Newsletter Archive Home
Blazing Grace Newsletter, August 2005
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* The Forgotten Ones
* I need to know about your group!
* The Blazing Grace radio show
* New material
* Words from Oswald
* Prayer requests
* Intercessors wanted!
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The Forgotten Ones
by Mike Genung
Wives
Since 50-60% of Christian men have a porn problem, this means that, at some point, 50-60% of our wives will need help coping with the devastating, traumatic effects of their husband’s betrayal. (I say “at some point” because most men do their best to hide their struggle with sexual sin for as long as they can.)
I sometimes ask the guys in our group to ask their wives to write them a letter detailing how their husband’s porn/sex addiction problem has affected them. A few years back, I asked my wife to do the same, and the following is what she wrote:
“You asked me to write a letter about how your addiction affected me. At the time, things were a bit hazy and I was young and didn't know what to think of everything.
It really flared my insecurities up. I measured myself up to other women "in your eyes". I was always trying to see what you'd find more attractive in others - where my flaws were. In the beginning of our marriage it was the worst. My insecurities plus your addiction equaled disaster.
I watched porn movies a few times out of curiosity to see where I was lacking in bed.
In a way it was self-torture. "I wasn't good enough", "I didn't measure up". What was it that you were looking at or drawn to that I couldn't fill? I was constantly looking at women (probably more than you) to see if you'd notice her smaller waist, her bigger chest, her whatever.
I've gotten better about not letting it be "my fault". If you ever decide to go down that road again and self destruct, it isn't going to be my fault. It'll affect me yes, but not like 12 years ago.
Your sex addiction ruined the little bit of self-esteem I had back then, and there wasn't much of it to begin with. It put me on guard for everything - I was afraid that if I wasn't "perfect" (whatever that is) you'd leave or stray. I made you my everything, which was wrong, and when you cheated on me with a prostitute in 1991 it devastated me.
Today I still struggle with insecurity; I'm paranoid about any pictures that might be in something we might get in the mail, or even a magazine I might want to read. It’s not that I think you're going to go back to where you were, but that you'll see in that picture what you don't have in me.”
From talking with other women whose husband has a problem with porn or sex addiction, I know they experience the same pain and trauma that my bride did... “It’s my fault… I can’t measure up… my self esteem is ruined… this hurts so much…”
For a woman to reach out and talk about her husbands porn problem to others can be just as hard as it is for her husband to do, because of reactions like “if you were giving him more sex he wouldn’t have this problem… it’s just a temporary thing, I’m sure he’ll get over it… all men do it, what’s the big deal? … maybe he’s just under stress, they need that release, you know….” Comments like these trample a woman’s heart and keep her trapped in the “it’s my fault” lie.
Behind every married man who struggles with porn or sex addiction, there is a hurting wife. These wounded ones need the church’s help and attention, too.
Those who struggle with Homosexuality
“Wait a minute!” you say… “we hear about homosexuality all the time in the news.”
Yes, we hear a lot about homosexuality in the context of the culture war, but all too often the message of grace is drowned out to those in our midst who struggle and want out.
I started the Blazing Grace ministry January of this year, and have been caught off guard by the number of Christian men who’ve contacted me with a struggle with homosexuality. Like their brothers who battle with heterosexual porn, they wanted help, but their shame and fear of rejection is more intense… “I’m afraid if I tell other men what I struggle with that they’ll be turned off and reject me… I’m on the wrong end of the cultural war, which makes going to the church for help a terrifying prospect… I’ve never had a normal friendship with another man; I want normal friendships with other guys but don’t know how… I feel like a leper.“
Every man I’ve ever seen who struggled with sex addiction, whether it was with hetero or homosexuality, has a deep father wound. Those who struggle with homosexuality have taken their father wound to a logical (albeit sinful) conclusion. These broken ones are in need of healing that the church can provide by the power of the blood of Christ, but we’re going to have to make an effort to speak up and let them know that the church is a safe place for them.
I’ve not seen statistics on the number of Christian men who struggle with homosexuality, probably because the church at large isn’t asking the question. From the response I’ve seen this year, I’d be willing to bet the numbers are a lot bigger than we’d think.
Women who struggle with sex addiction
I’ve received a number of emails from women reminding me that they struggle with sex addiction too, and this isn’t just a men’s problem. A few stats:
* 17% of all women struggle with porn addiction
* 1 of 3 visitors to all adult websites are women
* 9.4 million women access adult websites every month
Internet Filter Review
* 34 percent of female readers of Today's Christian Woman's online newsletter admitted to intentionally accessing Internet porn in a recent poll.
And, someone I know at the Family Dynamics Institute told me that 45% of those they counsel for sex addiction are women.
Women who struggle with sex addiction tend to gravitate towards illicit affairs, chat rooms and cybersex – things that provide a pseudo relationship. Like the rest, these broken ones are searching for God’s love in the wrong place. They take the cry of their heart to men or illicit relationships, instead of the God of all Peace, Who waits to take them in His hands and fill them with the love and affection they’re starved for.
These wounded ones need a safe place and persons to be accountable to, as well as the men. I’ve been getting requests from women about setting up a Strength in Numbers group for ladies; it is my hope that we’ll start to see more groups spring up across the nation.
Our Youth
* The Kaiser Family Foundation found that among teens online, 70 percent have accidentally come across pornography on the Web.
* Nine out of 10 children aged between eight and 16 have viewed pornography on the Internet. In most cases, the sex sites were accessed unintentionally when a child, often in the process of doing homework, used a seemingly innocent sounding word to search for information or pictures.
(London School of Economics January 2002)
* 44% of children polled have visited x-rated sites or sites with sexual content. Moreover, 43% of children said they do not have rules about Internet use in their homes.
(Time/CNN Poll, 2000)
I can’t think of one man or woman I knew who struggled with porn or sex addiction who wasn’t hooked in their teen years. I recently received an email from a concerned mother, asking for advice on what to do to help her 14 year old son – who was a full blown porn addict. We currently have an 18 year old guy attending our local Strength in Numbers group in Colorado Springs who got hooked on porn in his early teen years. A few months back, two guys in their late teens/early 20’s showed up; one said that pornography “was all over the boy scouts,” and the other, who’d attended a private Catholic high school, said that porn “was a normal part of life there for most of the boys.”
To date, the church’s efforts at containing the porn epidemic have been damage control, at best. We need to talk to adults about it, but we will never gain the upper hand on the black plague of porn until we start talking openly and forcefully about it to our kids.
This means we need to start talking to our kids when they’re 10, 11 and 12 years old about porn and how harmful it is. Maybe even earlier. We need to train them to talk about their fears, sins and struggles at an earlier age so that when they’re exposed to porn they tell us, rather than keep it to themselves and allow sin to take hold.
Our junior high pastors, teachers and leaders need to talk to kids in clear terms about the dangers of sexual sin and provide a strong Biblical basis for how to handle it. We must set our fear of talking about sex aside and plunge in with our kids – they need our leadership and guidance on these issues.
If we don’t prepare our children in advance for the battle, the chances are high they’ll be another casualty.
Employees of the sex and porn industry
Any industry that generates 12 billion dollars in annual revenue will have a lot of employees. Those who turn to prostitution, exotic dancing or porn movies suffer an immense amount of trauma and pain. On average, a girl who acts in a porn movie does it once because the experience is so devastating.
We recently had Shelley Lubben, a former prostitute and porn actress who turned to Christ on the Blazing Grace radio show. Shelley shared the horrific effects that prostitution, exotic dancing and acting in porn movies had on her life. The fantasies seen on film or the internet are created by men and women who hate every minute of what they’re doing; most are on drugs are alcohol. At one point it got so bad that Shelley tried committing suicide, yet God still had a plan for her life.
Shelley told us that it took her awhile to find, in her words, “a relevant church” that could help her in her journey to healing. It was a hard road that took years, but today she’s a shining example of how God changes lives.
What is a relevant church? It’s a band of Christians who are willing to get in the gutter, get dirty, and come along side those who are broken and in need of God’s love.
Relevant Christians don’t expect to see those who are struggling with sin get cleaned up in a one time slam dunk event; they understand it takes time. They look past the sin, scars, shame and fear, and go for the heart.
If the body of Christ wants to be relevant, we need to speak to people where they are.
This means we get honest with the fact that 50-60% of our men and 25-30% of our
women are struggling with porn/sex addiction; that there are many wounded wives out
there who need our help, and some of our men are struggling with homosexuality.
And, even as you read this, another young Christian boy or girl is getting hooked on porn.
Oh, and we have to own up to the fact that some 50% of pastors have a porn problem.
In other words, porn and sex addiction are hitting men, women and children at every level
of the church.
To be relevant, we need to talk clearly about these issues from the pulpit and offer help to
the hurting. The more we hide this problem, the worse it gets.
“Then it happened that as Jesus was reclining at the table in the house, behold,
many tax collectors and sinners came and were dining with Jesus and His
disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, "Why is your
Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?" But when Jesus heard this, He
said, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick.
"But go and learn what this means: `I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,' for I did not
come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Matthew 9:10-13
And to the angel of the church in Thyatira write:
"These things says the Son of God, who has the eyes like a flame of fire, and His feet like fine brass: "I know your works, love, service, faith and your patience; and as for your works, the last are more than the first. Nevertheless I have a few things against you, because you allow that woman Jezebel who calls herself a prophetess, to teach and seduce my servants to commit sexual immorality and eat things sacrificed to idols. And I gave her time to repent of her sexual immorality and she did not repent. Indeed I will cast her into a sickbed, and those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of their deeds. I will kill her children with death, and all the churches will know that I am He who searches the minds and hearts. And I will give to each one of you according to your works. "
Revelations 2:18-23 (Thyatira is known as the corrupt church.)
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Please consider starting a group
I get requests from men and women often who need a support group for sexual addiction. You who are leaders in the church, please consider setting up a Strength in Numbers group for men and/or women in your church. Laypersons, please make your pastors aware of the need for a group and show them the stats. Not every pastor knows the numbers are so high. If you have a small church you might consider partnering your group up with other churches. More information is available at here.
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I Need to Know About Your Group!!!
If you’ve set up a group, please tell me! I need to know every group that’s out there so we can get others plugged in.
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The Blazing Grace Radio Show
The show airs locally on Saturdays at 11:00am on 100.7 FM; those of you outside of Colorado Springs can download the shows in mp3 format at our radio page.
We’ve had two awesome guests this month; Carol, a wife of a sex addict joined us for two shows, and so did Shelley Lubben. You can download MP3’s of these shows at the link above.
Shelley Lubben has a website at: www.shelleylubben.com.
One way you can help expose the issue of sexual sin and provide help to the body of Christ is to get the Blazing Grace Radio show on an FM station in your area. If several churches band together to pick up the costs to air the show, the monthly cost per church would be several hundred dollars a month, depending on how big your city is. (The broadcast costs in a large metropolitan area like Los Angeles would be higher.) The stations normally provide some ad time along with the broadcasts, so the churches who sponsor the show (who hopefully would also start a Strength in Numbers group) could invite listeners who need help to come to their group or contact them for help.
Please email me if you’re interested in doing this.
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New content added to the Blazing Grace website:
Healing Father Wounds
To read my Crosswalk.com article called “How Many Porn Addicts are in Your Church?” go to http://www.crosswalk.com/faith/pastors/1336107.html
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Words from Oswald
“Faith for my deliverance is not faith in God. Faith means, whether I am visibly delivered or not, I will stick to my belief that God is love. There are some things learned only in a fiery furnace.”
From Oswald Chambers’ “Faith, a Holy Walk”
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Prayer requests:
Please pray for Nedra and her husband. Both struggle with sex addiction and Nedra’s husband is seeking a divorce.
I need prayer, for wisdom and protection for my family and I.
Please ask the Lord to encourage churches everywhere to speak out on porn/sex addiction, and that many support groups would be set up across the nation.
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Got a heart for intercessory prayer ?
I get prayer requests and need some persons who could serve in a prayer team for this ministry. Please email me if you are willing to do this.
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May God’s grace abound to you.
Mike Genung
Feel free to forward this email.
All material copyright 2005 Mike Genung
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