Newsletter Archive Home
Blazing Grace Newsletter, December 2005
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* Surviving Christmas
* You’re not Alone
* Porn Billboards
* The Blazing Grace Radio Show
* Oswald’s words
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Surviving Christmas
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”, goes the old Andy Williams song… but for many the Christmas season is cold, harsh and unwelcome. The anticipation of reuniting the pieces of a fractured family can invoke emotions of sorrow, anger, regret or anxiety. The struggler with porn, who barely functions emotionally, knows he must put on a happy face and pretend that all is well for his family; it would be a disaster if Nosey Aunt Nellie or Dysfunctional Uncle Donnie found out about his secret, let alone his parents. He feels more isolated when his family is around than when he’s alone.
The pictures of happy, smiling families getting together for cozy Christmas celebrations can be like sea salt in the heart of the wife of a sex addict. Her husband, shame filled and self absorbed, rarely smiles like the men in the images of Christmas cheer; their marriage is frayed, torn and tired from a year spent in the trenches. Her parents wouldn’t understand, and she feels just as alone as her husband does. The idea of faking it in front of family for 4 days at Christmas time fills her with dread, and she hopes the time will pass quickly. Thankfully, the joy from her children provides a little respite.
Some of you might be thinking, “Well, you’re a wet blanket on a winter day; is your middle name Scrooge?” No, just speaking to the hurting. The main topic of this newsletter is for those of you who are barely making it; here are a few cookie crumbs to chew on for the weeks ahead:
The best gift those who struggle with porn and sex addiction can give their spouse is consistent, weekly attendance at a support group or with an accountability partner. This is a gift of hope to your wife because there is no freedom from lust in isolation, and she rightfully interprets your inaction as continuing in adultery. Your commitment to action shows your bride that you’re willing to sacrifice your pride, divorce porn, and make her the only woman in your life again.
Wives, unless you love being depressed, don’t compare your husband and kids to others. Every family is filled with broken sinners, and we all struggle. The statistics show there’s a 50% chance that the husband of your friend Rosie Sunnyface has the same porn problem your husband does, so you’re not alone. Grace flows freely to our loved ones when it’s not blocked with unrealistic or distorted expectations.
An isolated man and his hurting bride need the Third Chord to bind them together. Couples, pray together once every day, no matter how you feel. Focus on the Family did a survey and found that 1 out of 2 couples who don’t pray together divorce – while only one in 1000 split apart when they do. By entering God’s Presence together, often, you give Him the opportunity to bind up the wounds in your marriage.
Use the word “No,” often. Your first priority is your family, and if they’re hurting you shouldn’t be out trying to save the world (or hiding in ministry). God isn’t going to be impressed if you’re gone 5 nights a week rehearsing for the Christmas pageant while you ditch your family. (And it’s no excuse to avoid meeting with your accountability partner or group.)
Wives, stay close to other godly women who can help you through the holidays. If you’re alone, we have some ladies who are available for support. Email me and I’ll get you plugged in.
Both men and women can find support and encouragement at our forums.
Neither of you can make everyone happy, so don’t go into a coma if a family member doesn’t agree with your plans for the holidays. Stick to your priorities and don’t worry about soothing Aunt Gertie, who blew a gasket when you told her you’re not going to spend $2,000.00 to fly the family on the busiest time of the year to Billings, Montana.
Take the time to rebuild intimacy by dating your spouse, even if it’s just a simple lunch or breakfast; get her flowers, or write a card.
Depression, despair and loneliness are self-perpetuating; don’t narrow your perspective to the hard parts of life. To see God and find peace, you must take your eyes off your problems and look to Him.
Who do you need to forgive? Bitterness and depression are signals that forgiveness is needed; your gift of forgiveness is a 2 way act of grace that heals the poison in your soul and sets another person free.
Who have you hurt and need to ask forgiveness from? Do it now. Don’t allow a cloud of resentment to remain over any your relationships because of pride.
I know that some of you have lost your marriage, and others are going through a divorce because of sex addiction. You miss your spouse, and your kids ache for their father or mother; emotionally this is the hardest month of the year for your family. Please don’t hurt alone; have trusted friends over, or visit them, and let them love on you. God has a special place in His heart for single parent families (Psalms 27:10, James 1:27) and His eyes are on you.
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You’re not Alone
I hear “I thought I was the only one” from those who struggle with porn and their spouses all the time. Well, you’re not; we’re in the middle of a raging porn epidemic. Sometimes just knowing that we’re not alone can provide a little comfort and direction; following are some of the letters and comments I’ve received this year.
This is what the church looks like under the hood:
“As a married man I have struggled with pornography addiction since before I was a Christian. An accountability partner pointed me to your website; I would like to attend your group.”
“My wife and I found advertisements of bikini and underwear models in our 13 year old son’s room; this may have been going on for 3 to 4 months, I suspect he is masturbating.”
“Just checking in with you; I’m doing well on the porn/masturbation issue. A few nights ago I really had a struggle. Part of it was stress related, the rest was just my flesh wanting to act up. I read my Bible/devotional, prayed, put on plenty of clothes and finally went to sleep and slept well...no acting out. Thank you Jesus!”
“I’m having a problem with pornography; the worst part for me is that its gay porn. I used to frequently masturbate at least once a day; God has given me strength and in the last month I’ve only masturbated twice but am still having troubles with it.”
“My problem with porn started years ago, when I was a freshman in high school. Guys on my sports teams at (a Christian school) made porn and masturbation sound like it's something every guy should do. I masturbated on a daily basis for almost three years. I met a girl at school I had a big interest in, and we began dating at the beginning of my senior year. I knew when I started dating her that I would have to stop looking at porn and masturbating if I seriously wanted to date her. I'm still with her, and I only slip up once every few months, but I need help stopping it completely. Every time I slip up it hurts her a great deal, and I hate seeing her in that pain.”
“Your Crosswalk article How Many Porn Addicts are in Your Church? pierced me, Mike. The number of persons in the church ravaged by porn is staggering. I have been naive. At the moment I am extremely sad, and would rather not face these numbers because it pains me to think of some of my friends and leaders in the church besieged and entrapped. Yet, the issue must be attacked with courage, strength and wisdom.”
“I discovered my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker recently. Six years prior to this affair I discovered he was calling and having phone sex. My husband’s father had affairs and left his family after he graduated from high school. After the divorce, his mother also had an affair with a married man. We have been married for more than 15 years and have five children; I discovered his affair when pregnant with our last child. Needless to say, after all this my self esteem is at an all time low. I’m amazed I’m not drooling in a rubber room somewhere.”
“After more than 20 years of suspicion and accusations, my husband admitted to having a problem with porn/sex addiction. One of the worst things he told me about was his sexual fantasies about my daughter who is now married with children. I have talked to my husband about an accountability partner, and he says he doesn't need one because there is no struggle or temptation for him. I find that hard to believe due to the fact that he has been acting out since he was a teenager. He says he is afraid to attend a support group because it could become public knowledge.”
“I am 40 years old and have been addicted to pornography since I was 13. A while back I took a job as a teacher at a Christian school and thought I would be ok. I recently was involved in an inappropriate relationship with a girl and now I feel as if I need to resign from my position.”
“I attend a big name Christian College and struggle with porn and masturbation. Recently when I saw a counselor on campus he told me that porn is a big problem here. The college did a sweep of all computers on campus before they installed their internet filter, and the majority of internet traffic was pornographic. I later found out that 64% of the internet hits were for porn. Mind you, this is a highly devoted Christian college.”
“My husband is in a ministry position here in our church, and he recently discovered that our pastor (who has led our flock for more than 20 years) has been looking at internet porn. We have sensed from the beginning that there was a problem. We know God has revealed this to us for a reason, but are unsure how to handle this situation.”
“My husband and I have a fourteen year old son who is addicted to porn. We have tried everything we know and nothing has worked. We have porn blockers and my husband has installed different programs, but our son always finds a way around them. I don't know if your group allows fourteen year olds, but he needs it!”
“I am a full time senior pastor struggling with internet porn and masturbation. My addiction has gone up a notch lately and is affecting everything; my wife was gone last weekend and I had a serious binge. Can you help?”
“I just found your web site; I love the articles. My husband has been porn and masturbation free for a number of years. We have both grown closer to each other and out marriage is stronger than ever. I have found your articles to be right on. My husband only found complete healing through Christ; I only found healing through Christ. Oh I got close, about 85%, but my resentment and hurt were still strong. Only through Jesus have I been able to heal.”
“I am glad I've found this website! Praise God for how you are dealing with a problem that is infecting the world worse than any virus or infection known to man. I am a pastor who
has struggled with sexual addiction before and understands the joy that comes from being set free from the bondage of guilt and shame. Although Christ sets us free, it is up to us to continue to resist our sinful nature to give in to our lust.”
“I read your article on masturbation and think it is one of the best Christian perspectives on the topic that I have read (not very many out there, sadly). The Tree of Life was really speaking through it; there was no condemnation. Glory be to God! My only comment is that women were not included as participants in this struggle. The statistics for masturbation were all about men. I understand that masturbation is more discussed among men, but it happens among women also. The subject is just one that is "not to be discussed" among women.”
“I have struggled with sex addiction for many years. I am a Christian, and believe that God wants me to be free. I’m intimidated by other men, which leaves me at a loss as to having an accountability partner or group. I feel like I’m on a performance stage and don't know how to stop and deal with this problem.”
“Thank you for your ministry; many churches don’t want to deal with these issues. The message on masturbation was very helpful; I am a woman and have been struggling with this for many years. I can say now there is hope going to Christ as my comfort.”
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The Blazing Grace Radio Show
Shows for December:
December 3 - Interview with 2 Former Sex Offenders, part 1
December 10 - Interview with 2 Former Sex Offenders, part 2
December 17 - The Redemptive Vision; Giving Back.
December 24 – On Air Father Blessings.
For the 12/24 show, Rob McIntyre and I gave 2 of each of our children a father’s blessing on the air. You can download this and all other broadcasts at no cost at: http://www.blazinggrace.org/radio.htm.
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New Prayer Requests:
My name is Carlos and 2-1/2 years ago I had an affair. I thank God that my marriage and family were saved only by the Grace of God. I still struggle with porn and lust; please pray for me that I would stay pure and be faithful to God and my wife.
"I am standing for marriage restoration to my husband, Herbert. He left a week ago to live in adultery with a woman name Vickie who wants to marry him. Herbert has asked me for a divorce. We have two small boys ages 4 and 5. They miss their father and call him daily. Their father is under the stronghold of adultery, lust, parties, and flattery. I know God can deliver and save my husband and heal our hearts."
Lawanda
Please pray that God will heal me in every area of my life; protect me from all hurt, harm, and danger; promote me upon my job to become a trainer; open doors so that I can tell of his healing power; pray that I will eat healthy, exercise and take excellent care of myself for God. Thank You for Your Prayers.
Linda
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Oswald’s Words
“Is my obedience a spontaneous response to God’s love or a calculated effort to earn it? Do I work to earn God’s blessing or rest to receive His love?”
From “Faith, a Holy Walk,” by Oswald Chambers.
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Past newsletters are archived here.
I enjoy reading your feedback.
May God’s grace abound to you.
Mike Genung
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All material copyright 2005 Mike Genung
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