Newsletter Archive Home
Blazing Grace Newsletter, September 2005
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* The Truth Behind the Fantasy of Porn
* Real World Struggles: Prayer Requests
* New Content: Healing for Wives, and more…
* Words from Oswald
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For this month’s newsletter we have a guest writer, who has a unique perspective on what pornography is really about:
The Truth Behind the Fantasy of Porn
by Shelley Lubben, former porn actress
Sex-packed porn films featuring freshly-dyed blondes whose evocative eyes say “I want you” are quite possibly one of the greatest deceptions of all time. Trust me, I know. I did it all the time, and I did it for the lust of power and the love of money. I never liked sex. I never wanted sex and in fact I was more apt to spend time with Jack Daniels than some of the studs I was paid to “fake it” with. That’s right none of us freshly-dyed blondes like doing porn. In fact, we hate it. We hate being touched by strangers who care nothing about us. We hate being degraded with their foul smells and sweaty bodies. Some women hate it so much you can hear them vomiting in the bathroom between scenes. Others can be found outside smoking an endless chain of Marlboro lights…
But the porn industry wants you to think we porn actresses love sex. They want you to think we enjoy being degraded by all kinds of repulsive acts. The truth: porn actresses have showed up on the set not knowing about certain requirements and were told by porn producers to do it or leave without being paid. Work or never work again. Yes, we made the choice. Some of us needed the money. But we were manipulated and coerced and even threatened. Some of us caught HIV from that coercion. I personally caught Herpes, a non-curable sexually transmitted disease. Another porn actress went home after a long night of numbing her pain and put a pistol to her head and pulled the trigger. Now she’s dead.
It’s safe to say most women who turn to porn acting as a money-making enterprise, probably didn’t grow up in healthy childhoods either. Indeed, many actresses admit they’ve experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and neglect by parents. Some were raped by relatives and molested by neighbors. When we were little girls we wanted to play with dollies and be mommies, not have big scary men get on top of us. The same horrible violations we experienced then, we relive through as we perform our tricks for you in front of the camera. And we hate every minute of it. We’re traumatized little girls living on anti-depressants, drugs and alcohol acting out our pain in front of YOU who continue to abuse us.
As we continue to traumatize ourselves by making more adult films, we use more and more drugs and alcohol. We live in constant fear of catching AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. Every time there’s an HIV scare we race to the nearest clinic for an emergency checkup. Pornographers insist giving viewers the fantasy sex they demand all the while sacrificing the very ones who make it happen. In other words, no condoms allowed. Herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, and other diseases are the normal anxieties we walk around with daily. We get tested monthly but we know testing isn’t prevention. Besides worrying about catching diseases from porn sex, there are other harmful activities we engage in that are also very dangerous. Some of us have had physical tearing and damage to internal body parts.
When porn actresses call it a day and head home we attempt to have normal healthy relationships but some of our boyfriends get jealous and physically abuse us. So instead we marry our porn directors while others of us prefer lesbian relationships. It’s a real memory making moment when our daughter accidentally walks out and sees mommy kissing another girl. My daughter will vouch for that one.
On our days off we walk around like zombies with a beer in one hand and a shot of whiskey in the other. We aren’t up to cleaning so we live in filth most of the time or we hire a sweet foreign lady to come in and clean up our mess. Porn actresses aren’t the best cooks either. Ordering food in is normal for us and most of the time we throw up after we eat because we’re bulimic.
For porn actresses who have children, we are the world’s worst mothers. We yell and scream and hit our kids for no reason. Most of the time we are intoxicated or high and our four year olds are the ones picking us up off the floor. When clients come over, we lock our children in their rooms and tell them to be quiet. I use to give my daughter a beeper and tell her to wait at the park until I was finished.
The truth is there is no fantasy in porn. It’s all a lie. A closer look into the scenes of a porn star’s life will show you a movie porn doesn’t want you to see. The real truth is we porn actresses want to end the shame and trauma of our lives but we can’t do it alone. We need you men to fight for our freedom and give us back our honor. We need you to hold us in your strong arms while we sob tears over our deep wounds and begin to heal. We want you throw out our movies and help piece together the shattered fragments of our lives. We need you to pray for us the next fifteen years so God will hear and repair our ruined lives.
So don’t believe the lie anymore. Porn is nothing more than fake sex and lies on videotape. Trust me, I know.
Dedicated to all the porn actresses who caught HIV, died from drug overdose and committed suicide.
Shelley Lubben was a porn actress who was also involved in prostitution, until the Lord changed her life. Today she is a happily married mother of three daughters with a ministry to the sexually broken at www.shelleylubben.com .
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Real World Struggles: Prayer Requests:
"I have been through years of sexual addiction problems with my husband and still we struggle on. I am reading a book called "The Battle Is The Lord's" but I struggle daily with letting go and letting God. The pain and lack of trust seem to being drowning me since I just learned of another incident. I believe in marriage and love my husband. I would like prayer for our marriage and for my husband to go to counseling. He refuses at this point and I'm trusting God for a miracle."
Waiting on the Lord, P.Jane
"I am a committed Christian and been married for five months and discovered quite by chance that my husband is indulging heavily in internet porn. I have confronted him twice already and he has denied it. I have been praying and need your prayers too for his release."
Camille
"I gratefully request prayer for my husband and I; we've been married for 22 years with seven children; we're struggling with the pains, tears and trials of infidelity and sexual addiction. Ask God to give us His grace to carry this cross and to heal our relationship and save us from falling into despair. Most thankful for the prayers."
JJS.
"Please pray for my husband Troy. He uses the internet to gather porn and to chat with other women. He has asked for a divorce."
Kellie
"I need prayer for my husband's deliverance from his addiction and my healing from the effects of it. Shortly after he confessed his addiction to me, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Thanks for caring. It is such a difficult place I find myself in, not many are talking openly about this problem in the church and no one seems to know how to minister to it."
Robin
"My husband and I both suffer from sexual addiction. I have recently realized and admitted to it; my husband attended a 12 step recovery meeting and said that he felt it didn't correlate to him. He is now seeking a divorce. Thank you for your prayers."
Nedra
Update – Since submitting this prayer request, Nedra’s husband has now agreed to work it out with her. Please continue to pray for their marriage.
Please pray for two Steves (father and son) in Bethlehem, Ga., that God will give them the grace and guidance to stay clean and pure. That they might look at women for their beauty on the inside and not objects to be lusted after. Thanks and may God bless you and your ministry.
Cindy
Please pray for me (Mike) and my family for protection from spiritual attack, and that God would use the Blazing Grace ministry as He pleases.
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New content added to the Blazing Grace website:
A new page for wives who are struggling to deal with their husband’s sex addiction is up at: Healing for Wives
Past newsletters are archived here.
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Words from Oswald
“The disciples, after being around Jesus, want to learn to pray. If I do not yet see the need to pray, what does that say about my closeness to Jesus?”
From Oswald Chambers’ “Prayer, a Holy Occupation.”
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May God’s grace abound to you.
Mike Genung
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