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Blazing Grace Newsletter, March 2005
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* Facing pain, and choosing grace...
* In a new survey 44% of churchgoers said they want to hear their pastor address sexual issues more often…
* Information on our new billboard campaign…
* Prayer requests
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Facing Pain, and Choosing Grace
by Mike Genung
On Tuesday morning, March 11, 1997, my wife and I were at a hospital in Colorado Springs for the birth of our second son, Scott. While she was in labor my wife’s placenta ruptured; she quickly lost a lot of blood, and the doctors rushed her to an operating room for an emergency C section. After they put her under I was allowed to enter the room to watch the procedure. The scene was surreal: my bride was lying unconscious on a T shaped steel table, her skin pale white from the loss of blood, with tubes coming out of her nose, mouth and arms. The table was surrounded by masked men and women in green scrubs, all who were focused intently on the task at hand.
When Scott was extracted he was shaking violently from a seizure... and he wasn’t breathing. Several nurses grabbed him and suctioned his lungs, trying to resuscitate him. It didn’t work. They rushed him into intensive care and hooked Scott up to a ventilation machine, which did his breathing for him. I didn’t know how much more I could take.
Tests were performed, and it was discovered that Scott’s cerebellum wasn’t properly developed; 90% of it was missing. One doctor broke the news to me gently: “there’s no hope for this baby”. After choking down the urge to smash his face in, I ran to the parking lot, got in our truck, and sobbed for 15 minutes.
When I walked back into the intensive care unit I was ready to fight: “No matter what the doctors are saying there’s no way I’ll give up on my son.” I started praying for a miracle, hoping God would heal Scott and prove them all wrong.
Scott made it through his first day of life on the ventilator, and on Wednesday something happened that gave us hope: he started breathing on his own. Maybe this is the start of God’s healing work, I thought. Since he was off the ventilator my wife and I were allowed to hold Scott, which we did often. We sang to him, read stories to him, and talked to him, encouraging Scott to fight on. His expression never changed but we didn’t care; every moment with him was priceless.
Scott made it through Thursday, and then Friday. We wanted him out of the anesthetic, “let him die” environment as soon as possible, and so Friday afternoon we started making arrangements to take him home, which would require a round the clock nurse. We were sure his chances for recovery would be better if he was in an environment where he was wanted.
That night I went home, drained. My wife was still in the hospital recovering from her operation, so I was alone with our two year old son. After rocking him asleep, I walked into the master bedroom to wind down, when a voice broke through: “will you release him to Me?”
Is that you Lord? He spoke again: “tomorrow you will have a decision to make. Will you release Scott to me?” I started crying… No God no, please don’t put something like this on my shoulders. The last thing I wanted was to be left with the decision to let Scott die. Maybe it isn’t God speaking. Maybe I’m just tired.
The next morning, Saturday, March 15, as I was getting ready to leave to go to the hospital my wife called, crying. “Scott just stopped breathing on his own and the doctors need a decision now whether to put him back on the ventilator, or…”.
Hearing this I knew God had spoken to me the night before; I had to trust Him. With tears streaming down my face, I said “I think we should let him go home.” I rushed to the hospital, where my wife and I held Scott as he died.
It’s been eight years since Scott broke into our lives those four days, and every March my wife are immersed in grief. It’s not that we intentionally think about what happened or want to feel sad; the emotions just surface on their own.
Holding our son while he died has had a profound impact on our lives. Losing Scott crushed my desire to continue worshipping at the altar of work, success and Mike’s Glory, so I sold my little tower of Babel, which was a business I owned. Scott taught me how short and precious the gift of life is, and how valuable my loved ones are. I’ve also learned that blessings come from suffering; blessings I’ll miss if I try to put a band aid on the wound instead of facing it.
The band aid approach is one I’m well acquainted with. In my former life I medicated the stresses, fears and hurts of life with pornography, masturbation, or promiscuity. It was like drinking sewage to cure cancer. After a few minutes of pleasure I’d endure the wonderful joy of a 5 day shame hangover, during which time my heart would go cold, hard and numb. I figured I’d pile so much misery and shame on top of what I was going through that I wouldn’t have to deal with the problem.
Why I thought sexual sin would solve anything, I’ll never know. I must have been stupid, or insane.
Or maybe it’s because I was (and still am)… broken.
There isn’t a problem in life that sexual addiction won’t make worse, add to, or screw up into a bigger mess than it was before. When we turn to sin to solve our problems it complicates a legitimate problem with more pain, emptiness and confusion. For me to turn to porn to “find comfort” from Scott’s death would rub the salt of shame in my wound of grief… it would be like gashing my hand and sticking it in mud, bloody wound and all.
Today when I’m hurting I turn to God, my brothers and my wife. I used to have a hard time going to God, thinking He was interested only in the Big Important Prayers about saving the lost, or my groveling confessions of sin (which were many. But He’s shown me that He wants me to come to Him, (Matthew 11:28, John 5:40, John 7:37) and cast my burdens (Psalms 55:22) and cares on Him, because He cares about me (1 Peter 5:7). Last week there were several mornings when I shed tears in His presence, and the Lord ministered to me with the comfort and strength of His presence. When we take our hurts, fears and yes, our failures to the Living God, we allow Him to pour His Spirit into the dark and wounded places of our heart. He sprinkles our despair with hope, and fills the broken clay pot of our weakness with His strength.
We don’t do well in isolation, which is where the James 5:16 way of life comes in. I talk to, see and email other men during the week, and these brothers of mine are a conduit of grace to me. Being open with them allows my brothers to minister to me with their friendship, encouragement and prayer. I need other men to keep me on course; I can’t do it alone. None of us can; we’re made for community, not isolation. God gave Adam his wife Eve because “it’s not good for man to be alone.” I sometimes think the body of Christ is like one of those “connect the dots” puzzles we used to do as a kid, except many of the dots are unconnected.
We can’t be comforted when we’re hiding. Many have a hard time being open with their weaknesses, failures and struggles to others. They don’t want to look like a Bad Christian (and admitting brokenness is hard on pride) so the clouds of shame and isolation reign over them. That was me for most of the first 35 years of my life (I’m 42 now). I didn’t want to take a risk and let my guard down; I had to prove I could do it on my own, except, I couldn’t. It was crash and burn every time.
I can’t do it alone, and neither can you. We need God, and we need each other.
“Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."
Genesis 2:18
“He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.“
Proverbs 28:13
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The Numbers
Christianity Today just published the results of a new study called “Christians and Sex” in Leadership Journal. 680 pastors and 1,972 laypersons were surveyed, with the following results:
* 44% of churchgoers want to hear more scriptural teaching from their pastors on the subject of sex.
* 22% of pastors feel they should spend more time on the topic.
* 85% of pastors say they speak about sexual issues once a year, while 63% of churchgoers say their pastors do so. Among those churchgoers who say they want their pastors to preach more about sexual issues, 47% say their pastor speaks about it once a year, an even bigger difference of opinion. A CTI analyst was quoted saying "Perhaps this desire for more biblical exposition on sexual issues exists because pastors are not speaking forcefully or clearly enough, while exposure to sexual images and messages in today's media is ever more heightened."
* 57% of pastors say that addiction to pornography is the most sexually damaging issue to their congregation.
* Almost 9 in 10 pastors reported counseling a layperson on sexual issues once a year or more.
In the church we attended until recently, I heard the topic of porn addressed once in the 7 years we were there. From my discussions with others who struggle with porn and sex addiction I know many in the church are hungry for guidance on how to live a life of integrity in our culture of lust.
One of my goals is to encourage churches to speak out more on sex/porn addiction and provide them with specific strategies to do so. As the national surveys show, 50% of the men in church have an issue with porn. Our enemy wants us to stay silent, and the more we talk about and provide the way out the more we encourage those who struggle to step out and get help. And, the church will grow stronger.
Strategies for churches to address the topic of sex/porn addition are at what our churches must do. We also want to encourage as many individuals and churches as possible to make a difference by setting up a support group for those who struggle with porn or sex addiction.
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We’re running a media campaign to increase awareness of the destructiveness of porn and invite those who struggle to get help. We’re running 2 billboards in Colorado Springs starting April 1; in next month’s newsletter I’ll report on the response. The text on the billboards is, uh, a little different than anything you’ve seen before.
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Prayer requests:
Please pray for Paul, John, Steven and Drew who are setting up groups in their respective states.
Please ask the Lord to use the billboards and other means to encourage churches everywhere to speak out on porn/sex addiction, and that many support groups would be set up across the nation.
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If you have a prayer request you’d like to see added for the April newsletter, please let me know.
May God’s grace abound to you.
Mike Genung
Feel free to forward this email.
All material copyright 2005 Mike Genung
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