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holdsworth
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Posted: Thu Aug 21st, 2008 11:04 am |
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Hi Man
I don't know wether you have ever been on a 'MerryGoRound' or any of those spinning platforms in a Playground?. The faster it goes the more you have to hold on to stop yourself fron falling off and hurting yourself. But the faster it goes the more sick you can feel as you become dizzy.
Addiction is like this, we go round and round and round, returning over and over to the same place we were before. Although we feel sick we still hold on because of the fear of stepping off and facing possible hurt....we continue to hold on.
we can try and find courage to jump off before it gets really fast and then face cuts and bruises that need to heal or we hold on for dear life and become more sick and dizzy.
Update: yesterday everything came at me, failure, sickness, tiredness. The evening brought temptation and for a short time I started to act out lustful thoughts. The temptation to seek out attractive imagery was strong and I started down this road and again realised after being gripped by it..."This might feel good now but it solves nothing" What was tempting me on the suface held great beauty but was an empty beauty. Turned to frustrated prayer and went to bed.
Further Update: I genuinly beleive that temptation increases after a conscious act to fight agasint thte temptation or when attempting to do 'Gods will' or a very positive or negative event. After each victory there seems to come straight out of the blue when we least expect it temptations that 'seem' more powerful than before.
Trying to hold on to the 'promise' that the Holy Spirit will provide a way out of temptation when it comes along....and the courage to take it!
Last edited on Thu Aug 21st, 2008 12:09 pm by holdsworth
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Man
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Posted: Thu Aug 21st, 2008 12:46 pm |
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Sometimes it seems extrmely difficult, maybe impossible to not act out, but I don't know. Maybe there is more willpower. Maybe I could have done even better, and then I think: "Oh, what a pity. I will be punished for this. It will destroy or because of the images that I have in my head, I will do and/or react in a bad way. I am responsible. The consequences will be terrible even if a get completely forgiven, the same thing about the consequences will be there and come on me" That can irrtate me so much. It might be tempting to deny that it happened, maybe because I don't want the negative consequences..
So how to deal with all this?
Actually I might think I am not so interested in explanations even though I ask. Maybe I would feel that would be a little bit from above if it only come a very long explanation about "HOW IT IS".
I don't know exactly what I want, maybe some sort of support? and I guess nobody in here are perfect so I guess a 100 % explanation about "HOW IT IS" might not help me.. It might be wrong. It might not be right for me at least even if it has helped others..?
So maybe it is my responsibility to take what I want and leave the rest? I don't know, so I feel that I am not ran over, crushed down. Maybe this is something that I can allow and not allow also, that it is not possible to crush me down if I don't allow it..?
I might like best if someone share a little bit from their own life and then I can take what I want and leave the rest and maybe get connection and fellowship that I might need?
And if people come with a lot of explanations about "HOW IT IS", I might just not receive it, if I manage then?
I feel it is irritating if people tell me "HOW IT IS" and I feel that I am not seen, respected or something when they talk, misunderstood maybe.. or that they maybe use my weak position to come over, be the strong guy that can understand and explain, be high up, perfected, protected behind authority: "I explain you how it is." They might have kindo protected role in front of me, not willing to introspect themselves as well..? They are kindo hiding behind an authority.. or? They reveal nothing of their own weeknesses and kindo hide behind a role: "I am better than you. I have come very far. I have been in this game longer than you. I have come much further than you. I am perfect and I will explain you HOW IT IS." That might not help me very much and I feel he might use me to come up, feel better..
I would think that those who have come far are those who see, give, serve and build up, not those who explain everybody how far they have come.. or?
I don't know what I am searching, maybe kindo connection, fellowship, dialogue. I don't know.. and maybe mercy, accept, an environment that can make me grow maybe, not an expert that tells me how terrible I am and what I shall do in a cold manner. That might only leave me in a terrible state. I get extremely angry inside, but might not dare to say it, maybe too afraid of what others shall think, mean..
But if I am very unsecure, it might be difficult for me to sort out what I shall receive and what I shall not receive..? so I might need to work with self-image and give me the right to be me and live.
I also experience sometimes that some people kindo tell me how terrible I am, rebellious... and I feel this might be manipulation. They want me to bow for them..? That's what I have a feeling of. They have come much, much further, in their own eyes, I feel...
I would guess that my own weeknesses is something that I must "see". It might not be very powerful if I bow for a person who tell me how terrible and I smile and say "yes", but maybe I only do it to be accepted and I might be very irritated on him. I might need acceptance and don't want to be "the bad and rebellious guy", so if I manage to let this person go it might be the best, but I might not allways manage it..
And I might have some ocd, donno if I should write all this, if it was "right"? if there is something that is right then..?
Thanks for listening
Last edited on Thu Aug 21st, 2008 01:07 pm by Man
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CB
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Posted: Thu Aug 21st, 2008 03:23 pm |
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Man,
I'm not trying to beat you up, or make you feel bad, or make you feel like a terrible person. That is not my intention. I'm just sharing what I've learned through my experiences, and what I would do in certain situations. You've been on my heart and I've been praying for you a lot lately. Like I've said in previous posts, I really admire the single people that are trying to break free from this addiction, but I don't have that experience, so I can't completely relate to what you are going through. It took me almost destroying my marriage, and seeing the pain I was causing my wife, to get to the point where I could see the pain that I was causing Jesus Christ. I finally saw how filthy I was in Jesus' eyes, and He still gave His life for me. At this point I said, "God, I've had enough. I can't do this. I need Your help." I even kind of dared God and said, "God, if Your really real, I need You to break this cycle." And He did. He created a new me; one that isn't bound in this addictive web that I had spun for myself. And I praise Him for it. I can't help but give God 100% of the glory and the credit for what He has done in my life. And I'm not ashamed to tell anyone how much of a changed person I am. I'm not being prideful, or boasting in myself, because I tried for such a long time to free myself, and couldn't do it. And once I realized that I couldn't do it, God was able to change my life.
I'm not trying to tell you 'how it is'. But I will say that a close relationship with Jesus Christ is 'how it is'. You need to seek God more than you seek freedom. I am completely in awe at what Jesus did on the cross; the pain He went through; the stress and anguish He felt before being crucified; and the rejection He endured when God the Father turned away from Him in His lowest moment. I am completely in awe at what God the Father gave up in order for this wretched, sinful man to be completely forgiven. I'm a father of 4, and there is no way that I would give up the life of one of my children for anything. I would go to the cross myself before I sent one of my kids to the cross. But that's exactly what God did for us. He gave up His only Son to be tortured and to die a horrible death, so that we might be made righteous. That completely blows my mind.
I can't tell you that going to get a massage is wrong. I can only give you advice on what I would do. But I will say that without a relationship with Jesus Christ, you'll never find the peace, joy, or freedom that you're looking for. Do you have a relationship with Jesus?
CB!
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Man
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Posted: Thu Aug 21st, 2008 10:43 pm |
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CB, I have some doubt at the moment.
Today I watched and ejaculation happened just by watching in the library.
Last edited on Thu Aug 21st, 2008 11:04 pm by Man
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Man
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Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 12:11 am |
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CB wrote:
I can't tell you that going to get a massage is wrong. I can only give you advice on what I would do. But I will say that without a relationship with Jesus Christ, you'll never find the peace, joy, or freedom that you're looking for. Do you have a relationship with Jesus?
CB!
CB: Do you know what you would do if you were single with back-problems? Then you don't have a wife to massage you.
How do you follow Christ in your daily life? What does that mean to you in practice? How does it influence your life in measurable things?
To hear about "His great love and what He has done for me and how much He means for me" with big smiles from above is not very interesting. I don't know what I feel, but maybe I feel that the other person is a fake. If he/ she really has so much love, why does he/ she not see me and why do I not feel respected/ accepted? I draw to the conlusion that this person might be a fake, but he/ she might not be conscious about it.
The other person explains me what I should do instead of showing me love that might be a natural consequence of the relationship this other person claims to have with Jesus. If he/ she has a relationship with Jesus, it has to come out in love for other people, I would think...
And when I don't feel this love at all from this other person, I might get irritated and I might think that this person him/ herself doesn't know Jesus. He/ she could be a hypocrite..? Big smiles and saying all the right things, but...
Just some though. I might of course also be wrong...
Normally I would be very angry, because I think that the other person is right and that I am wrong, but I might feel some other things, but I might feel some other things, but I might not trust the feeling inside me and I get angry, frustrated and maybe try to hide it so that I shall not be rejected. Maybe I want to be accepted by the other person and maybe try to hide the irritation..
I might be a lot irritated, but I might not dare to trust my own feelings.., instead I get irritated and feel "under" instead of maybe allow myself to be me and stand up and show respect for myself.. I might not allow myself to do that: Stand up. Instead I might get bowed under and have a lot of aggression and don't dare to or give myself the right to stand up...
I don't know why I am like that.. or maybe how I can dare more. get the courage.? I don't know. How can I get courage to do somthing if I am afraid of? Is it just to hold out the pain? How long? What if I don't manage any more..?
And this with God, if I should tust Him, there is a chance. What if there is nothing there? What shall I do then? Give up, close up?? It might be dangerous to come to this point, scary: What if there is nothing? That might be scary. Donno how to manage all this thing, just to stand in all the fear? No other possibilities? Do I have to do it alone, face it alone? No other possibilities than that? Where and when will I come to such a point? If I come?
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love&hate
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Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 05:09 am |
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Hey Man
You have had alot of concerns and alot of people responding to you. If i may ask you this... what does Jesus mean to you? You have often spoke about other people and the hypocrisy in other Christians but i wonder what does Christ mean to you? Don't think about any people for a while. Just you and God. So what does he mean?
Holdsworth
I know for me when i try not to do something, especially porn or masturbation than the tempation comes all the stronger. It is futile. For me when i was caught in my cycle of despair the addiction choose me. I could even go to church and praise God but when i got home i would hit the hardcore stuff in a few hours. Bizzare. All i know is that every once in a while i would hit rock bottom. And i took those times to try and feel as much repentance as i could and then try to get more interested in God and not try to think of P&M at all.
There was an article about crucifiction that i read that spoke about the physical death. It was not quick. YOu may take days to die. And death may come in the form of dehyrdration, suffocation or something like that. So when Paul talked about crucifying the passions it may have been referreing to the slow death of our sexual thoughts by just not thinking about them, not even thinking about not doing them but letting them suffocate by giving them no more fuel. For me that is the time i have had the most joy in my life and the most victory over sin is by focusing on God and not even thinking about what i am not supposed to do. Of course it is tough when you have not had much sobriety but i usually have had windowns of opportunity when i am at rock bottoms to make a decision to change my focus.
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Guitarist_John
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Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 04:18 pm |
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Failed. Once again.
I'm getting tired of this cycle. I hate it.
CB, what you wrote inspired me. I simply can't do this. I need God's help. I've just kept on doing what I could, and obviously that didn't get me far until I fell again...
Today I woke up, and lustful thoughts tried to come in, but I resisted, though I did entertain them for a few seconds. I believe thats where things went downhill. A few hours later, I just feel kinda sad and bored, and the lust came again, offering to sooth my soul.
I tried to resist it, but to no avail.
...I simply can't do this by myself.
You know what, I don't think I've ever really admitted those words with as much honesty as I did earlier today than I ever have before.
Now I just don't know what to expect. 
But for some reason, I now feel a little more at peace, though this has usually happened in the past when I sin and I repent. The peace comes, and after a while it leaves, probably due to me not doing something right.
Dear Lord, just...just keep me!
I'm simply at a loss for words now.
Man, I'm sorry for your situation getting as bad as it is. I can't think of anything to say, and I don't feel something special coming out of my heart, so I'll just agree with what the others have said for you.
I'll pray.
Pray for me too please.
I just don't know what to expect. So many times I've repented, so many times I've got back to it, like a dog to its vomit (though, funnily enough, our dogs don't like to eat their vomit), but you know what I mean. I feel as though there's no use making promises, since I've broken them so many times. I don't even know if I'm gonna stay pure for the next 24 hours.
I know I can't do it alone.
I guess I wasn't at a loss for words. 
Usually I'm a happy person. Even when I get moody and grouchy (and I do), I get annoyed at times when this joy creeps up on me. I can't explain it. But right now, I don't know what to feel. I've felt joy, only to be replaced with regret. Then I feel the joy again. I almost don't want to feel it. It's like an annoying presence. But...its contagious. It's our strength after all!
I'm just rambling.
Thanks for reading my ramblings this far.
I'll go now.
____________________
"In the world you will have trouble, but I leave you my peace that where I am there you may also be." - Jesus
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guitarist63
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Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 07:13 pm |
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Hello Man, GuitaristJohn, CB, Holdsworth and others here
I am away a lot from these boards because am busy and am also away from any internet for periods. Sorry to be away but it can't be avoided.
Last edited on Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 07:19 pm by guitarist63
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CB
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Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 07:36 pm |
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I'm praying for you guitarist(john,63) 
CB!
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guitarist63
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Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 08:35 pm |
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Thanks CB for your prayers for me and for Guitarist John. Let me know what prayers you might need specifically. PM, if you want to.
Last edited on Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 08:35 pm by guitarist63
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Man
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Posted: Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 02:27 am |
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Entertained fantasies again.
I don't know why it happened? Is reality yo much for me? I don't know. Maybe it is better if I stop it and try do something better, but it is difficult. Maybe it is fear: Do something new.? I don't know..
How do you deal with this guys? And remember: I am not very interested in preaching, but maybe someone has some good ideas.
Last edited on Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 02:36 am by Man
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blueeyesman
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Posted: Mon Aug 25th, 2008 04:02 am |
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Dear Group,
My last post was March 14, 2008...I am going to Living Waters in Balsom Grove, NC...Living Waters is a Retreat in last week of October for four days..I am on internet with a filter..Today, is day 4 thats pretty good.My best was 3 days..Tomorrow is day 5..I usally don't get past 5 days..After 7 days, I will quit counting days..I am in a program and wasn't doing to good with it...By Teen Challenge Cares..I am gonna repeat the class..It runs for 9 weeks on Thursdays.
I am improving...Usally when goto church.I stay seated and not interact at Music or preaching.Today, I did something about it..and joined in.and not just sit and do nothing..My not be much to you..But big improvment to me..
Thanks,
Matthew
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Guitarist_John
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Posted: Tue Aug 26th, 2008 01:08 pm |
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Last night I had a lustful dream, and when I awoke, I wanted it to continue, so I indulged with my thoughts.
The desire to MB came strong, but, by God's grace, I resisted, and I repented.
These confounded dreams are certainly uncalled for. I've been doing quite good, praise the Lord, till today, but, praise the Lord, I'll keep doing good.
I've been so afraid of giving in again lately, that is been keeping me on edge and more ready to resist. That dream though, came out of nowhere and put things upside down, and I had it right before I awoke too... so it was still very fresh in my memory, and the thoughts to keep on entertaining were almost (note the almost) impossible to resist.
It's hard to have a steadfast heart and will when you've just woken up and you're still tired. I need to work on that.
I know its impossible without God.
Keep on keeping on.
____________________
"In the world you will have trouble, but I leave you my peace that where I am there you may also be." - Jesus
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Man
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Posted: Tue Aug 26th, 2008 02:30 pm |
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Thanks for your reply. Just fantasized and did sexual things
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Aug 26th, 2008 10:42 pm |
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Hello Guitarist John and others here
I've been doing all right for past few days but it was getting rather uncomfortable on Tuesday evening after having worked around 9 hours solid. The hard work dissipates the energy that lust thrives on but it will tend to have only a delaying effect and then another new day presents the same problem.
Last edited on Wed Aug 27th, 2008 06:16 pm by guitarist63
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Guitarist_John
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Posted: Thu Aug 28th, 2008 10:18 am |
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guitarist63 wrote:
The hard work dissipates the energy that lust thrives on but it will tend to have only a delaying effect and then another new day presents the same problem.
Yeah, but hard work is still a good distraction.
As for me, well, since it's late Summer, and since I live near the coast of the Adriatic Sea, naturally there's gonna be all sorts of scantily clad people swimming and so on. As of late, I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping my eyes straight ahead; I've been letting them drift and look at places longer than they should.
I haven't indulged in my thoughts like I did on Tuesday, but now I need to make sure my eyes stay away from things that are actually real.
Thankfully, the Summer and tourist season will be ending soon enough.
For some reason though, I actually am surprised that I've lasted until today (with God's grace) and not given in to MB. I want this to continue. I'm tired of feeling like a backstabber to God; sinning, then repenting, then sinning again.
Praise the Lord, regardless.
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"In the world you will have trouble, but I leave you my peace that where I am there you may also be." - Jesus
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Aug 28th, 2008 08:27 pm |
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Guitarist John,
Good to hear you're going strong. Hard work definitely is a help in dissipating the bodies sexual urges.
Perhaps there's another way. If you have the leisure to do it:
Maybe if you explore the ancient Byzantine/ Romanesque churches that haven't been demolished by recent wars, you could find some marvellous early Byzantine paintings of Christ Pantocrator decorating the ceilings, walls, altars, etc. Or maybe bicycle rides inland to get away from the sand and discover what the country is like away from the sea.
Write a book - travels in the Adriatic or something like that. With a camera, it could be interesting if well-researched and written.
I spoke too soon and back to square one again.
Last edited on Thu Aug 28th, 2008 08:46 pm by guitarist63
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Man
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Posted: Fri Aug 29th, 2008 03:43 am |
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Hi guys, it doesn't go clean.
It's as if there is building up emptiness inside me and then I have to see just "a little bit". Life seems to be too empty/ hard. I can't stand it any more and then...
Maybe this is a way to show me that I need to live different: Live in a way that this emptiness not comes.. Maybe this extreme emptiness and falling can be kindo guideline for me...
When it is gone, then I maybe live more right? Maybe it is a call for me to live in a way that this emptiness not comes...? Be nice to myself and fill up right early... before the fall comes..?
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holdsworth
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Posted: Sat Aug 30th, 2008 04:15 pm |
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update: generally doing O.K although the 'need' or 'temptation' to return back to 'old' ways is at times ridiculous!. Today and yesterday found myself going 'there' but again I decided to get out and not go along with it.
also....Faith is a funny and strange thing!!!
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anonms
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Posted: Sat Aug 30th, 2008 09:10 pm |
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Darn it all.
Has anyone here seen the movie 1408? Do you remember the scene where the main character thinks he's escaped from the room, and suddenly all the walls around him begin to peel away, and he's right back where he started, cursing himself for being so naive, pleading with himself?
I was out. I was out. That's all I can think.
I was free for a full 3 weeks this time. I left for college and began living in a much more wholesome way. I was p/m free for 3 weeks.
right now I'm typing from home. It was as if coming here just pulled me right back in to my old habits, my old, sinful stomping grounds.
I wish I felt worse about what I've done. But I feel cheated, cursed, even.
I was out.
back to the drawing board. again.
anonms
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