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matt
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Posted: Tue Dec 6th, 2005 04:04 pm |
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Holdsworth,
congratulations on a courageous step of admitting that here. Is there anything we/I could help you with, as far as keeping you accountable?
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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matt
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Posted: Tue Dec 6th, 2005 04:05 pm |
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NG,
I find those to be my most difficult times to stay focused. When my wife and I are struggling with our relationship or are disconnected, I have to be super careful of my thought life. Stay connected.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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matt
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Posted: Tue Dec 6th, 2005 04:09 pm |
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daily
So far, so good. Day 15 today. I went bowling with some friends of mine last night and there were a few somewhat scantily dressed women there. I struggled a little with keeping my eyes on healthy things. In the end, I was successful, but I was definitely aware of their presence. Today, I ran some errands at lunch time and was passing a shopping center parking lot where I saw a nice figured woman walking towards a store. I snapped my rubber band and kept driving. I've continued to find that offering up a "Create in me a clean heart" as I'm struggling helps me to refocus on the goal quickly. A healthy day to all!
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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NeedingGrace
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Posted: Tue Dec 6th, 2005 04:35 pm |
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Howdy All,
I'm sitting here in a coffee shop watching the snow fly. I've moved past the anger I was feeling, and now I'm just struggling with the hurt behind the anger. I knew I was in a dangerous place today, so I decided to work outside of the house. I know that it's still possible to fall, but the chance of me getting on a bad website while I'm sitting here in public is pretty small for me.
My wife called me on her lunch break to tell me that she pushed her meeting back, so I won't have to do as much as was originally thought. I just don't think that she realizes that it was never about taking my daughter to violin or to ballet. She says that she values what I do, yet she doesn't act like it. There's a consistent "non-communication" issue going on, that and she screws something up and I'm expected (i.e. told flat out) that I'm supposed to fix it.
I keep thinking about the Twila Paris song, "The Warrior Is a Child" today. People expect us to be the knight in shining armor and ride in and fix everything and be perfect. Yet, underneath that armor is a lot of wounds and pain.
I think part of all this is that I've now been clean for almost a week. I realize that I'm in withdrawal and trying to take that into account. One of my biggest issues is anxiety and fear and I can feel it trying to creep in. I've also used masturbation to help with the anxiety, but I'm refusing to do that this time. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that I have the skillsets to deal with the anxiety in another way.
Ugghhh. I'm rambling again. Thanks for listening guys. Hope y'all have a great afternoon!
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matt
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Posted: Tue Dec 6th, 2005 06:47 pm |
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NG, great realization that this is a time and emotion that you used to medicate with this addiction. One of the main challenges of recovery, is learning what emotions you medicated in the past and learning new/healthy behaviors to address them going forward.
Congratulations on being pro-active by getting out of the house. We have to be aggressive and get out in front of this thing to beat it. Keep up the great work.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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holdsworth
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 10:26 am |
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| thank you everyone for your continued openeness and honesty (and prayers/replies). it means a lot. I am very aware right now of real insecurity before the temptations come my way. I am also aware of my willingness for those feelings to go (a natural human response). I am admitting here that I look to sensual things to medicate myself from the pain and loneliness, church didn't answer, or loving parents, or friends. But Jesus still voice has been there, alongside all the negative stuff. Guys, I know that I have filled a hole by letting the feelings of lust blot out the stuff I couldn't leave at the cross, or trust God with. I am slowly learning to trust and love, God is such a mystery. I really don't want the life God has given me to be ruled by an addiction...life is too short and far too precious.The hardest part is the beginning of the day, when I wake. It is also the most crucial part of the day!
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captivated
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 10:43 am |
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Prayed for you, holdsworth!
captivated 
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isolated
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 02:41 pm |
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| hey holdsworth I'm praying for you also, we have to stick together , you are my brother! here are some key things we need to every morning , pray and give thanks for he is good ,and his mercy endurs forever! ask for help , every day read Gods word ,listen to christian music, if possible ,God lives in our praise ! help others, as you help others, God will help you I hope this helps brother, pray for me ,as I'm praying for you, have a great day! Standing Strong
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Billyeah
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 03:23 pm |
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| Don't mean to butt in but I need some prayers today. The draw is getting soo strong. I am alone at my computer all day. It is a constant in my head today, well for the last couple days. I need strength from above, and prayer in numbers is good so, just keep me in your prayers. Thanks
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holdsworth
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 05:39 pm |
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| I'll pray for y' Billyeah. I know that the fighting and then the strong temptations that come along are really tough, I've messed up enough to know how strong it is.
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isolated
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 07:11 pm |
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| hey billyeah ,yes your in my prayers also, fight the good fight of faith! God has somthing special for those who fight , for he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him God Bless
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Billyeah
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 07:15 pm |
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Thanks guys I really appreciate it. I will continue to fight.
God Bless
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captivated
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 07:15 pm |
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I prayed for you earlier, too!
captivated
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isolated
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 07:30 pm |
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hey captivated, you are a blessing ,I prayed for you and your husband today just thought you might like to know  your brother
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captivated
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 07:48 pm |
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It's so funny....God is soooo good....such a spouse to us as we tread these waters! I was just getting back on here to ask for prayer....I've wanted to ask all day, in fact, but hesitated because I'm not really asking for accountability here....but we do need prayer so desperately....and I have really struggled in the attitude of my heart towards my husband. So, thank you isolated, for being sensitive to His proddings.....for hearing that I needed this prayer and for praying. There have been lots of family issues......as well as some backlash from helping others, I think. The enemy does not want any of us to be free, BUT our great and wonderful and marvelous, very much alive God is greater....and is able to free and to rescue us in every way! Anyway, I've learned AGAIN to really pray up any "outreach" I get to do, before and after the fact! Praying for and with other women is a blessing, but I need to pray against attack for having done so as well. Thankfully, God and His amazing grace is greater!
Thanks again, Isolated! Hey, and praise God, you're not so isolated anymore! You are a blessing, as well....all of you here are, in fact!
captivated
Last edited on Wed Dec 7th, 2005 07:50 pm by captivated
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matt
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 07:49 pm |
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daily
Well, today has been pretty ok. I'm a bit under the weather and got a migraine today around lunch time. Both of those have been huge triggers in the past. Fortunately, I met with a guy who knows all my stuff at lunch today and that was an amazing discussion. Also, my wife and I were up late last night and had an amazing conversation about how we interact with each other and how our hurt affects our thought process. Man, intimacy is cool. No temptations at all today. My boundaries seem to be working well.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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matt
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 07:51 pm |
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| Hey Bill, I prayed for you as well. Let us know how you were able to be successful.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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NeedingGrace
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Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 10:17 pm |
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Bad day today. Lots of anger & anxiety issues going on. Messed up this afternoon. Trying to get back on track. Before I acted out, I was angry at everyone else. Now I'm just angry at myself.
Hope you all had better days than I did.
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holdsworth
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Posted: Thu Dec 8th, 2005 06:47 am |
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| Hi NeedingGraceyou posted earlier: Honestly, I'm struggling with a lot of rejection, anger, and hurt feelings right now. Had another incident with my wife last night/this morning. Really struggling with it. But I know that God is good......................................................................If you havn't read 'Breaking free' Russell Willingham, you could give it a go and order it today. I know its only a book, but the guy is totally real and honest about sex related stuff and explores why we go back to the sin we hate (lots of other peoples examples too), and the issues behind it..It also talks about the issues that are found in marriage.will pray for you today, keep letting us know how y' doin.I woke up bombarded with sensual images in my head this morning. Last edited on Thu Dec 8th, 2005 06:58 am by holdsworth
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isolated
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Posted: Thu Dec 8th, 2005 04:55 pm |
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hey borthers and sisters please pray for me , I have been clean for about 2 mo's now and today, two girls and a baby ran out of gas in front of my house ,and asked if they could use my phone to call there family for help, well one of the girls looked rather nice, and anyway I do not want to see that girl again, unless its Gods will , and that how I would have you pray for me . thanks
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