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geeky_student
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| Joined: | Mon Feb 19th, 2007 |
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Posted: Tue Jun 12th, 2007 08:31 am |
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Hi brothers and sisters in Christ,
I have been sinning without posting a report for a very long time now, for that i apologize. I have been very lazy i should say after sinning--i havent wrote all the reports...
Here's one from the past week, some of the things mentioned here also occured for the other ones: like pushing the boundaries, not caring, not loving, harden heartedness.
it's kind of long (3 pages in microsoft word)
Report on Pornography and Masturbation 06-03-07
Just remembered… today is the day I took communion… and I woke up this morning thinking that I am not going to sin no matter what. Well, here I am again.
Thank God that He let me be close to Him still. Again I sinned when I am really close to the Lord again. Praise Him for His mercifulness. While I was sinning, I thought of that passage in Isaiah where it talks about the children of Israel sinning on the Sabbath, committing adultery with prostitutes. I even thought that: today is Sunday, I am not going to sin, it is gross and blasphemous to God. While sinning, I thought of that but continued on.
I should have fled after the first wave; it was close. Second wave, closer, but I still stayed and started lusting again and pushed the boundaries further—deep down I was really looking for p while searching for anti-p stuff. I just didn’t push it to that point on the first two waves.
Also, on the first two waves the Lord reminded me of Him and I thought of Him and I felt disgusted to go on. The third time, I tried to block it out—I didn’t block Him out, I cant. I disobeyed. God told me not to type/click these things, and I disobeyed and typed/clicked them. Again, I used these good and big hands and fingers and my body for evil. How dare I use God’s blessings for me for evil!
Oh yeah, speaking of which, I came home today supposed to do homework, yes homework. Which I neglected and I was playing games thinking: just a while, which was 2 hours. Before going ahead to play, God warned me that I can get bored and p and m. I thought: nah I won’t. God is never wrong, and how dare I not agree with Him!
(continued on June 8, 2007)
I exposed myself to so many attacks: while sinning, I was praying to God and committing the junk at the same time! When God gave me these beautiful and Godly music and melodies and songs to write down, I thought: “man wouldn’t it be good if I didn’t have these blessings, then I can sin without guilt” MAY THAT NEVER BE! It’s wonderful to have every part of these blessings and it’s wonderful to feel guilty sinning. Believers feel guilty for sinning because God’s Holy Spirit convicts us of our sins, and how DISGUSTING they are!
I exposed myself to spiritual attacks: I didn’t keep on God’s armor. The enemy bothered me a lot, trying to deceive into thinking that I belong to the enemy. Thank God that His word is the truth. Thank God for keeping me away from being snatched. We all belong to God! If you can, please do pray for all of us (including yourself) that God keeps us away from deception.
It was like I didn’t care about anything, I didn’t care if I was using these good, long, and blessed fingers and hands and body parts God has blessed me with for evil, I didn’t care even it felt unnatural to type these things—risking hurting my fingers and hands and typing unnaturally—it feels like there is a strain and that I can’t type these things willingly, it felt that I was forcing myself to. How very idiotic, torturing myself.
But then again, that’s what we are doing when we sin: we sin against our own body. Indeed. I pray that God will heal our wounds, spiritual, emotional, and physical, and that we will let Him heal us.
There is a lot I must do, of course with God’s help, to overcome this junk, this is a big flaw in my character and it can worsen and distort my view towards women—I am not like this, I don’t want to be like this, either. It’s good that God blessed me with a soft and sensitive heart—I don’t want it to harden. I feel awful having perverted thoughts—I don’t want them! I feel happy when I can treat someone well and make them happy. Praise God!
I am willing to take up my cross and walk with God, I must do it also. No more kicking around the blessings He has given me, I must appreciate and take the best care of and recognize and thank and praise God for every part of all of them.
I also must not try to abuse and/or pervert God’s love for me. Jesus died for us so that we are forgiven, free from a sinful life, not the opposite. We don’t sin because we are forgiven; our salvation is not a license saying that we should go ahead and sin.
Something I should share, a few days after June 3rd, I was chatting online with a buddy of mine. I was being lied to by the enemy. What happened was this:
me: I am sure I can’t find it, ever. So I am just going to print out another copy (waste of paper).
Then I heard the Holy Spirit ask me if I am sure (I was already feeling uncomfortable for a while since what I am doing is wasting paper).
me: of course I am sure, if I am wrong send me to the hot place.
This seems so nonsense, but it’s not without purpose. What happened here is that I gambled my salvation and thought it wasn’t a big deal—as if it was something I can joke about. The lie was that oh no, because of what I did, I am unsaved, oh no, since I was wrong, I am going to be sent to the hot place now…
Frustrated and terrified, I was telling my friend about this. And he told me of course that I am not condemned for this. Still doubtful, I kept saying what if what if what if…
So he asked me this question: what if God will send you to the hot place, would you life your life any different? I responded, probably, I would feel hopeless.
I thought I gave the right answer, but then he said this: live for God because He is good.
The Holy Spirit spoke to me, and I realized: AH!!! All this time, I have been so very selfish! During this whole “debate” of whether I am saved or not, I have been thinking like: if I am going to the hot place, then I would live my life to the worst. All this time, it’s been “all about me, what’s in it for me, oh really, if God will forgive me then why don’t I just go ahead and sin…” Lies! God is merciful indeed, again, we are not allowed to sin. I ask God to soften my heart and teach me how to LOVE Him. I have been very selfish in the past, God allowed me to be attacked—and He meant it for good. He showed me my weaknesses and where I need to work on, it’s not just about lusting, it’s about our hearts.
(continued on June 11, 2007)
To my accountability partner:
I am very sorry to tell you, that on that day when I asked for your help, I didn’t pray and go to sleep, I wanted to continue, so I kept sinning. I felt so very disgusted and sick that I didn’t confess this to you for a long time (since Friday). Also, I sinned later in the afternoon, it was those pushing the boundaries things again.
I hope you don’t take offense that I don’t regard you or care about what you say to help me—though that’s what I have done, really. I hope you can forgive me, it is true when Paul said that when we sin we sin against not only our own body but also the body of Christ, our brothers and sisters! I am very regretful. Again, I hope you can forgive me. What I did is very disgusting. I realize I have been going “whatever” at what you were saying to me. It’s like I didn’t care for anything. I am sorry, I know this upsets you a lot and it is not fair to you.
I have also been doing the same to God—disregard and ignorance of His help. My sins are so very disgusting!
God bless! His mercy is amazing, but that doesn’t mean we can keep sinning.
I will continue praying for you guys
Keep clean
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love. 
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Jun 12th, 2007 09:05 pm |
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Geeky, thanks for your candid report. You've certainly been going through a trial at the moment. You mention spiritual attack. We have to remember that we're not just in a flesh battle but a battle with the principalities and powers of darkness in the heavens. Spiritual warfare, no less. We need to realize that "greater is He that is within you than He who is in the world." So we have the authority - Christ Himself has made us keepers of that authority - to rebuke the devil and his legions. He and his army are already defeated. Praise God! Jesus has won the battle against sin and death, has carried your sin on His shoulders. You are already free but you (we) have to walk in the freedom daily. We have to make a daily effort. Seek His power, His strength and He will give it. Try and do things in your own strength and you'll keep stumbling and falling BUT He will still pick you up and be there for you because He loves you with all your imperfections. None of us, myself included, should use His grace and forgiveness as an excuse to sin. We should do our best to "sin no more" as Jesus said. Guitarist63
Last edited on Thu Jun 21st, 2007 01:26 am by guitarist63
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