sorrow that produces repentance, but at this point all I have is a fear of being caught.
|
sam
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 244 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |   |
|
Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 11:41 am |
|
hi steve,
man, your story of progression in this addiction really scares me. i guess i can see myself following in your path. i am really glad that you see your problem and desire god to change your heart. i will be praying that god not only gives you the strength to stop all inappropriate behavior you have been doing, but that he will heal your wife of whatever problem she has that causes difficulty in lovemaking.
sam
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 796 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 07:56 pm |
|
Hi Steve425,
I, too, am praying for conviction of the Holy Spirit and a repentent heart.
If you are serious about change, I strongly recommend, as a stepping stone, having your wife install a strong filter such as Safe Eyes, to which she would have the administrator password and would receive alerts about suspicious activity. It sounds like accountability for your time is also needed. What is most needed, however, is christian counsel and accountability in your real life. Marital intimacy is a beautiful gift that God has given us to bond with our spouse in marriage; it was never intended to enslave us through insatiable lust. While counsel that might assist your wife in maintaining intimacy within her physical limitations might help, God is not going to ask about her availability when you are called to give account of your fidelity.
TruthSeeker
|
wishfull
Member
| Joined: | Wed May 28th, 2008 |
| Location: | Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 6 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Jun 3rd, 2008 04:19 am |
|
Steve I understand your problem -kinda been there! It does seem like after awhile that you just dont care.I,m not sure if its because you keep getting away with it or what. Maybe its just giving up and giving in but what ever the reason Its your life here that will slip away and is slipping away.The sooner you stop and turn around the better. The other thing is your testimony will be damaged if it isnt already .I told myself for awhile that I was just filling in for what my wife couldnt supply --and then after awhile I knew that wasnt true.I didnt try , I could have helped her get things done so we could have found the energy. There are a lot of ways to be intament in a marriage, and any and all of them are better for you both, then the sin your engaging in. It would be better to talk to her and tell her your struggles and find a way to deal with it. The hole your trying to fill in you, might be another thing to look into. Its tough some times to know weather your saved or just struggling in sin, alot of christians are getting caught in it .Good luck and may God bless .
|
Wilderness Voice
Member
| Joined: | Fri Jul 6th, 2007 |
| Location: | Arkansas USA |
| Posts: | 161 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Jun 3rd, 2008 12:05 pm |
|
It's called being "hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." I know, because I spent years of my life in the pit. Years and years of having your solar plexus, your veins, your nerves, your brain functioning, filled with and affected by the chemistry of lust actually alters one's judgment. One becomes spiritually blind. Just as Romans says: and they became vain in their imaginations and their foolish heart was darkened. Our inner vision becomes dark and we are so used to it we don't realize the horrible state that we are in. It is like when Jesus told the Laodecian church in Revelations 3: [17] Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked:
If we are comforting ourselves in the midst of returning again and again to heinous sin, we have succombed to the deceitfulness of sin. Our naked acts of lust are seen as spiritual nakedness before God. If we unclothe that which should not be unclothed, we have made ourselves naked. These are hard sayings. But the hard sayings of the Bible are medicine to the soul. They are the two-edged sword that will cut away sin.
God Bless you in your diligent search for a place of repentance in Him. If it is a change you seek - it is conversion you seek. Peter gave forth the formula in Acts 3: [19] Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord.
Wilderness Voice
Read My Testimony in Introduction and other postings if you want to know my story of deliverance and freedom from a deeply sinful life. Seven years by God's grace and His guiding of my steps in this wicked world. His Rod of Correction and Staff of Steering are my comfort, knowing that He will bring that watchfulness, sterness, and discipline, in the greatest of Loves to lead me in paths of righteousness while I walk on this earth, which surely is the Valley of the shadow of death. The death of sin abounds at every hand and we must walk carefully in His Light to be protected from the wickedness and snares of the devil. Oh how we desperately need the Rod and the Staff of God in this hour of time; being turned unto our fathers lest God smite the earth with a curse!!
Last edited on Tue Jun 3rd, 2008 12:12 pm by Wilderness Voice
|
Man
Member
| Joined: | Sat Aug 19th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 430 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Jun 4th, 2008 09:36 pm |
|
Wilderness Voice: I feel that your post is very hard and very explaining from above. I don't feel comfortable at all with this post.
Wilderness Voice: What is it that you want to achieve when you write this post?
Thanks for your honest post Steve.
Thanks
|
Steve425
Member
| Joined: | Mon Sep 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 2 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Jul 27th, 2008 04:44 pm |
|
| Well its been a month and a half since my last post. I haven't been back to adult places, but I have indulged when I have had the opportunity. I realize how personally destructive it is and how much I fit into the pattern in some of the articles here of self-centeredness, etc. I want to make a change and realize I don't have the power to do it on my own, however when I seek to pray or read Scripture or sit in worship, the images and on-line conversations come back to me and my mind goes right back to the same old thing.
|
minuspride
Member
| Joined: | Wed Jul 16th, 2008 |
| Location: | New York USA |
| Posts: | 25 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Jul 28th, 2008 07:27 pm |
|
Steve425m Make sure you are not going through recovery on your own. It is time to bring together a team and draft/enlist the support of your wife, counseling, SAA group etc. This is a very powerful addiction and it takes a lot of time, patience, education and prayer. You are not capable of helping yourself, period. You're in my prayers.
No P or M for 3 Days (Thank You LORD).
|
Paulos
Member
| Joined: | Fri Aug 24th, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 145 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Jul 29th, 2008 07:21 pm |
|
Steve425,
By practice you've trained your memory and inclinations to keep going back to a certain type of material for comfort. The task before you is to re-train them to seek solid satisfactions in healthy areas of life. It takes months or years for past habits to fade as you drill in new patterns by repetition. If your memory is alive and well you can't blame it for bringing back what you've fed in. When past images or conversations haunt you, don't try to get rid of them by wishing them away. Better to distract the mind from them by directing it to something else, whatever legitimately claims your attention and energy at the moment. One man I know, whose real name is actually Steve, described to me how he eventually got on top of lust by deliberately refocusing again and again, but, he said, "It took a long time."
When you pray, could you not make use of written prayers for a while (Psalms, hymns, published collections, etc.) to keep your mind on the rails? When you read the Bible, don't look under every verse for some solution to your problem with erotica. The Bible is interested in all kinds of other things too. Let it define for you what's worth pondering, even if initially you don't experience a sudden, vital interest in every topic addressed.
|
Current time is 02:49 am | |
|
|
|
RSS