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keeping myself accountable

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dejarlo
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Posted: Tue Apr 15th, 2008 05:54 pm

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I hope to write fairly frequently in this thread. I'll write about my ups and downs and how things have been going. So, I'll start today.
The past few days have been really good. I have been able to start my day with Bible study and prayer, and that helps me keep my mind focused. I have been tempted to lust after women I have seen, but, with God's help, have been able to shift my focus to something else quickly. I am busy and that is good. Downtime is the hardest time for me because my mind wanders. It has been about 6 days since I last masturbated and I haven't looked at pornography in a few weeks. But I know that it's so easy to fall. I've been at this point a few times before and I am still fighting this fight, so I obviously didn't stay strong. But I am making a very concerted effort to stay close to God and keep Him in my mind every day. I hope I can continue to be motivated in this way.
I pray for my own strength and for others who struggle with the same tempations. May God give us all the strength to be what He wants us to be.

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Thank you for your support. And God bless you in your struggle.

bil4913
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Posted: Tue Apr 15th, 2008 06:45 pm

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Thank you for posting.

Downtime - yeah, man. That's the danger zone! Sometimes it's helpful to plan ahead - to decide on someting to do when your downtime comes. It can be something fun and beneficial. Can be something recreational but wholesome. The key is to plan ahead so that when you're offline, you already has an idea of how to use that time.

dejarlo
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Posted: Wed Apr 16th, 2008 09:38 pm

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thanks for the suggestions, bil.
Yesterday, I finished some really intense work, which feels great. But now my time is a little more unstructured, and that is more difficult. When I don't have any real decisions to make with my time (when I just have to work all of the time), I'm a lot less likely to slip up. But I have had a stupid little devil in my head today every once in a while suggesting that it would be nice to take a break and look at some pictures online. I'm trying to keep myself engaged in something better.
Last night, lustful thoughts kept entering my head as I was trying to fall asleep. I was able to redirect my thoughts, but I had to do it a few times. I hope that as time goes on and I continue to work at it, I might start to have more control over that kind of problem.

May God be with all of you today.

guitarist63
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Posted: Wed Apr 16th, 2008 10:03 pm

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Welcome Dejarlo,

It's good to see you're seeing some results and I pray that God will grant you the strength to resist temptations of the mind and the body.

Am not free myself yet. With God's help and by daily declaring His Word. The promises He gives, as well as the warnings about sexual immorality and guidance for daily living.

dejarlo
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Posted: Sat Apr 19th, 2008 05:23 pm

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Thanks, guitarist63.

The past few days haven't been so good. I haven't looked at porn, but have been stupid and looked at lingerie yesterday and today. I was doing so well controlling my thoughts, but now I feel like I've taken a big step backward. It is harder for me to redirect my thoughts and to not want to act on them. I am back to a porn mindset, where an attractive woman becomes a mental temptation and I want to look and fantasize. I know that I need to get past this and get back where I was a few days ago.
I think that a key is that the days I've slipped backward are days that weren't started with scripture reading and prayer. I need to make sure that I never sit down at a computer without having read and prayed first.
That will be my new rule. From now on, if I haven't read from scripture and prayed for strength that day, then I don't use a computer. And if I have to use a computer, then the first thing I do when I turn it on will be to go to biblegateway.com or something similar and read and pray.
I need God's help with this, and his strength. I know that I can only have this strength if I stay close to him.

May God be with you today.

dejarlo
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 08:40 pm

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I just did it again...
I feel like I should apologize to you guys, but I know that I'm letting myself and God down a lot more than anybody else. Still, I feel really bad about my weakness.
I need to cut it off at the root, not even let myself go down the path that leads to lust.
I thought today was going to be a good day. But I let myself get distracted.

I feel like a piece of s*%# right now. I know that I need to get past that and turn the shame and anger I feel into something positive. I know that God won't desert me if I allow him to stay close.
And I know that God loves me and wants me to overcome this. And I know that with faith in him, I can.

guitarist63
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 09:14 pm

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Dejarlo, this sin doesn't define who you are in God. Focusing on it is not going to enable you to overcome it and self-loathing is definitely not going to make you get further forward. In fact, it's the devil's way of convincing you you're no good and if you let him, he'll try to make it look pointless for you to continue the battle against this sin. The only way that I find works is to try to surrender the self to God, to give the struggle to God in daily prayer and to focus and feed on His Word which is our most offensive weapon against the devil. Worship also which focuses us not on ourselves but on God is also a very powerful weapon. The devil hates a sinner worshipping God. Keep reminding him he's a defeated foe and all he can do is give the illusion of power. He has none.

Last edited on Mon Apr 21st, 2008 09:19 pm by guitarist63

dejarlo
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 09:18 pm

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And I will overcome this.
There is too much at stake to allow for defeat.
I know that I can be upheld by God's omnipotent hand.

I love this hymn (How Firm a Foundation).

“Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.
“When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
For I will be with thee thy trouble to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
“When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not harm thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
“The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.”

guitarist63
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 09:21 pm

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What a powerful hymn, Dejarlo! You'll have to sing it to me some time. Thanks for sharing it. God's strength be with you today and evermore.

dejarlo
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 09:21 pm

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Thanks for the advice and encouragement. What you say is absolutely true. Putting it in practice is difficult because we are weak, but I know that if I give myself to God, he will give me the strength to do his will.

dejarlo
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Posted: Tue Apr 29th, 2008 09:16 pm

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It has been a few days since I last wrote. They have been mostly good ones. I have been very busy and tired. But, by God's grace, I have been mostly free from sexual sin. There were two days that were very difficult and I gave in to temptation (that was on Thursday of last week). But I have renewed my dedication.
I know that I still have a long way to go, but since I started this accountability thread, I have not looked at pornography at all and I have only masturbated a few times. This is the best I have done in years. I really feel like I could be making a permanent change. I still have plenty of temptations and I give in sometimes, but I feel like I am walking in a new direction.
I am in a kind of difficult transitional period in my life, but I know that God cares about me and that this transition can be to something better. At the very least, I can transition to a life free of sexual sin, and that would be the best change I could make.

Feeling optimistic.

athalyah
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 01:03 pm

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Hey Brother,

I took the liberty of checking out your activity since you provided the password and all. What concerns me is the number of banned activities related to Bit torrent etc. Could you clarify this for your accountability purposes? We all know what a P2P is capable of and how this is the worst enemy of someone struggling with sexual temptation.

Thanks

guitarist63
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Posted: Wed Apr 30th, 2008 10:19 pm

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Dejarlo, it's encouraging to see your progress.

dejarlo
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Posted: Tue May 6th, 2008 10:03 pm

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athalayah,
Thanks for looking and helping me by holding me accountable. Safe Eyes marks as "banned" anything that deals with p2p. I use a p2p client as part of a private community that deals with documentation of cultural events that isn't available in other ways. I happen to use Azureus, which automatically accesses a bunch of pages. I keep the window on "Advanced" so I don't have all of the images advertising for other things (and a few scantily-clad women) distracting me. To be honest, the 2p2 thing has not been my source of weakness in the past, though I understand it being a potential downfall. I'll think about it and try to come up with a way of dealing with the possible problems.

Now that I wrote all of that, I must confess that I was weak today and gave in to the weakness of the flesh. It had been almost two weeks since I had last fallen and I'm fighting to not let this destroy the progress I have made. I need to see myself as somebody who does not view pornography or masturbate, but who messed up. I know that I am a sinner, like everybody, but dwelling on my own sinfulness has not helped me in the past.

I was tempted and was able to overcome my temptations during those two weeks, and I need to continue on that path. The way I let myself be gradually led to act on lustful feelings was stupid. I know all of the pitfalls, but I let my guard down.

Today, I dedicate myself to continue this struggle until, by God's grace and strength, I overcome lust. I will not let this setback ruin things. I am grateful for the strength God gave me during the past few weeks and will seek to find that strength again.

Thanks to everybody for your thoughts and prayers.

guitarist63
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Posted: Mon May 12th, 2008 07:12 pm

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Dejarlo,

It's been a few days since your last post.

Last edited on Fri Jun 13th, 2008 09:11 pm by guitarist63

breakthru
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 10:23 pm

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dejarlo, thank you for the inspiration to put safeeyes on my computer. im following your example to let others keep you accountable with your internet activity.

https://secure.parentalctrl.com/portal/

please private message me for the username and password if you would like to take a look at my safe eyes account.

Last edited on Fri May 16th, 2008 10:48 pm by breakthru

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please private message me for username and password.

guitarist63
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Posted: Fri Jun 13th, 2008 09:12 pm

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Dejarlo,

How have you been doing?

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