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proman1953
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 01:15 pm |
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| I am a sex addict and keep trying to stop. My wife does not know about it. I cannot see how ruining her life with my confession will help. Has anyone been able to stop without telling their wife?
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hans45
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| Joined: | Mon Jan 14th, 2008 |
| Location: | Dallas, Texas USA |
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 01:41 pm |
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Hi Proman,
I am by no means an expert in this situation. I can tell you my experience though. I cheated on my first wife several times and never told her. She found out through another party. When she confronted me with it I denied it. She kept it up until I confessed. I loved her and my two children but it ate at her until she could stand it no longer and left me. I would suggest that you put an immediate end to the relationship now and ask for Gods forgivness. I feel that if she has no way of ever finding out, there is no reason to put her through the agony. But there's always that chance that she may find you out through another person. Good luck and put an end to it if you honestly love your wife.
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Journey
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 02:20 pm |
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I admit up front, I do not know the answer to your question.
Don't hate me for this, but maybe you are asking the wrong question. Maybe the question should be "are you willing to tell your wife at the right time if that's part of what it takes for you to break free?"
You are already ruining your spouse's life, they just haven't found out yet. Being honest with my husband has been a HUGE and EXTREMELY significant help in my progress, although also EXTREMELY painful at times.
Journey
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copinghubby
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 10:54 pm |
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Did you ever consider that by confessing to your wife she can support you in stopping? Also, how much more harm will you cause if she does find out? Not only do you have the issue of sex addiction, but you now almost certainly destroyed her trust in you.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in telling my wife. I knew very well that it could end my marriage. But, once I realized my problem, I could not see how I could go on without telling her. I knew that we could not have a true marriage and really love each other without me telling her. She is still angry at me, granted it has only be a couple of months and we are working through it. The addiction was bad enough without continuing to try and hide it from her and deceive her longer.
I do feel that my wifes thinks more of me having the courage to tell her. Especially when she had no clue and most likely would have never found out. I believe it spoke volumes to her about how much I acutally loved and respected her.
I do not know the answer to your question either. I can just give you my experience and opinion.
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teapot
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 11:29 pm |
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| I had been secretly viewing porn for about a year even after numerous attempts to stop with a "strong will." After realizing I had to tell somebody, I told my church group, which helped but didn't stop me. It wasn't until I finally told my wife, despite her numerous inquiries (somehow she knew), did I stop. She wasn't happy, still hasn't fully forgiven me, but is now relieved that I am not hiding something and willing to support me in my struggle. However, the struggle continued until I was ready to come clean to my wife.
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junkyardboy
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 11:53 pm |
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as one who has been in your place, consider why you would think your wife and children don't in their hearts already know.
sexual immorality destroys the body and soul a little at a time, and carries with it the stench of death.
your family has been watching you die a little at a time and as such are also dieing.
your family begins to see a husband/father that exploits women for his own pleasure.
that vision will begin to destroy all relationships you and they have.
my heart aches for you as you have put into place unavoidable consequences.
go watch your family sleep tonight.
think deeply of the world you are leading them into.
i am reminded of probably the most sung hymn "Amazing Grace"
"twas grace that caused my heart to fear..."
pray for the sensitivity to sense spiritual death
pray for God's Amazing Grace.
peter
____________________
have we been abandoned by God?
http://www.apprising.org/archives/2006/11/dr_john_macarth.html
http://www.valleybible.net/position_papers.php
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loveconquersall
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Posted: Wed Apr 9th, 2008 07:10 pm |
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I couldn't help but reply. Coming from the wife who's husband is a full blown addict, please listen. My guess is she probably has a clue about your "bad habits." I knew my husband had "bad habits," but I didn't know the severity of it until this past weekend when I saw the kind of p on his laptop. I won't lie to you. I wanted to leave sooooo badly, and I saw him completey different. He kept saying he was sorry, that it wouldn't happen again. He explained to me about his addiction, how it affects his mind, and the necessary need to m over 5 times a day.
I knew he watched so much p, I didn't know how to act anymore. I would beg him for sex to help comfort myself, show me he was still attracted to me. I tried to sound like a p star, and do everything else they do so he wouldn't keep denying me. But it wouldn't stop. I consistenly lied to myself about what he was doing in the bathroom, what he was really doing on the computer, but even the lies didn't comfort me. Even our sex was different. I couldn't call it "making love," with the way he would just close his eyes and "do it."
I learned more about sexual addiction this weekend than I ever have before. We bought several books, a bible, and we talked and talked and talked. He made an appointment w/ a counselor, set up an accountable partner to help his progress, and does a daily devotional every night. I'm not going to lie. The truth hurt more than anything I ever felt before in my life. A stabbing pain that I can't get rid of yet. The only thing holding me from leaving is the wedding vows I promised to him, and this love that hasn't faded. I still love him deeply, even since he hurt me, and I insist we get through this. I will not allow otherwise.
Truth is, if you really love this woman, and you want to kick this addiction, then listen up. Schedule an appointment with a counselor to talk about your addiction By as many books as you can read explaining sexual addiction, and find your faith in God. This addiction causes your faith to fail and become buried. Give your sin to God; ask him to cast it back to the devil, and help you with your addiction. After your 1st appt w/ your counselor, after you have the books, sit her down when you are both not angry at each other. Ask her for her support. Don't forget a couple of books for her to help the healing process. She'll be more understanding, and respect you more for coming clean finally. Don't hide anything from her.
This addiction can not be belittled or undermined. Once you learn more about it, you learn how serious it can become if you don't stop it now. She will be very hurt, but you can help each other through this. You CANNOT get through this addiction by yourself. With it still hidden, the addict cannot be accountable for his/her action. Once you come out in the open, you can take responsiblity and start to live a more fulfilling life. If she decides to leave, I'm very sorry. No one can predict how anybody will react, not even themselves. Please understand, you need to show her she's still valuable, that you still need her, that you still love her and want her. Consider her hurt feelings, but apologize for them. Your actions caused them, but you as a person can change. Learn how to defeat these actions and fight for her. She deserves to know the truth. The relationship you have built before was built on lust and lies, and now you have to start over, on love, faith and TRUTH! You can not get through and stop this alone! You need as much support as you can get. I will pray for your success, and we are all here to help you every step of the way. I wish you the best.
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