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Blazing Grace Newsletter, July 2005
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* A Place Where Everyone Knows Your Name
* The other reason…
* I need to know about your group!
* Phone support groups?
* Crosswalk.com article
* The Blazing Grace radio show
* Words from Oswald
* Prayer requests
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A Place Where Everyone Knows Your Name
by Mike Genung
Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.
You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.
Those lyrics are from the theme to Cheers, the television series that ran from 1982-1993.
Cheers was a bar in Boston where good friends met; a place where “everyone knew their name… and the others “were always glad they came.” It was a place where they didn’t need to have it all together or put on an act; this honesty provided some of the funniest and most touching moments in the show. They shared their struggles, failures and successes together; when times got tough for one of them the others rallied around in support. Their friendships sustained them through the storms of life.
I often think that our Strength in Numbers group here in Colorado Springs is my Cheers.
I don’t need to have it all together, and neither do the others, in fact, it’s our weaknesses (our common struggle with lust) that brought us together. We can share anything without fear of rejection, and we talk openly about our struggles with lust, issues in our marriages, and other areas of life.
When the others share honestly of their weaknesses I feel like I’ve made a friend for life, even if they never show up again. Our main goal is to support and point each other to Christ, so we leave the fixing to God. We pray for each other at the end of the meetings, and our time together in God’s presence is a shot of spiritual energy that propels me through the week. Monday nights I often walk out feeling my load is lighter, and life is a little easier.
Our version of Cheers on Monday nights is what the body of Christ is supposed to look like: broken men and women being vulnerable with each other so they can be lifted up with grace, healing and support.
“Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed.” James 5:16
And yet, many Christians have never experienced the blessing of the James 5:16 way of life. They go to church on Sunday, and that’s as good as it gets. They wither in loneliness and isolation, trying to live life on their own. It doesn’t work, and it wasn’t meant to. The early church that so many Christians want to get back to was a picture of community and transparency (Acts 2:42-47, 19:16-20). God’s plan wasn’t for the church to be a large, impersonal corporation where we hide from each other in cubicles of isolation.
But, if the James 5:16 way of life is so great, and God wants us to live this way, why is cubicle Christianity so often the norm?
1. Because of shame.
Sexual sin leaves us feeling like a soiled diaper; there’s no glory in admitting we masturbated to porn, had anonymous sex in a gay bar, or engaged in cybersex – especially for the married. But, when we have a place to go “where everyone knows our name” and we can be brutally honest with our sins without condemnation, the crippling burden of shame disintegrates. Think of how Jesus gently restored Peter after he’d denied Christ 3 times, how Jesus spoke to the woman caught in adultery… Jesus set broken men and women free with grace, which is undeserved favor. We do the same when we accept each other like He did.
2. The fear of rejection and condemnation.
In 1990, when my wife and I lived in California, we went to a marriage retreat that our church put on. As was usual for me at the time, I was floundering in shame from another porn binge (that my wife was unaware of.) The guy teaching the retreat was a retired pastor, and during one of the breaks I decided to talk to him about my struggle. I was desperate and hoped he could help in any way; point me in a direction, pray for me, or even just listen.
When we stopped for the morning break I told my wife I wanted to talk to him alone…
I approached him nervously… this was the first time I’d opened up with my porn problem to anyone in the church…
“Hi… I’ve been struggling with someone that I need help with.”
His eyes brightened. “Sure! What’s the problem?”
Big swallow.
“Uhhh… I’ve been struggling with porn… and don’t know what to do about it…”
His expression changed from Sunday happy face to mad; he bored into me with his eyes and said: “Just stop doing it! Just stop!” I nodded weakly and walked away, looking for a hole to crawl into.
Reactions like the one I experienced 15 years ago aren’t rare in the church. There are many who are intimidated when we share our weaknesses, especially sexual sin. But, just because some aren’t able to help it doesn’t mean we give up hope – or sit in judgment of them. We’re all broken and in need of grace. If I would have given up in 1990 chances are I’d still be stuck in slavery to sexual sin, and wouldn’t be writing this newsletter to you today.
If you’ve been hurt or humiliated by someone when you opened up, don’t allow despair to take you down. God won’t give up on you, and He has many in His body who can help.
3. “I’m the only one.”
I can’t think of a guy who’s come to our groups who didn’t think he was “the only one” who struggled with sex or porn addiction. This lie is a direct result of the church’s silence about sexual sin. The statistics show that at least 50% of all Christian men have an issue with porn, so the truth is that you’re not alone.
4. The P word.
Pride keeps us from coming to terms with the fact that our life is a “fatal tragedy,” as Oswald Chambers puts it. Facing our brokenness forces us to see we can’t overcome sin on our own and that we need God and others. Brokeness is a blessing that leads to life, grace, and freedom from shame; pride is a trap that keeps us trapped in sin.
5. An unwillingness to give up sexual sin
For many this is the heart of the matter. Lust has become their god; their sick source of love and comfort. Without lust, they think, how will I be loved? What will replace it? Without lust they know they’ll have to face the pain, emptiness, insecurity and fear they’ve been running from all their life.
The good news is that God can fill the emptiness inside with something much better, and their friends at the local “Cheers” can help them through the process so they don’t have to go it alone.
Pastors who struggle with porn or sex addiction need “a place where everyone knows their name” too. In addition to the struggles above, pastors can be saddled with an additional unwanted burden that the layperson doesn’t have to deal with: the expectation that they be a flawless god who never fails. Too often we allow our celebrity obsessed culture to brainwash us into thinking that our pastors are the Holy Ones Who Never Sin. The church imprisons its pastors, priests and leaders in a golden cage of idol worship when we don’t allow them to be broken like we are. When a pastor asks me “how do I find accountability?” I know he’s really saying that his church isn’t a safe place for him to be vulnerable with his weaknesses. It wouldn’t be this way if we all understood our common brokenness and need for grace.
In our relatively small city of 500,000 here in Colorado Springs, I receive many emails from men who want to come to our Strength in Numbers group, yet few show up. I know there are many of you who want help but are holding back.
Once you step out and join a community in “A place where everyone knows your name,” it will become one of the greatest blessings of your life. You’ll trade your shame, insecurity, fear and sin for joy, great friendships, support and freedom from sin – and you’ll draw closer to God. You’ll have a place to go where you can find support and encouragement for anything life throws your way, and you’ll learn to be who God’s made you to be.
There’s no better way to live life.
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The Other Reason…
…that many who struggle with sexual sin don’t find help is because they don’t have a safe place to go. You who are leaders in the church should consider setting up a Strength in Numbers group in your church. Laypersons, make your pastors aware of the need for a group. Again, the stats show that at least 50% of all Christian men, pastors included, have an issue with pornography. If you have a small church you might consider partnering your group up with other churches. More information is available here.
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I Need to Know About Your Group!!!
If you’ve set up a group, please tell me! I get inquiries from all over the country for persons who want to attend a Strength in Numbers without a place to send them. I need to know every group that’s out there so we can get others plugged in.
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Phone Support Groups?
Knowing there are many of you who need a group but don’t yet have one available in your city, I’m seriously considering offering phone support groups. The phone groups would be a conference call where up to 8 persons could call in; the meetings would be formatted the same way as the Strength in Numbers group.
Depending on the response, I may offer several different groups; some of the possible categories would be:
A men’s group
Support group for spouses
A group for female sex addicts
A group for those who struggle with homosexuality
A group for pastors
If you’re interested in any of the above, please email me and let me know which category you’re interested in. The time the meetings would start would be sometime between 10:30 – 11:00am U.S. Mountain time, on a day during the week. Because phone noises are amplified to every party in a conference call, no phones can be used with poor reception quality, such as a cell phone or “radio wave” phone.
I’m going to gage whether to offer the phone support groups by the response from this newsletter, so please let me hear from you if you’re interested.
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The Crosswalk Article
Crosswalk.com, who claims to be the largest Christian website has published an article I submitted called “How Many Porn Addicts are in Your Church?” You can read the article at: http://www.crosswalk.com/faith/pastors/1336107.html
A follow up article on how churches can deal with the porn epidemic was submitted to them this week.
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The Blazing Grace Radio Show
The Real Man Show has been renamed the Blazing Grace Radio show; it’s hosted by Jayson Graves, Rob McIntire and myself; all three of us struggled with sex addiction and have been set free by God’s grace.
We hit the topic of porn and sex addiction hard and often in the broadcasts, and our prayer is that God will use them to provide hope and answers to many, as well as encouraging the church to speak out more on the topic. We don’t hold back, and yes we use the M word on air (masturbation). The show airs locally on Saturdays at 11:00am on 100.7 FM; those of you outside of Colorado Springs can download the shows in mp3 format at our radio page.
One way you can help expose the issue of sexual sin and provide help to the body of Christ is to get the Blazing Grace Radio show on an FM station in your area. If several churches band together to pick up the costs to air the show, the monthly cost per church would be several hundred dollars a month, depending on how big your city is. (The broadcast costs in a large metropolitan area like Los Angeles would be higher.) The stations normally provide some ad time along with the broadcasts, so the churches who sponsor the show (who hopefully would also start a Strength in Numbers group) could invite listeners who need help to come to their group or contact them for help.
Please email me if you’re interested in doing this.
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Words from Oswald
“The moral law does not consider our weaknesses as human beings; in fact, it does not take into account our heredity or infirmities. It simply demands that we be absolutely moral. The moral law never changes, either for the highest of society or for the weakest in the world. It is enduring and eternally the same. The moral law, ordained by God, does not make itself weak to the weak by excusing our shortcomings. It remains absolute for all time and eternity. If we are not aware of this, it is because we are less than alive. Once we do realize it, our life immediately becomes a fatal tragedy. "I was alive once without the law, but when the commandment came, sin revived and I died" (Romans 7:9). The moment we realize this, the Spirit of God convicts us of sin. Until a person gets there and sees that there is no hope, the Cross of Christ remains absurd to him. Conviction of sin always brings a fearful, confining sense of the law. It makes a person hopeless - ". . . sold under sin" (Romans 7:14). I, a guilty sinner, can never work to get right with God - it is impossible. There is only one way by which I can get right with God, and that is through the death of Jesus Christ. I must get rid of the underlying idea that I can ever be right with God because of my obedience. Who of us could ever obey God to absolute perfection?
From Oswald Chambers’ “My Utmost for His Highest”…
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Prayer requests:
Please ask the Lord to encourage churches everywhere to speak out on porn/sex addiction, and that many support groups would be set up across the nation.
I surely need prayer, as this is God’s work and I want Him to shine through all of this.
If you have a prayer request you’d like added to this section of the newsletter, please email me at email@blazinggrace.org.
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May God’s grace abound to you.
Mike Genung
Feel free to forward this email.
All material copyright 2005 Mike Genung
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