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holdsworth
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Posted: Mon Sep 1st, 2008 11:09 am |
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I was out. I was out. That's all I can think.
yep, it is demoralising, frustrating, dissapointing and down right .......well you get the picture!.
Today I woke up flat, empty and apprehensive for the week ahead, I had a slip up this morning and again...AGAIN! looked at stuff that is just poison to my depths although my 'body' keeps insisting on telling me,
"its just totally normal fella, and you're single, can God really expect me to stay pure?"
maybe not so subtle lies that crept in to my mind and I waved them onto an 'open landing strip'. What really gets me is I keep thinking "after all this time, after all this talk of getting free...I still haven't learnt!!" grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Why do we keep going back?. I just don't get it.
Keep fighting, keep praying. I am convinced this stuff (however soft) damages our character and our views of people and the world let alone the potential of us also being a light in this crazy place.
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Man
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Posted: Mon Sep 1st, 2008 12:04 pm |
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Thanks Holdsworth, I am single as well.
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Man
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Posted: Mon Sep 1st, 2008 10:07 pm |
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Sex: It is really not the most easy thing: Kindo starv myself..
It is not very easy
Last edited on Mon Sep 1st, 2008 10:08 pm by Man
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holdsworth
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Posted: Tue Sep 2nd, 2008 10:48 am |
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you are right man it is not easy, that is something that helps me when I read the Bible (not nearly enough!) as at no time does it say that 'things are easy'..makes it more real for me. The fact that it is full of flawed people trying to get things right and often falling far short.....there is plenty of redemption too.
This morning brought the usual temptations and I entertained those guests for a short while until I left the table leaving a gluttonous array of rich food behind me. I did not want that sort of company although the guests promised me a good time.
tomorrow may have them begging me to come back to the table, need strength to say no.
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Man
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Posted: Tue Sep 2nd, 2008 11:48 am |
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As far as I know, I cannot say "no" to temptation. I can only flee from it..
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holdsworth
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Posted: Tue Sep 2nd, 2008 11:03 pm |
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And you are absolutely right!. Fleeing is far better than to find yourself sitting down at the table with bad company and an empty stomach trying to say no to the food.
Last edited on Tue Sep 2nd, 2008 11:05 pm by holdsworth
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Man
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Posted: Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 02:06 am |
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Unwanted erections seem to come very fast now, i.e. when showering before an indoor bathing and I can be afraid of that... It can just be a kick to be seen with an erection or semi-erection and for example if daddy's bring with their small girls, it can also be a kick.. I can just scale them up to adult women... in my mind..
So this can be very difficult..
But if showering with a bathing suit, it might not be so "kicky". It might not be a kick.
Last edited on Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 11:17 am by Man
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Man
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Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 12:26 pm |
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Sexual reactions in the body by watching yesterday...
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ETexpilgrim
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Posted: Fri Sep 5th, 2008 04:04 pm |
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Had a good day yesterday in spite of trials in other areas, which is ususally when temptation comes. Thank you Lord for getting me through yesterday.
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ETpilgrim
Psalm 51:10
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ETexpilgrim
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Posted: Wed Sep 10th, 2008 05:01 pm |
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It's been a few days since I last posted, but the Lord has been with me and secured me from temptation, Praise the Lord. I pray that today He will secure me once again. I have to say that I am disappointed by the lack of use of this God-sent tool by others that I am certain need a source of accountability.
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ETpilgrim
Psalm 51:10
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Man
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Posted: Thu Sep 11th, 2008 04:15 am |
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It happens again and again. I just had to check out "a little bit", maybe it was because I wanted to see something.. I might feel too empty.. so it is difficult to avoid it, but I don't know how to drop that "check out"-thing..
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manwhowantshelp
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Posted: Mon Sep 15th, 2008 04:23 pm |
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Hey there, I have been SA free for one week now! What a change in my life! Thanks for this forum, my SA group and my girlfriend!
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Man
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Posted: Tue Sep 16th, 2008 04:38 pm |
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Just watched and body reacted.
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Sep 16th, 2008 07:53 pm |
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Watched something you should have watched, or something your should not have watched?
Is what you're doing addictive/obsessive/compulsive behavior, or not?
Is it something you want to change, or not?
From the quick summary, it's hard to know whether you are looking for comments, and if so, whether the comments should be sympathetic because something you were trying to avoid happened, or whether they should be neutral because what happened happened.
Tim M.
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Man
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Posted: Tue Sep 16th, 2008 09:29 pm |
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TimM wrote: Watched something you should have watched, or something your should not have watched?
Is what you're doing addictive/obsessive/compulsive behavior, or not?
Is it something you want to change, or not?
From the quick summary, it's hard to know whether you are looking for comments, and if so, whether the comments should be sympathetic because something you were trying to avoid happened, or whether they should be neutral because what happened happened.
Tim M.
Thanks for your questions Tim M.
I might still not be at step 1. I cannot see my helplessness.
For me it is difficult. I might not see clear yet. I am single and I might have a lot of longings and I don't know is okay and how it is okay to fill them..
So I am not sure if it was okay to see it or not.. I might justify a little bit. "Well, I just need to see what happens if I search for this. I might need to see what is on this site, just interesting to see.."
"Is what you're doing addictive/obsessive/compulsive behavior, or not?" That's also what I don't know. Maybe I am denying things for myself.. When trying to go without m, it could be that only some few seconds could give reactions..
"Is it something you want to change, or not?" Again big problems, because I don't know.
It could be interesting if I could come to the objective Truth and this Truth could just tell me and maybe fix me, let me SEE and set me free..
but I feel a little bit blind, that I cannot see..
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Man
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Posted: Tue Sep 16th, 2008 11:59 pm |
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It might be that I have not reached step 1: Admitting powerlessness. I might not be who-hearted. I might need to fight every day to do the right things and it seems I fall quite often, maybe because I haven't surrendered yet?
Wonder how to come to this point? Do I have to destroy extremely much first? Is it possible to avoid to destroy more before I surrender/ give up/ admit powerlessness?
Yes, it really seems that I have no whole heart. I am going both ways. It seems as if I really don't believe in that there is possible to believe in that a Higher power can help me..
Last edited on Wed Sep 17th, 2008 03:16 am by Man
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Man
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Posted: Wed Sep 17th, 2008 12:53 pm |
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Problematic for me that I might be blind for some things: What is acting out? What is okay? What is not okay?
Wonder how to come to step 1 in the 12-step-program? Admitting powerlessness. Where to go? What to do?
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Paulos
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Posted: Wed Sep 17th, 2008 05:10 pm |
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Man,
Can you identify with the man who said to Jesus, "I believe; help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24)?
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TimM
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Posted: Wed Sep 17th, 2008 07:14 pm |
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I think powerlessness comes to people in different ways. There are people who need to be broke and divorced and sick and in jail to surrender. There are those who surrender sooner.
For me, reaching step 1 happened as several things came together. I was on leave from my work, and I had said to myself that the one thing I had to do in that time was to get control of my addictive behavior. I failed. I knew I would never have a better time in my life, and I failed.
My oldest kid was getting ready to leave home and move across the country to go to college. I knew he was leaving never having seen me well, never having seen me purely caring for him and not lost and hiding inside myself.
I looked at my age and saw that I had been fighting my addiction for over 30 years, and that I had less than 30 years left to live. If I kept going as I was going, I would die in isolation and despair, just as I was living.
I saw that I was more and more isolated from other people. I had no friends. My wife and I were more and more distant. I'd never had the relationship I should have had with my kids.
My own soul was shattered into pieces that were isolated from one another - the addict and the teacher and the parent and the Christian and so on, none of these affected any other.
I was more and more isolated from and angry at God.
I had begun to think about suicide as the only way out I could find.
That's the point at which I gave up. I could see that going on as I was going wasn't going to work, and if I was considering killing myself, then I really had nothing left to lose.
Only at that point did step 2 become possible. I think we have to be completely defeated before we can really put trust in a higher power which is the only hope left to us. I don't think step 2 can come before step 1. The only way I could really begin to trust other people and to trust God was when I could say, "Holding on and controlling things myself has failed. Maybe this will fail, too; but it's the only hope left. If it does fail, I haven't lost anything. I can always kill myself later."
For me, meeting people from the program and reading the Big Book promised a future with blessings I never had dreamed of. Ordinary people talked about being relieved of their addictive desires, and also about being at peace with themselves, with one another, and with God. I had never imagined having these things. I had never imagined not only being free of the addictive behavior, but having all this other communion and peace. Thinking that other people like me had found those blessings and that maybe I could, too, was step 2. It had to come after step 1, though.
That's my story. Yours or anybody else's may be different.
Do well.
Tim M.
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manwhowantshelp
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Posted: Wed Sep 17th, 2008 07:48 pm |
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Hi Tim,
I can't help but respond to what you wrote with lots of understanding and support. I am sorry for the pain you went through. I too lived a fragmented life, lying all the time to myself and others. I was a complete fake and I was good at it.
It was easy for me to take the first step into the program. I was getting worse and worse and started letting my SA affect my work. I am powerless to stop and I can't stop without SAA and the 12 step program. When my gf found out what I was doing (I accidently sent her a response to a personals ad), she freaked out. I tried to shed my life from her and continue my behavior but she demanded more from me than that. When she saw the movie Sex, Lies and Obsessions she called and said hey this is you, you have SA, face it and get help. I did.
Even though I am in the early stages of recovery, my life is completely different. No lies, no deceit, no running around behind her back. Making love to her is the best possible experience. All the porn, masturbation, fantasy, and all don't come close to the reality of making love to the woman I love.
I see you on here helping lots of people and for that I thank you. I hope and pray that your life mends and that you and your wife are brought closer by this experience.
God bless you, take care, be well.
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